Sex with H is great. So why is it that I want to have sex with other man???? Have not done it yet. But please let me know if anyone else out there feels the same way.<BR>I have very high values (though it may sound difficult to believe) ...never had sex before marriage, ...never had an affair... but at this stage in my life I feel I need to try someone new. Please let me know, Dante

I have to say that the last thing on my mind is sex with my husband. He still acts like he would want to, but I feel no attraction for him in that way. I'm ashamed to say that my mind floats occasionally to the man I had the affair with. I thought that was the real thing, now I find out that I haven't got a clue what is real and what isn't. I'm confused about the whole thing - but I'm glad a woman is posting about this stuff.....it's always been a big issue for me.<P>Peggy

Is it okay to begin with: <B>DON'T DO IT</B>? <P>I felt the same. In 18 years of marriage I was faithful, which was more than I could say for (then)H. <P>I turned 40, and all hell broke loose. I was unhappy, felt old, fat, ugly and not sexually attractive to men at all. My (then)H didn't help matters. I began to daydream... what if?... and you know what they say... be careful what you wish for... because a man came to me, said he was "in love" with me... and the rest is history (among the 4000 posts I made under the name new_beginning).<P>It screwed up my head, my life, my marriage and it has yet to fully recover.<P>My (then)H could not forgive me, although I slept with the OM once and ended the affair, and he began some revenge affairs of his own. Never recovered the marriage.<P>I got sick. Very, very sick. My health has yet to fully recover.<P>I met someone else as the divorce finalization came near, too soon... too soon... and I haven't fully recovered from the guilt of that either.<P>I am remarried now, and I am happy. But I still carry the guilt from that one incident. The affair. <P>DON'T DO IT.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LivingInLimbo:<BR><B>I have to say that the last thing on my mind is sex with my husband. He still acts like he would want to, but I feel no attraction for him in that way. I'm ashamed to say that my mind floats occasionally to the man I had the affair with. I thought that was the real thing, now I find out that I haven't got a clue what is real and what isn't. I'm confused about the whole thing - but I'm glad a woman is posting about this stuff.....it's always been a big issue for me.<P>Peggy</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>LIL so happy to know I am not the only one... If I could choose right now how things were to be, check this out and tell me if I really lost it here.... I would like to be on my own for few months, maybe up to a year. And I would like to go out with other men and even have a few affairs if they are interesting enough. And just in case this may sound unfair or selfish... I would love for H to do the same. Then, after we both feel we are ready, I would like to kind of start dating H all over again, fall inlove and get back together. Is this fantazising or what???? It is so important for a woman to know that she's not only attractive to her H (because that's kind of for granted) but also to other man... don't you agree???<BR>Thank you for your posting and if is OK with you I would love to hear more about your feelings on this subject.<BR>Lady Dante

