All,<BR>I have posted before (last month), but it seems there is a swell of broken marriages. Below I have placed my first posts (from another board) in chronilogical order.:<P>1. "Well, to say that I am shell-shocked is an understatement. My wife and I have been married 10 years. We have twin boys, 8, and a daughter, 5. It has been rough. We both abused alcohol and such, but mine continued. However, I have been recently seeing a pschyatrist concerning possibly being bi-polar. I have been seeing him since August of 2000. Just recently I have been struggling with a 1.5 year period of my childhood. I was molested by a friend of the family for a total of 3 years. I never told anyone. That was 25 years ago. I was nine, I am now 34. I drank more and more to forget about it, but just a month ago talked to my doctor about it. My wife knew, but did not realize how long of a period it was. She thought it was a one time thing. Needless to say, I have messed us up financially, but now realize, what a huge factor it was in my behavior over the majority of my adult life. Anyway, I asked my wife how we were going to make it. She said I am with you , we will be alright and we will work through it. She has been more upbeat and supportive. She was making a real difference. I actually began to talk about it regularily with my doctor and such. However, I had never told my parents. They had basically said they would not have anything to do with me as long as I was drinking. More pressure. Well, I awoke this past Monday morning to get the kids ready for school. My wife mentioned that she had a seminar to attend the next two days and would drop the kids off. She kissed me and said see ya this afternoon. We had a great weekend, all the while she said we would make it. I came home that evening to an empty home. She took everything. She will not let me see the kids, (i never drank around them, my wife did) and has moved out. I dont understand why all of the support and positive remarks and actions. She seemed to be ok. I talked to her today about sitting down and coming up with a settlement. She stated she wanted her dad to handle it. He has always tried to break us up. However, I said that, no you and I made the mess. I am not going to deal with your dad. Lets do this and get it over with. I am so ashamed of my life, but really felt she was going to stick with me through this sickness (bi-polar). She said she would? She has never lied to me. Why now? I am so disillusioned. My poor kids. As a matter of fact she sounded like she was going to die when I talked with her. She said she isnt thinking straight she said. She seemed so alive these last few weeks. Her dad has a real hold on her. We have always had a problem with that. I dont like him and the way he treats her. He only saw her when it suited him. Anyway, what should I do. I am working on myself, I have told my parents (that was a huge burden lifted) and continuing to seek counseling. I wonder if perhaps her dad really had twisted her to do this? She seemed so down when I talked to her. It really hurt me to hear her down. I want her to be happy."<P>2. I have spoken with her father. He is doing most of the talking. She will not talk with me and such and that is horrible. We have been working on a seperation agreement to file with the court. Last night she stated that we are so different (thats obvious) and she has tried to help me, but it was either obviously beyond my control or not a priority. It has been tough on her. We have seperated before with the same results. I told her that was because I never dealt with the source of my problems and such. She said that nine years was long enough and at this point she is not coming back. I have acted irresponsible over the years but have recently slumped into a major depression over my past. I guess she had enough. Her dad liken it to a glass of tea filled almost to the rim. He said, that glass cannot hold the entire pitcher of tea. I understand that. However, my children cry to sleep every night, she is mean to me when we talk at the "group" family meetings. She says that she believes it is that we just dont get along. I told her that we were just so overwhelmed with other problems that we could never address our marital problems. Our pastor and counselor agreed. However, she said she would never go back at this point. Her father said "Rob, I think that it is over". We are both Christians and I know she loves the Lord, but her father is VERY secular and believes it will be best for our children if we divorce. He says people do it all the time. She is living on the third floor of his house. They cannot go onto the second floor where the grandparents live. My wife and my children must take the elevator down to the bottom floor and use the kitchen in the garage. They cannot play in the "landscaped" yard. They must play in the garage. They have expressed that they want to live with me. One of my sons even asked me to come and get him before his mom got there. She says she wants what is best for the kids and she believes they will be better off living with them (no friends) and eventually living in an apartment (again where are they going to play outside). My folks (devout Christians) say that I should just leave her alone and let God handle it. I am doing that no matter how hard. They say that He can handle this and do a much better job than me. I agree. She said she would be going to church regularly. We agreed the children need to be there. I am concerned that she wants to start to find a new man. She told me last night she wanted one of those "no fault" divorces. The quick, three-month type. I told her our state had only grounds (she has none) or 1 year seperation. Although she has filed, she has not requested that I close the joint checking or credit card accounts. She is going to pay or joint credit accounts while I take the rest of the debt. She only asked that I change the power and water over to my name. I get the house. Could she be seeing what I will do? Is she trying to see how I respond with respect to drinking and such? Maybe she wants to see if I become responsible. We have alot of debt and had been talking about eliminating it in one year but she left before we could start. I am confused. The last time we split, she wanted me to live on my own. I didnt. I lived with my parents who said if this happened again they would not let me live there (that is, if I started drinking again). They have kept their word. Likewise, her parents will not give her any money to help, but let her live there because even with support she cant afford to live elsewhere. She pressed me for money yesterday, but she took it all when she left and I havent gotten paid. I am so very confused? Any thoughts. By the way, I attended church this past sunday for the first time in months. I truly felt the presence of God and I was at peace. I am praying and reading His word daily, trying to seek His will in all of this. After all, isnt that what it is all about?!