I was reading one of your posts, and you mentioned that when your husband was going through withdrawal, he started sleeping on the couch. I have some questions about this.<P>D-day for us was 3/30/01. My W denied the A and has never admitted to it. I have considerable proof, some she knows of and some she doesn't. Since D-day, I have not mentioned OM. I have been pleasant and kind. I have not gotten angry, judged her or made any demands. She has brought up divorce several times, but hasn't taken any action, in fact she wants me to help her with it. No chance! She expects me to walk into a lawyers office with her, fill out the paperwork and tie it all up with a pretty bow. She obviously wants me to share the guilt of breaking up our family with her. She on her own on that one.<P>Anyway, the past few weeks, my W has been very irritable towards our D, scolding her for every little thing. Our D is three. She is defiant and independent, a typical three year old. Also, my W has spent the last week on the couch.<BR>I haven't asked her why because I figured she wouldn't tell me the truth. What I wanted to know from you, is this behavior consistent with withdrawal? Is it guilt? Depression?<P>sad dad<P>

My husband also began sleeping on the couch. I now look back and see that it was his way of withdrawing from me. I do not know if he was having an affair, I just know that he did not want to be with me. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. All of our prayers are with you.<P>TB

sad dad- my H felt tremendous guilt about what he had done and the fact that he was confused about whether he wanted to stay married. He was unhappy with our marriage before the A and had alot of hidden anger towards me that he didnt know how to deal with. During his confusion time after d-day ( 4 mo)I didnt get too angry and tried not to LB. This increased his guilt and made him try to push me to divorce him- he told me that 'he wasn't sure if he wouldnt have an A in the future' and that 'I;d be better off without him' " that our marriage was hopeless' etc. All things to try to get ME to file on him. He was also getting pressure from OW to file on me. I didn't buy it. I kept telling him that divorce is WRONG, that in the Bible chapter of Malachi God says He hates divorce and I would never agree to it and would not make it an easy process if he insisted. That HE would have to file and tell our children by himself that I would NOT do it. Your wife is probably in withdrawal- if you think she is- do not press her for affection or question her much about your future together.My H was irritable during this time like your W is. I tried to ignore most of his insensitive behavior. She needs TIME to think about her future and sort out her thinking process and you need to rely on God's timing . I know this is SO hard to do. I would go to church ALOT during this time for emotional support. One time I asked H why he hadnt kissed me in months and he said "its as if you're insisting I go kiss the next door neighbor lady' He said he needed to wait to see if his feelings for me come back. I thought that over and saw that he needed even more time and space. I stayed in Plan A. Kept our conversation LITE.OUr therapist urged H to get control of his thoughts because thoughts lead to feelings and feelings lead to actions. Eventually his feelings came back for me all in a rush and our intimacy returned better than ever. If you have made any positive changes in yourself be sure to mention those from time to time. I went on meds for depression/anxiety and told H how they made me feel better. I also worked on my self confidence and completely improved my wardrobe. He liked these changes alot but he told me later that it took him time to believe that I didnt do it to manipulate him, that I wanted permanent improvements in myself and our marriage. Take care and feel free to ask me more questions- our situation went clear to the edge with H filing on me at one point but now we are in recovery and doing GOOD! lifeismessy

Rdhead10,<P>I hope she isn't withdrawing from me, but you may be right.<P><BR>LIM,<P>My situation sounds very similar to yours, except that my W hasn't admitted A, which doesn't really matter. She knows I know. She didn't mention D until she found my "proof", which pissed her off because she knew she was caught, although she came up with a ridiculous explanation. If you are interested in the details, you can read some of my earlier posts in "GQ2".<P>I have been working on making changes in myself since my W first told me of her unhappiness last November. She has acknowledged these changes to me and a mutual friend, but I know she is unsure if they are permanent. I would be too.<P>I think she is angry at me for the following reasons:<P>a. I have acknowledged my responsibility for the problems in our marriage without ever blaming her<P>b. I have made the changes in myself that were necessary<P>c. I confronted her about the A without LB'ing (no angry outbursts, no judgements, no demands); I have remained steady and composed throughout<P>Since D-day, I have given her no reason to justify what she is doing, and I think that's why she may be angry, at either me or herself. I've been told by a few on this website that I am executing a very good plan A, so I'll just keep on doing what I'm doing.<P>As far as divorce, I will not help her with that, in fact, I was advised by Steve Harley to contest it. I won't worry about that until I get served papers. For now, I'll just be as kind and loving as I can be, I'll try to have some fun and spend as much time with my daughter as I can.<P>Thanks for you responses.<P>sad dad <P>