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nyneve:<BR><B>Is it okay to begin with: DON'T DO IT</B>? <P>Nyneve... I think is AMAZING just how close our stories relate, only I guess I'm the before (confused and all) and you are the (experienced) after. I have a little over 16 years of marriage, met H when I was 16 and I am not sure if I mentioned this before, we never had sex before marriage and he's the only one I've ever been with. Needless to say, I did not get to meet a lot of other men.<P>I felt the same. In 18 years of marriage I was faithful, which was more than I could say for (then)H. <P>I turned 40, and all hell broke loose. I was unhappy, felt old, fat, ugly and not sexually attractive to men at all. My (then)H didn't help matters. I began to daydream... what if?... and you know what they say... be careful what you wish for... because a man came to me, said he was "in love" with me... and the rest is history (among the 4000 posts I made under the name new_beginning).<P>Again, same here, I feel fat and ugly even though I have lost some weight. What kills me is that I can never get inner motivation to look good or to loose weight for H... I guess I take it for granted that he has to love me just the way I am... did u feel the same? isn't it sad. Even H tells me he likes me to be fat and he does not care how I look he loves me anyway. Not much to be inspired about uh?<BR>On the other hand, the idea of man reacting to my looks everytime I loose a few pounds is most exciting.<P><BR>It screwed up my head, my life, my marriage and it has yet to fully recover.<P>My (then)H could not forgive me, although I slept with the OM once and ended the affair, and he began some revenge affairs of his own. Never recovered the marriage.<P>Just one night fling and he was not able to forgive you???<P>I got sick. Very, very sick. My health has yet to fully recover.<P>Was this emotionally sick or physically????<P>I met someone else as the divorce finalization came near, too soon... too soon... and I haven't fully recovered from the guilt of that either.<P>I am remarried now, and I am happy. But I still carry the guilt from that one incident. The affair. <P>One last question for you, if you had to do it all over again... would you skip the affair and still be with your first H???? or do you feel in any way that as wrong as this might have been, it brought you together with your 2nd H and you are much happier now???? very curious to know.<P>DON'T DO IT.<BR>I assure you that I am trying to resist this with all my might. Lucky for me, the person in mind is far enough to keep it safe. He he<P>Thank you for taking the time to give me your input on this subject. Lady Dante<P><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I can't tell you how much I appreciate you starting this thread. I have been with my husband since I was l5 and he was l4. I have never dated, and don't have a clue as to how it feels to have a dating life, or being open to having male friends. My husband and I are separated, but he has threatened me that if I do anything that isn't consistant with "us being a couple" that he'll finalize our divorce. I told him that I wouldn't mind if he went out with women and had a social life - I think he needs it at this point as much as I do. He doesn't agree. I imagine that it is dangerous to be out in the dating world if you are only separated, but that doesn't stop me from wondering about it. I used to think that I would be a wild crazy party person if I ever had that kind of freedom, but my new perception of it is this: I think that if I was really on my own, I could make some real life decisions on what my convictions are and what I expect of myself. I always want to be a positive role model to my kids, but I feel like my husband has set all of the standards for us and our marriage. <P>Please don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about running around and getting wild. I just think it is important to have our own personal morals and convictions and I think that maybe having some personal and dating freedom would encourage that. Maybe I'm wrong, but this is coming from someone that has been with the same man all of my life (except for my affair, of course) and has never dated, had a social circle of friends that include men. I had to have known that no matter how wrong I was, that I was going to be curious some day. I just didn't pass the test - and boy am I paying for it.<P>Peggy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dante:<BR><B> LIL so happy to know I am not the only one... If I could choose right now how things were to be, check this out and tell me if I really lost it here.... I would like to be on my own for few months, maybe up to a year. And I would like to go out with other men and even have a few affairs if they are interesting enough. And just in case this may sound unfair or selfish... I would love for H to do the same. Then, after we both feel we are ready, I would like to kind of start dating H all over again, fall inlove and get back together. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think I now see why I've stayed away from MB so long... Hmmm, have a few affairs to see if they are interesting... Truly sick. Time to revisit Basic Concepts, Lady Dante...<P>AGG

I don't think that calling someone sick is going to help. Sharing with people here - is what we can learn from. She hasn't done anything, and is actually concerned about her actions. I don't think it would be healthy for her (talking about Dante) to have these questions and concerns and not be able to share with anyone. Maybe getting these kind of responses from our spouses is what has led us to have so many questions about this kind of thing....stranger things have happened.<BR>Only my opinion - like my mom always said "No honest question is a bad question".<P>Peggy

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AGoodGuy:<BR><B> I think I now see why I've stayed away from MB so long... Hmmm, have a few affairs to see if they are interesting... Truly sick. Time to revisit Basic Concepts, Lady Dante...<P>AGG</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This doesn't sound like you, AGG. Don't you think Dante may be experiencing a bit of a mid-life crisis? Haven't you ever been so tormented about your choices, and wanting attention, and feeling unloved, and considered actions that you would normally never engage in? I did, as I said above. I did it, and I hated myself for it. That's the message I am carrying to Dante. <P>So, <B>Dante</B>, if I had to do it all over again, I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD AN AFFAIR!!!!! It ruined my life. I had to rebuild (and I'm sooooo not done yet).<P>Let me tell you -- physically, I ended up in the hospital, mentally, in therapy, spiritually, far from God. <P>My marriage ended. Yes, it was ready to end. I had what is termed "an exit affair" but that's the chicken way out. I should have faced my then-H and dealt with the problems (he was a serial cheater, for one thing). <P>Since my marriage did end, I am happy to have found someone else who cherishes me. Would I have rather stayed with my ex?? In a moral way, yes. I wish it would have worked out. I will have to face God for my decisions, and I'm still not sure, in a spiritual sense, if I did the right things. But that's my cross to bear. Emotionally, I am blessed beyond measure. My H is a wonderful, kind, thoughtful, beautiful man who is full of light. I am very, very lucky I found him.<P>I hope this helps.<P>

