I guess I shouldn't be mailing on this list, because I don't want to get back with my H. I want to divorce him. Every one here wants to make things work even when there seems to be no hope. Well I'm not that strong. I am tired of his lies and manipulations, his drinking and womanizing, and gambling. <BR>I have found out exactly who the OW is and I would love to somehow get back at the little slut for sleeping with my husband, but what? Or do I pretend I'm better than her and just ignore her, or do I shatter her world of deceit and sin? <BR>I'm just so tired of all of this and I'm hurting so much. It is not that I do not know that relationships are work, but it just takes so much out of a person having your trust in someone broken over and over again. <BR>History of OW: Married with 2 children - neither her H's. Sleeps with different guys from the office. <BR>Its my birthday today and it hurts so much to know that I mean so little to someone who vowed to love me always. It is not his words but his actions that let me know that there is no use and that the fight is over.<BR>thanks for letting me vent

<B>Or do I pretend I'm better than her</B><BR>Do you need to “pretend/”<P><B>History of OW:</B><BR>Okay. We know she’s a loser, so you wanna be like her?<P>Don;t waste your time with her. It’ll only “prove” to your h (in his mind) why he is doing this.

Ditto. You have little to gain by engaging in a vindictive campaign against them...you will be the subject of their reproof, and others' pity, and disdain...if that is what you want, go for it...oh, yes, and you will not like yourself when you are done, either.<P>This forum is for <B>anyone</B> who wants to join in, and get some relief. Not everyone here wants to reconcile...personally, I do...note my handle. Hopelessness is in the mind of the hopeless. There is a very fine line between anticipation, and desperation.<P>I am sorry that your H is a fool, but that does not mean you need to go 'there' with him, her, or anyone else for that matter. Enter through the 'narrow gate', okay?<BR>God bless and keep you.<P>P.S. The best revenge is no revenge. Move on, that will have the most impact on all three of you.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 11, 2001).]

<BR>The best revenge is to live well.<P>I've had a LOT of vindictive thoughts. Nothing I'll follow up on, but sometimes it helps get through a rough day to imagine a little evil happening to him after all I've been through.<P>However, the real person inside of me wishes him no harm ... I hope he gets help so he doesn't become abusive in his next relationship ... I once rationalized staying with him as 'my duty' to protect other women!<P>Being angry will hurt you more in the long run. Let God sort it out.<BR>

I have found the best revenge is to be happy and take care of yourself, go on and make a better life for yourself, it eats at them more than anything to see you doing well and not worring about them. I believe that what goes around comes around and they will get theres in time.<P>

Pantha,<P>Oh Yes you should be posting here. There are dozens of stories here that people are sharing, each one unique. You never know when something you post is going to help someone else.<P>I for one appreciate your candor and honesty. Revenge probably isn't the best idea. But you certainly aren't alone in having had the thought.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Chris - good point! I don't need to prove I'm better. Will remember that one. But... revenge is so sweet I hear...<P>Waiting_for_her - You are right. But I need to do something to just to get it out of my mind. <BR>This forum is for anyone who wants to join in: Thanks<P>TLC - Good to know I'm not the only one that has these type of thoughts. I'd so much like to rock her little world.<P>Jabber - You are right. I will make a better life for myself and that should serve as 'revenge', but oh I need to do something.<P>Bumper - thank you! It is a very horrible feeling - this need to get back at them. But it is good to know that I'm not the only one with these feelings. Tomorrow I may feel less vengeful...<P>All:<BR>ah this is what I thought to do. I will somehow get her H's phone number and just tell him what his wife has been up to and probably still is. That should rock her off her silly little world! I will think about it for a month and then if I still feel that way I will do it, but for now it is enough to just know what I can do.<BR>

Paladin Press puts out a lot of revenge books you can find at any spy shop or at amazon. There's even a revenge encyclopedia that rolls up the best of them. Perhaps there are some vicarious thrills in there. <P>I've managed to live almost a year without putting my XW-career-busting revenge into motion. Not that I don't still have both the means and the occasinal urges. <P>If you can find something non-criminal, proportionate, and nearly impossible to trace, who are we to judge? But most plans have a hidden boomerang in them. Does <I>Wile E. Coyote</I> ever nail the Roadrunner? Or does he just fall off a cliff and have an anvil smash him into an accordion shape just as he climbs out of the impact crater? <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 11, 2001).]

