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Saw this in a recent post (under Dante's <B>Poll for ladies</B> etc.) ...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Now I've fallen in love with someone who I'm quite sure won't be ready for that type of commitment for a while, so I have many issues.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It just jumped out at me since I have the same feeling. I've not had as much time lately but I've tried to follow your story for at least a few months.<P>Just wondering how things were going.<P>I am terrified at the idea of being in love with someone who is emotionally unavailable ... I doubt I'll ever want to get married again but I do want to have a long-term relationship with this man ... starting slowly and building myself back up, and letting him have his time and space ... and I'm having a hard time keeping it from getting serious because my heart is way too involved.<P>From what he has opened up to me about, he is just as scared because of how strongly he feels, and claims to not want 'serious' ... BUT we see each other almost daily ... don't know what to call THAT! *BG*<P>Of course, add to my situation that I'm not quite divorced, separated from an abusive STBX for just about seven months now, going through a total lifestyle change (home/job/car/friends) ... he's having sporadic trouble with his daughter's mom (they were never married, but she is married now, unhappily, and has wanted him back several times over the years, probably NOW more than ever since he has ME now) ... <P>I know he's going to have trust issues because when we dated in high school, I was the one who broke it off to see someone else ... and apparently his heart has been broken a number of times since then, and he hasn't dated much ... he jokes about him only being a 'boy toy' to me and I hope he doesn't really think that way, I can't HELP it that I can hardly keep my hands off him (he has no idea he's HOT!! *g*) ... in fact, I sometimes wonder what a guy as attractive as him sees in frumpy ol' ME ...<P>Wow, that just became ALL ABOUT ME!! So, I haven't had anyone to bounce this stuff off, can you tell? ;)<P>Gotta go for now. I can give you more (or less) detail if you are curious.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by T-L-C (edited July 13, 2001).]
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T-L-C,<P>Try stepping back from the relationship for awhile..not<BR>seeing each other every day...and going out w/ friends on other days..or if you have kids..going and doing something with them without him around..and continue to work on "you"<BR>in learning to balance your life..and not depending on "him" to meet all those needs that have gone unmet for so many years..because then if for some reason something happens and the relationship ends..then you won't be as devasted..you'll still have your self esteem in tact..and you won't have all your emotions wrapped up in one person..<P>I am trying to learn to balance these things as well..and I'm learning that just because we don't see each other every day..and don't talk to each other day..it's OKAY..and the relationship isn't going to suffer..Yes, I enjoy his company..and I love talking to him..but I am learning balance..it's okay that he doesn't stay the night at my house..and that I don't stay the night at his house..it's okay that he leaves to go home at 10:00 at night..or midnight..I actually like the relationship better this way..it's something I have always wanted..to take things slowly and get to know each other..and not rush into living together where you never have time for yourself..my stbxh did that shortly after we met..he'd come over and "expect" he was staying the night to the point he would just go climb in "my" bed when he got tired..he "expected" that because he came over after work that He would eat dinner w/ us..(he wasn't invited) these are things he was doing within two weeks of us going out the first time..he'd just show up not calling..no invitation..and if I had company..whether it be man or woman...he would get mad..he was looking at the relationship as we were "already" married..and I should have RAN as fast as I could from that..but I didn't want to "hurt" his feelings..so I never said anything..so take your time..and don't be afraid to talk to this man about HOW your feeling inside, about your fears, everything..if you can't talk to him now about these things..You'll never be able to..and he should also be able to share his fears w/ you..and not leave you guessing as to whats going on in his head..<P>Anyway...Tale your time..and don't rush it...<P>Hope this helps
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Hi TLC,<P>Just dropping by to offer support. I haven't seen your for awhile, so in case you don't know, I am the old new_beginning.<P>As you may or may not know, although it is all over these pages, I have recently remarried. I met my H before my divorce was final, so I understand the situation in which you find yourself - emotionally, spiritually, morally.<P>Be careful with your heart... it is precious.<P>There's a few of us brave souls who have admitted to doing some unconventional things (like meeting someone before the divorce is final) and we're here to support each other. You may have some drop by and tell you how wrong your situation is too... that's to be expected.<P>Nice to see you!!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino
