It seems to be very difficult to try and move on since I must still remain in contact with my soon to be exwife for paying off some credit card debt. Whenever she emails me I start to cry. She has stopped calling me which still hurts. Trying to find friends to talk to has been a very difficult time. I know that I need to get out and start going places on my own but it is hard. Everywhere I go I see couples holding hands and I start to tear up. I wish that she would have given couples therapy a chance. The counselor said that I need to get some anger out. I can not seem to be angry at her. Mostly I feel frustration, depression and sadness, but no anger. I know that I am going to miss the card games that we used to have with all her friends and the Halloween party. I really miss seeing her nephews and nieces on the weekends and her parents. It is going to hard to get used to doing things on my own after 16 years. It seems that I only met and got married to her only yesterday. I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Oh well I guess that is what the counselor is for.

Orlando....mi amigo...I feel for you. Move on? Its not time for that. You need to embrace your grief, and let it flow through you. The anger may not come. Anger is <B>not</B> necessary, despite what you may have heard. I keep saying it over, and over...God does not like angry, proud men. You are His beloved son, and you are not being angry...good, that's one less thing He will have to reprove you for.<P>It is still really early in your process, your D isn't even done yet. I'm not sure your C has their head on straight on this one. Part of the reason that you and I are here is socirty's insistence on instant gratification, and too much selfishness. We didn't want the D, we know about patience. Don't let them confuse you. Honestly, how long have you been posting here? A week? Supposed to be over it before it is even legally done? How realistic is that?<P>You process your emotions, which is a mixed bag. Some of them we just need to let flow through us, and out of us. It really isn't possible too understand <B>everything</B> that happens...understanding this would help me, but....<P>You should be able to see your nieces, that's up to your ILs, not your XW. One of my XSILs (who insists to be called my sister now, since the in-law thing is over!) I had two nieces over two weeks ago, and we went to the movies with my youngest son...it was great. Saw Dr. Doolittle II, and spent way too much money! It was great. My XMIL is the same way. Other XSILs (3) are the same, and XBIL as well, but I have not talked to all of them yet...just one. XFIL is a different story...you see, he left XMIL for OW, and is still active in the PA during the process, is an XDeacon, etc. its all very ugly...XW just followed in his steps!<P>So, long story short, moving on immediately is a ridiculous notion, Orlando...you know that the depth of your committment won't allow that, don't you? That's okay. If she had died, would you be expected to move on so quickly? Hell no...but see, she did not die, she killed your marriage, and is still in the picture. That is orders of magnitude WORSE, because it was her <B>choice</B> to do so, and your proximity to her, and position as parent put you there...the rejection continues. You will not get independent overnight. Tell that to your C, I am interested in the response to that. Immediate healing is not going to happen!<P>Take care, Orlando...my e-mail is mtblake@netexpress.net -Mike

You sound very much like me a year ago. The anger didn't reach the surface for months (although a couples counselor had detected it during the disintegration phase prior to the final breakup). I moved on early. Though I found a great person who fits my life much better on udate.com, there was a time when there were still a lot of unprocessed emotions from the divorce (there are very few left these days). Your choice. If you move on too soon, it's likely that the new person will be the one paying the bulk of the price. Sometimes they consider that a fair deal, and in any case, if you're honest about it going into the relationship and things still go wrong, they have little cause to complain.<P>If you want to continue to hope, don't be afraid to stay in touch with the XILs, do everything you can to improve yourself (physically, sartorially, financially, etc.), get help for any depression. Look to things like Dr. Burns' book <I>Intimate Connections</I>. You can never be too smart, too rich, too powerful, too thin, too tanned or too beautiful (this is only partially tongue-in-cheek).<P>Establish firm boundaries with the XW. If she wants favors, distinguish between those that one friend would do for another, and those which cross the line into her trying to keep the benefits of a role she has rejected. If you do otherwise, you <I>will</I> be more angry and resentful. Don't let your XW come into your place unless you <I>want</I> her in there. That can be another source of anger and resentment. Take control wherever you can, but don't abuse your power--learn to distinguish between justified resistance to any habit of hers of walking over you and unjustifiable obstreperousness (realizing that her objections will sound much the same in either case--<I>you</I> are the one whose opinion matters). <P>Don't be inaccessible to the XW, especially emotionally ... they stop calling and writing when your responses don't engage them. <I>If</I> you can maintain a friendship, you may be able to rebuild from there. <P>I wasn't able to maintain a friendship, but that had to do with something that I was forced to do by my own conscience, and which was unacceptable to her even though it only peripherally involved her. I have to live with that. If you're lucky, there's no issue like the one I faced.<P>It's a hard road, but it gets easier, and other people in your life can make it easier still. Just pay attention to what makes your life better and what doesn't. She should no longer be of any concern when you make decisions in your life. Without a conscious critique of your every decision, it will take a long time to remove those mental barriers and get rid of those knee-jerk reflexes. But it's something you need to do. You can be sure <I>she's</I> doing it, even though her self-limiting behavior was with respect to things she <I>assumed</I> you would find problematic rather than things that really would have been a problem for you. The point is, don't maintain a needless loyalty when she is [i]reveliing[/in] in disloyalty.