None of it really makes you feel better anyhow. I went insane stalking OW#2... sat outside her house and played the Chicago music she gave my then-H at a blaring loudness... oh, and I had my babies in the car... good move, eh? But I was so insane... and so hurt... but what good did it do? I looked like a crazed mad-woman, and she looked like the victim.<P>One women who used to post here did something terrible to her OW, and got ARRESTED! Her children were taken away and given to her ex-H and his new wife (who was the OW)...<P>Be careful.<P>

Sisyphus: U made me smile! I'm not going to become a psycho (lets hope). Like you I will just remember for now that I have the ammunition. Like you I could bust his career. But I will rather rock her world.<BR>Nyneve: A wise warning - thank you. These home wreckers pi$$ me off. I'm sorry for what you had to go through, but I do know where you were at the time, because I'm there now.<BR>

Like you, I have no desire to see or talk to my H, much less to reconcile. This, of course, came after 5 separations, the last of which the OW called the police on me for "beating up" her boyfriend (my husband!). Being arrested was the wake-up call I needed - I went from being a middle class stay at home mom to this??? For him??? I am so ready to be done with this whole mess - at least as much as you can with kids. <P>Moving on with your life is good for YOU when you decide that the time as right.<P>As for revenge thoughts, I had them as well. I still hate the OW more than I ever thought possible, but you know what, they DESERVE each other! You deserve better.

Okay, I'm confused...Sheryl...did you say that you gave birth in the car? WOW! Seriously, what kind of mother are you making innocent babies listen to Peter Cetera cry at 110dB? <BR>Sisyphus...what about the Acme catalog of revenge weapons? Surely, there is something in there for this!<BR><B>If you can find something non-criminal, proportionate, and nearly impossible to trace, who are we to judge? </B><BR>That reminds me of the 'cheaper, faster, better' riddle...now which two does she pick?<P>Pantha...gggrrrrrrrrooowwwlll...remind me not to pi$$ you off...while I could stand the festival seating Chicago concert, I am quite certain that I don't want to cross you!<P>Take very good care of yourself. -Mike

I will try to reply your post by telling you what happens to me.<BR>My wife had a one yearlong affair and within that period I tried hardly and desperately to follow Plan A mainly when she said she was no longer with OM. I gave US all the chances to improve our marriage. When I found out she was still involved with OM I gave up and immediately decided to divorce.<BR>Up to that time I was 100% emotional and suffered a lot. In that occasion there was a click in my head, I became 100% rational and finally could decide about my life. It was amazing how easy it was for me. I never expected to be that easy.<BR>Now, after one year, I see this was the best decision of my life. Now I am calm, healthier, free and very very happy. Can you believe this?<BR>I am sure I do not love her any more and do not want her back. The only thing I want from her is distance.<BR>Up to my decision I was the looser and she was the winner. On that day the situation turned upside down. I took control of the situation.<BR>Now she acts as a victim and forgets everything SHE did like having an affair, not wanting to save our marriage, leaving home with our 2 children, accusing me of all HER faults, etc.<BR>Very often I thing about a revenge but I see that the fact I am living well bothers her so much that this is maybe the best revenge. Fortunately I am living well but unfortunately this is not what happens to most of the BS in the first years because we normally feel so devastated.<BR>OM left her immediately after our separation (what is very common). This was also a kind of revenge towards her.<BR>Now I have a nice girl friend that my little children (5 & 8) like very much and we spend some wonderful weekends together. Children told me and my ex wife that I should marry my girl friend because she is really nice. My relationship with children is excellent. Can you imagine how this hurts my ex-wife? She is desperate.<BR>She is so desperate that sometimes she calls me to ask for favors and some kind of support. I just tell her: “Where is that wonderful guy that you said me was the best and most supporting person on earth? Ask him to help you. Please reconcile with him and do not bother me any more!”. The only thing I want from her is distance.<BR>In my opinion, what I am doing is the best revenge but unfortunately this is something you can not plan ahead.<BR>The only practical advice I can give you is that you should take care of yourself and control yourself. You should not allow that the acts of your X or the obsession for revenge control you. If you ignore him you are demonstrating him and yourself that you are much superior. It may take a lot of time before you really feel superior.<P>dvpc<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR><B>Okay, I'm confused...Sheryl...did you say that you gave birth in the car? WOW! Seriously, what kind of mother are you making innocent babies listen to Peter Cetera cry at 110dB? <BR> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LOL LOL LOL <P>Yeah, that's right... and let me tell you... Peter Cetera, the 1083-1987 years were CLASSIC!!!! <I>Along Comes A Woman</I>, having been my favorite at the time... <P>It is embarrassing how I was... overweight... poor, with one sundress... smashed in a Pinto with three kids, two in carseats, the other one buckled safely in the front seat... what was I thinking? Oh yeah, I WASN'T THINKING... that was the point, I think... <whew!><P><p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 11, 2001).]