<P>3. Thanks for all of the support. I have tried to send letters and have been able to email her, but her father says we should just leave each other alone for a while. She doesnt say it, but agrees with him when he is there (she and the kids live with them). I have been making progress lately and learned that worry will not change one thing. I had the kids this past weekend and we all went to church and it was great. The Lord was present. I was so excited. I miss my relationship with Christ. I got her a journey and a Home Life and packed it into the kids bag where she could see it. I also made sure all of their clothes were washed and folded prior to their return. She said nothing. Of course, I felt great doing it. I did not need any thank you's. Just doing it was the best part. I have come to the conclusion that our marriage is doomed without Christ. My father told us that 9 years ago, before we were married. I cannot change her, nor will I try. Only God can do that. I am moving on at this point. I will not go back to being depressed and wanting to die. I hated that. I am seeing this as an opportunity rather than failure. Perhaps it will work for the best. I am praying/hoping for the best and planning for the worst. The worse case is my relationship with Christ will strengthen and I will server him. If that is a crime, then I will be first in line to be shot! hehehe. My parents have been so wonderful. I just dont understand why she is so mean and distant. I worry about her and her walk with the Lord. I told her, "No matter what happens to us, He will never let you down as I have. Put Him first". However, I have been down this road before with her. I wont die and life WILL continue without her. I just know that I will be half a man without her. But I will respect her requests to be given some time and be left alone. However, I will not give up the fight for her and our marriage. Our romance died 3 years ago. I will begin to write her poems and songs again, like I used to before I went spiraling downwards. I love her, but will give her space and time. God has a plan and purpose for both of us. But we must get out of the drivers seat and let him fly the plane. Thank again<P><BR>I have been following much of the discussion on this board. My problem at this point is that I am moving along very well. I miss my wife and want our marriage to work. She says that she doesnt want to see me, but she calls often to ask how I am doing. When I ask her she says I dont want to talk about it. She says she still loves me, but doesnt know where we are going and she doesnt want to talk about it. I am trying to help her monetarily, but all she can say is give me what you owe whenever you can. I have been working side jobs (networks) and making very good money in addition to what I already make. Could this be bothering her? I am doing very well and she seems to have gone downhill. I really owe her alot as I probably would have drank myself to death had she not moved out. But I was crying out to her for help and she moved out! Anyway, what should I do. I want to help her, but I am worried that she is not looking at this as an opportunity to grow individually and spiritually and really give our marriage a chance it really never had. I am working so hard to make our life easier. But she just treats me like pond scum! <P>Last minute update. Just got off of the phone with wife. She was nasty. Our finances are in shambles. I have taken 80% of the bills including ALL that were left behind. She took almost none. I have been making extra money just to keep above water and pay here support (1200/month). I paid bills and bought some equipment for the job. I told her I would pay her at the end of week when I finish job. She said I needed to put her and the kids ahead of my "extra" job. When I told her they were going to foreclose and repossess my car she said "So what!? We should come first!" I bit my tongue ( I am 5000 in the hole for this month). Anyway I am frustrated. I have been nice and working my butt off to get squared away. All she has done is sulk and "sic" her dad on me. I am afraid he is going to set me off and I WILL hurt him! <BR>

Hello there.<P>Just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are having to go through all of this. <P>I would try to just stay focused on yourself and keep praying. All you can really do is work on yourself right now. You are powerless over your wife. That's the hardest thing to accept right now.<P>If you haven't already, read through Plan A and B. <P>Take care!<BR>

Hi Rob,<P>That was kind of long! But even still, I still get the feeling there's a lot not said that's been going on because you mentioned you split up before. I know that this is the worst thing if you are working thru being bi-polar. My sister is bi-polar and it was really bad at the beginning. She was very violent and my mother was afraid to sleep at night, of course she now is medicated and lives a pretty normal life (altho she doesn't work and can't deal with stress). Yes it is hard to work thru it and finally get the right meds in the right doses, but the amount of stress on the people around you is excruciating as well. It seems she took the quick way out rather than help you which is sad.<P>I'm glad you can hand it over to God. You need to probably hand over the drinking too because that's the worst part. I can only say that sometimes God leads you into another place than where you want to go. I wanted so badly to have my marriage restored and prayed and cried - and it wasn't. But what God did do for me is turn on the light. All the things that were hidden from me during my 20 years of marriage were opened up and I now realize I AM better off alone than to be with the man I loved who had not one ounce of respect for me, and I was a good faithful wife and mother and deserved his respect.<P>I'm sorry you have so much to deal with. You have the best friend possible and you will get thru it in His time. All I can say tho is that what you think you want God to do may not be how it ends up. God cannot MAKE your wife BE any certain way, just like he couldn't make my XH be faithful. She has free will. All He can do is work with what's there. Hopefully, her heart will be changed. Just keep praying for that.<P>I'm not much help, but I just want to encourage you not to give up. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Kathy