<B>...tell me if I really lost it here.... I would like to be on my own for few months, maybe up to a year. And I would like to go out with other men and even have a few affairs if they are interesting enough. And just in case this may sound unfair or selfish... I would love for H to do the same. Then, after we both feel we are ready, I would like to kind of start dating H all over again, fall inlove and get back together. Is this fantazising or what???? </B><P>YES! That's about all it is. And it's the fantasy that will be your downfall. <P>Screwing around with other men (and you H screwing around with other women) isn't like taking your car for a trip in the desert, then the mountains, then the beach. As much as you want to think that it's all that clean and objective, that the actions will just be for "something different," it will dramatically affect you...both. And just because you are being selfish and allowing him to be selfish too, doesn't mean it's okay.<P>If you are an attractive woman, you don't need to have sex with another man to know it. If you have a fairly decent body, face, personality, etc. you will know by the looks you get. <P>(Hey, I'm 25 lbs. overweight, average looking, average body, good personality, mid-forties and <B><I>I</B></I> get looks....c'mon!)<P>It's when you start thinking and dwelling on the looks you get or the thoughts you let into your head that the fantasy starts and then it's just that, fantasy. <P>IMHO, carrying that fantasy to an actual level, could really screw up with not only your life, but others too.<P>I think you are pretty normal to "fantasize" about it....it's carrying it beyond that level that it becomes a problem...an addiction...an inbalance in a healthy thought life, etc. <P>That's my opinion.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>PS. Isn't there anything else more worthy of your time, thoughts, feelings, etc.? Just a question.<BR>

Dante,<P>What you are wanting to do is exactly what my husband did to me. He too wanted to experiment and find someone new and exciting. He was bored with me and our sex life. Typical mid-life crises. He had fantasies of fast women, a fast "69" red Camaro and money in his pocket. He has now lost everything that he worked so many years for. He is working his but off to support two households. I now own everything including the Camaro. These are things that I did not and still do not want. He is just now starting to see that maybe he made a mistake, but he does not know how or want to fix it. He has lost the respect of his children, his parents and siblings. He has lost the respect in our community that he worked so hard for. He has cause me unbelievable pain. Pain that sometimes I don't know if I will ever get over. Would he do it over again if he had the chance? I don't know, maybe he would reconsider things and the cost of his decisions. Really think things through before you take action. Don't do anything that you think you might regret later. Some things cannot be corrected or forgotten. Remember the old saying "The grass always LOOKS greener on the other side." Looks can be deceiving. This is just my two cents!!<P>TB