Dear Sad Dad,<P>In my opinion, regardless if your W is sleeping on the couch or not, <B>as long as you are under the same roof, there is hope.</B> I think Rdhead and lifeismessy's insight is great. Whether she is withdrawing at this point or not, you are still in communication with each other. Sounds like you are doing the right things to give you guys the best chance possible.<BR>If I could have kept my H from leaving our home, I think I would have had a much better chance of saving our marriage. Even though he was in pain and confused, the kids and I were a visible reminder that we were there and we loved him. Once he left, it was much easier for him to compartmentalize his feelings for us and concentrate on his immediate gratification. That saying "Out of sight, out of mind" has been true in his case. Regardless of what she says, as long as she is living with you, she has not made up he mind in my book.<P>Hang in there and good luck to you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59

SoSad.59,<P>I don't think she had made up her mind either. It's been 2 months since she first said she wanted a divorce and has done nothing about it. She's apparently got some issues to work through, so I'm going to remain patient and continue to Plan A. I have become a master of patience the past 8 months. The thing that keeps me going is being with my D everyday. I know that any impatience, pushing, attempts to control the situation or LB'ing may push her over the fence towards divorce, which will mean I won't be with my D everday, and I don't want to face that possibility if I can help it.<P>sad dad

<BR>Dear Sad Dad,<BR>Sounds like you are on the right track. I made the mistake of trying to influence my H behavior when he first left. I gave him lots of friendship, intimacy and care. We saw each other often and had lots of dates. But I also told him what I needed from the relationship. I thought he was interested in taking our marriage to a more intimate level. But later I found that he felt pushed by my "needs". He says he needs someone who has NO expectations from him.<BR> <BR>I was hoping to influence him not to do anything that would go beyond the line and kill our chances of reconciliation. His response was to put an ad in the internet personals to meet women - which he did and met someone he now sees.<P>I don't know if you can relate to any of this. But I did learn that he was not ready to address my needs at all. I thought sharing my needs would encourage him to share his. Maybe if I had detached more and expected less it would have helped. I know when someone we love withdraws, the tendency is to pull them back. But I've learned that somtimes that is not the best thing to do.<P>Sounds like you are a heck of a Dad. My H hasen't spoken to his children in 6 months. Your W should be proud that her children have a Dad like you. <P>See Ya,<BR>Lisa<BR> <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

SoSad.59,<P>Thank you for your kind words. My D is my life! I am doing everything I can to save my marriage because my D deserves to grow up in a happy home with both parents. She is the innocent victim in all of this. I've made mistakes, my W's made mistakes, but our D should not have to pay the price for them. I'm not doing all of this just for my D. The fact is my W is a wonderful woman doing something very wrong. I love her more than I can say. The woman I see today is not my W, but she's in there somewhere buried beneath the "fog".<BR>I will not give up because I want to be able to look at my D and know I did everything I could to keep her family together.<P>I'm no saint, I know that now more than ever. I made a big big mistake when my D was born. I wanted so badly to be the best father in the world, that I let being the best husband I could be become secondary. If I get the chance, I give my W the same unconditional love that I give my D. <P>Try to keep the faith that the H you married and the father he has been is still in there somewhere buried beneath the "fog". It's that belief that keeps me going.<P>sad dad