<B>HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PANTHA!!!!</B><P>I'm sorry your H is causing so much pain in your heart. My H planned to meet another woman on my birthday in May. I intercepted before it actually happened and I asked what he was thinking and he said the date never clicked when he typed it (he suggested the date). Needless to say my birthday sucked big time and we didn't even celebrate it. We are in recovery, but this is the absolute last chance he gets.<P><B>HAPPY BIRTHDAY!</B> Do something nice for yourself and don't even include him.<P>I wish you all the best!<P> <P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

Hey!! Wow! Last I heard, there wasn't an other woman. Funny how things come out so easily and quickly. Sorry to see things are looking like this. Yeah, I agree, revenge makes you look bad. Besides, you want to come out smelling like a rose, right? That is the best revenge for sure! You come out on top and he sinks miserably to the bottom. But for no other purpose than to hurt him/her will you be revealing anything, and where is the honor in that?<P>I have my ex's new girlfriend's mother's phone number. Her/his cell accidentally forwarded all his incoming calls to me, and I had the blessed opportunity to talk to the little girl's mommy. She is 18 (fresh HS grad) and he is 26. I talked to her briefly, and I discovered that there is no love loss between she and my ex. She asked (innapropriately, of course) what happened between us. He had told her that I wanted the divorce! I clarified briefly, and I brushed off the question, but god knows I wanted to scream: "You're little trampy slut of a manipulative daughter happened, that is what!!" Sometimes I wish I did. <BR>

My H's grandfather had an A on his wife. He ended up leaving his wife and 6 children, while his wife was pregnant with child #7. He married OW and gave no financial support to his ex-wife & children whatsoever. His ex-wife had to work and get government assistance, just to make it.<P>His ex-wife remained a good person throughout this. She didn't do anything vengeful. She eventually married a nice, kind-hearted man who took very good care of her & her kids. He treated her with respect and vice-versa until he died (just a few years ago).<P>Now, the grandfather & his new wife (former OW)....ended up going through bankruptcy, hardship, health problems....they are struggling. They barely have enough money to live on. They are not happy people and always seem to have a chip on their shoulder. They are so envious of the ex-wife having such a comfortable life that they STILL continue to put her down, just to justify what they did to her.<P>The ex-wife is older than the OW, but at 70, she is still going strong. She walks all over the place and she travels all over the place too! She is still a sweet woman and has remained composed throughout her ordeal.<P>Now...she didn't do anything to get back at them. She moved forward with her life and tried to make the best of what life has to offer her.<P>It's obvious who has the better life...<P>Pantha...that was just an example. I have other family members who went through similar ordeals and the outcome has been that the betrayed person usually ends up with a better life.<P>Move forward and concentrate on yourself & your healing process. I bet that you will end up happier than them.

Mike - I'm not really an ogre - you just caught me at a bad time. <P>Trapped Mom - I feel for you. Your husband is now pretending to be a 'victim' - shame, and he needs to be saved by his strong girlfriend. Shame again. You are right - live for yourself.<P>dvpc - Thank you for sharing that with me. It gives me hope that I will be ok. I know I will be ok. I am so glad that you came through that ordeal fine, the emotional toll of living with someone who is having an affair is rather trying and draining. But it is good to know that punishment will be their's even if not by the BS.<P>Free2BMe - thank you for the birthday wishes!! I had a peaceful birthday, after last time I spoke to him was 6:30, spent the night alone but had plenty of calls to keep me busy. So actually I think it was better than if he had been around. I hope that your H uses his chance wisely and wish you all the happiness in the world. Remember you do deserve to be happy.<P>gsd - As far as I know the last time he was with her was September, but it still hurts. At the moment the 'revenge' is on hold. Wow, I'm in awe of you, I would have let the little girl's mom know all about her. But what you did is the more dignified and sophisticated approach. Do you think I should not contact her H and let him know? Doesn't he deserve to know what he is married to?<P>Survivor - that is brilliant for you H's grandfathers XW. She sounds like an incredible woman. I will try to focus on healing myself and hopefully the urge for revenge will diminish. Thank you.<p>[This message has been edited by Pantha (edited July 12, 2001).]

I just found the ow's phone number, including her place of work. I feel as though i have a few more options now. Like you, I'm wondering how I should use this new info. Probably nothing, but in my fantasies, I order her 99 pizzas and cabs in the middle of the night and scrall her number on the bathroom walls, and post it on the internet porn sites. I feel a little better already. Watch out for illegal activities and new stalking laws! Petty? yes! But for me a necessary self-indulgence.

Pantha-<P>First, how do you know he doesn't know already? Second, how would that edify and strenghthen you?? Third, why would you want to hurt someone else?? He will find out in time. His marriage repair is his business, not yours. You owe him nothing, and you are not doing it out of the kindness of your heart. AND YOU KNOW THAT!!! Focus on making yourself better instead of trying to make someone else look worse.<P><BR>