Hello ladies,<P>Sheryl, you have tried to give some good advice, I think the subject might have just touched a nerve with AGG. It's very hard to be the betrayed ex spouse in a situation and read certain things like this.<P>Dante, and Limbo too. I was with my ex since I was 16. We were together 11 years, and he had affairs, I've never cheated on anyone. I don't know if you've been cheated on, maybe not, but it doesn't feel good at all. <P>I am divorced now. I have a boyfriend at the moment, however, I've dated all last year. I don't know what you think is so great about having male friends, and the dating world, but I'll tell you from my view...it stinks. <P>So you have some male friends, you know what? They seem to be better to you as friends, than in a relationship. And its hard to maintain male friendships at times because someone can wind up with feelings and then the friendship is wrecked. <P>Dating. I've been on lots of dates, where I only went out to one dinner and couldn't wait til it was over. MOST of the guys out there are jerks (sorry fellas, just my opinion) and what is the point of dating someone if you want to go back to your husband in a year.<P>The husband would be a safety net of some sort. Not fair to him, and also makes this fantasy sound like strictly sex related. <P>Lastly, what if it backfires, and your now H meets someone else and you lose him? That would be a risk you would take. Besides, another risk, the health risk and lastly there are plenty of men who will help you out in your quest, but they will only use you. You are worth more than that, so don't let that happen.<P>I don't mean this post to sound harsh in any way. I'm just telling you from my end, after being cheated on, and losing my marriage over affairs, then entering the dating world... its not the greatest thing at all and I'd go back to being married in a minute. <P>Now I've fallen in love with someone who I'm quite sure won't be ready for that type of commitment for a while, so I have many issues. <P>Think long and hard before you do this. Have you thought about experimenting with your current husband? There are a lot of good books out there, that you could get to find some new ideas and spice things up. <P>Good luck, but I just wanted to tell you, its not so great on the other side.<P>Dana<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by LivingInLimbo:<BR><B>I don't think that calling someone sick is going to help. Sharing with people here - is what we can learn from.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorry, my bad... I never meant to call <B>Dante</B> sick. I said her <B>plans</B> (to screw around with others, while her H does the same, hoping that it will save their marriage) were sick. It will hurt countless people in the process, including her.<P>I did try to share my knowledge with her; that's why I suggested she go back and read the Basic Concepts. After all, most of us on this website have at least a basic agreement with Harley's principles... and having affairs as a marriage-saving technique is <B>not</B> one of the concepts...<P>Anyway, sorry if I hurt anyone, but I would rather be blunt upfront and save someone a horrible pain later than try to validate what I (and most others) would consider to be a really really bad plan... And as Dana said, this IS a sensitive issue for me (and for most other BS's here), so yeah, I do come on a little strong when someone plans to have an affair and expects to get support for that decision...<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited July 13, 2001).]

Hi Dante ~ <P>I've read this thread through, and your other thread about your 13 year old daughter. I couldn't decide which thread to respond to, I wish you had combined the threads, because I sincerely believe that these 2 issues are intertwined.<P>Here's my take on your situation, please don't misunderstand me, I'm not trying to attack you, but I thought you might appreciate my honest opinion. As always, take what you like and leave the rest.<P>It sounds to me that you are in what might be called an emotional affair. You haven't acted on the emotions yet, and I think that is to be commended very highly.<P>The Harley's and the MB princples are pretty clear about affairs - the temptation can happen to anyone. Your H is apparently not meeting all of your emotional needs, leaving you vulnerable to the temptation to seek that fulfillment elsewhere. I would be willing to bet that you are falling down on your job of meeting his needs also - I just want to make it clear that your H is not at fault here if you decide to have an affair - he will be the victim of your selfish choice if you decide to seek fulfillment outside of your marriage, rather than seeking a solution inside of it.<P>The only mistake you seem to have made so far is that you have allowed another man to start meeting your unmet emotional needs, leading to your sexual attraction to him.<P>The MB principles (you can read about this in Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair) state that you should follow the rule of Honesty, and immediately tell your H of your feelings for this other man. Affairs thrive on secrecy. As long as you keep your emotions and attraction secret, your marriage is at serious risk, and you are in extreme danger of choosing to have an affair.<P>Everyone else here has done a very good job of explaining the impact the affair on you and your life and your family. My own H, who has had numerous affairs, suggested to me one time, when I was trying to dissuade a friend from having an affair, that I should tell her that "When you feel bad and your life is a mess, it seems that an affair is the answer and will make you feel better. All it does is make you feel much worse."<P>Now, on to your daughter. See, I read your thread about your daughter after I read this thread about your attraction to another man. And huge red flags went off.<P>This is how I see it: Your increasing attraction to another man is fueling your increasing disatisfaction with your H. His faults, that never seemed to be a big deal, are now overly exaggerated. We refer to this as the "fog".<P>These emotions are causing increased tension at home, right? I would be willing to bet that your daughters are picking up on the undercurrent of tension. They may not know WHY, but I am sure that they are very much aware of your disatisfaction with your H.<P>Your daughter is 13. She's become a teenager. She's battling her limits and trying to establish herself as an individual, and of course, puberty has her hormones out of control. That she is going to butt heads with her parents is obvious.<P>Aaaah, but, she knows Mom is unhappy with Dad. Here is a situation ripe for manipulation. It seems to me that your daughter has discovered that she can play you against your H. And she's apparently doing a pretty good job of it.<P>Furthermore, your daughter is giving you the PERFECT excuse to walk from your marriage with your conscience (supposedly) intact. I think you are using your daughters problems with her father as your ticket out of the marriage.<P>Frankly, you probably need counseling and parenting classes, as a family. I think you need to be siding with your H, presenting a united front with him to your daughter, and not allow her to play you against him. <P>I do hope that you think very very hard about what your own emotions and attitudes are doing to the unity of your family, and the security of your daughters.<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

Dante,<BR>What you are feeling and would like to do are exactly what my STBXH felt. We have been together since the age of 16 and had both always been faithful. Our sex life was good and we enjoyed each others company. Then my H turned 40 and just had to find out if the grass was greener. I think he was also embarassed that I was his only one. He said that he needed his freedom to explore and if I "really loved him" I would understand. And after his exploration, if he wanted to come back "if I really loved him' I would be OK with that.<P>He doesn't mean to be cruel, but that is what this is to me. He does not have a clue how damaging it is to me that while he professes to love me, that he wants to "comparison shop" just in case something better may be out there. It is interesting because he is 40 lbs overweight, and people have said that I am a good looking woman, so I think I could date if I wanted. So it is not for that reason that I choose not to. It's because I promised God that I wouldn't. It is just that if you both seek out others, I think you give up something cherished in your vows. I think everyone, if they are honest about it, has been attracted to someone else in their lives. It's a human emotion. What is special is <B>how you react </B> to that attraction. And in marriage, I have vowed that my love for my spouse and my promise to God is stronger than that attraction. We are now divorcing because my H's urge to do "competitive shopping" was more important to him than his committment to us. It was his choice and he made it. He knew how important this was to me- to decide how he felt about us based on us alone, before others are brought in and complicate the issue.<P>I am not promoting divorce. But I am a supporter of the promises we make in marriage. So I finally decided that if this was the course he wanted to take, it would be better to go ahead and divorce. Maybe someday with a miracle we could get back together. But it would have to be with new marriage vows. New vows and new promises. <BR>That way they would still be a covenant. Maybe I'm silly but that is the way I feel.<P>I don't know how your H feels about your fantasy. I do know that if he doesn't feel the way you do, and feels more like me, it will cause incredible pain to him. And there is a good chance that it will destroy your marriage as it did mine. So tread carefully, you may not want the consequences of any action you take. I still love my STBXH dearly, but he choose "anyone but me." <P> <P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59

Dante,<P>Like you, I've never been with anyone but my husband. I read something recently (may have even been another post) that says, "If you think the grass is greener on the other side, it's time to fertilize your yard." I think maybe this would be good advice for you and your husband. Get away, try something new. Buy sex "how to" books or videos if necessary. Rent something suggestive to watch. Do anything you want, but do it together!!!! <P>My husband chose to experiment, and I'm not sure we'll get through this. Also, what message would you be sending your girls?<P>They say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't commit marital suicide.

Dante..<P>I am not a lady, but I would try to deal with your desire to have sex with men other than your husband. This is a BAD idea for more reasons than you can imagine.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Fighting..<P>Your take was RIGHT ON with this topic! Very well spoken<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Hey you all.... I have some good news, I think. As wacked in the head as I may sound at times, I do listen and I do have control over my crazy emotions. I read all of your replies and they just confirmed what I knew was right deep inside me. Some of yous are really good at this, you should be doing this for living, like BrambleRose. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and for sharing your own experiences with me. And I know the fix up to my problem is not going to be overnight, but at this point I am starting to work on it. I have been quite depressed lately and have not been much of a W or a mom but somehow I know I need to find it within me to get rid of these overwhelming feelings. We are planning some weekends getaways though with the children is quite difficult. But I really feel I see a dim light at the end of my tunnel. Again, I thank you all for taking the time to bring me back to earth. And like one of yous said... there's nothing wrong with fantazising as long as we don't do it.

Dante,<P>I was very happy to read your most recent post... . Now, if you do the necessary hard work and follow through with your intentions, you are likely to have a marriage more wonderful than you ever imagined... Good luck, and feel free to come by here anytime for a "tune-up"... <P>AGG