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<BR>ThornedRose-<BR>About once a week, I have to fight the urge to RUN. I write long letters that I never send, and chat with a longtime friend about him, and all the little details come out. I find that my fears are nothing to do with him and the things he says and does ... they are ghosts of my past, scars from old wounds that I shouldn't feel anymore.<P>I do put time with my friends & family ahead of him, much to my own surprise at times *g* as I had not been the type to put anyone else in front of my boyfriend. There have already been a few times that he wanted me to do something with him, that I have said I've got plans with a friend, or obligations to family, and resisted those big brown eyes somehow. ;)<P>He doesn't stay over very often because I have my kids most of the time, although it has been less now that summer's here ... it isn't assumed that when they are not here that he will stay ... and he's quite capable of making himself something to eat if he's hungry. :D<P>I missed him the most the first week the kids were gone and he was working long hours, and didn't come over much. I learned to enjoy the time alone, and spent a lot of time renting videos I had wanted to see and hadn't gotten around to ... :P<P>It is scary how easy I can tell him what I feel ... and he's been opening up more with me too. Taking things slow is sooooooo difficult, but he always seems to know what to say when things are getting uncomfortable. I really enjoy spending time with him, isn't that what it's all about?<P>Nyneve-<BR>Thanks for the support. I know there are many who disagree with dating before the divorce is final -- I was one of them until it happened to me -- and I respect their opinions as long as they respect mine.<P>I have had a few uncomfortable moments, such as seeing some people from my church at a movie we went to, wondering what they thought (and realizing it doesn't really matter), finding myself with even more questions for God than I had while I was trying to decide if I should leave my STBX, bearing a lot of guilt for not having more control of my feelings, etc.<P>I suppose things will work out the way they are meant to.
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The memories getting stirred up in coffeecake's <B>verbal abuse</B> thread are making it hard to even consider a relationship where love and trust are real ... I've been extremely moody and emotional, and every time I think I want to pull away from him, he holds me so close. I'm so confused.<P>It isn't him that I don't believe in. It's the whole concept of love that isn't linked to extreme pain. I want to believe that it doesn't have to hurt ... to stop resisting every time I get overwhelmed with a euphoric rush of emotion ... but every time it hits me, whenever it starts to show that he might just have deep feelings for me as well, something makes me feel like running and hiding.<P>I guess this is really an issue for my psychologist to deal with. ;)<P><BR>It helps a lot to get these things out. Sometimes you don't want to share so much this personal with casual friends.<P>Really, I'm not so sure anymore that it's HIM that is emotionally unavailable! When I start to feel, it is intense and frightening, and I want to turn it off!<BR><p>[This message has been edited by T-L-C (edited July 16, 2001).]
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Hi TLC,<P>I'm writing to respond to your question, and to those who are already on this topic. I don't look forward to the potential flames that this could start though. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>Anyhow, your situation is VERY similar to mine . I did start dating someone before my D was final. It was final about 6 weeks after we started, however I already signed the papers, it was a matter of the county filing it. He was in the process of D also, and about as equally close to signing the final papers.<P>We both knew going into it, that we needed to go slow. We knew it was a potential harder relationship to start because of 2 divorces to go thru, but the connection and chemistry were too much to ignore. <P>So the relationship took off, I became divorced. His ex took notice to me and stalled the D for 7 months, later turning it into a legal seperation. Believe me, I had NO clue that would happen when I let myself get emotionally invested, but when things happen, you just deal with them I guess.<P>Anyhow, the first 7 months, were like a fairy tale, I got flowers once a week, lots of romantic fun times and not one worry in the world.<P>Once the kids got mixed in, the real issues were coming forward and his ex did NOT want me in their life. It turned out she was having an affair with my bf's brother for long before I came around and they split (I was not around before they split). In her anger, she turned to her ex (my bf) and tried to get him to decide to come home. He was very much tempted to save the family and a betrayal occured. As soon as it happened, she told him it would never work and that she was sleeping with his brother. SHe did this to end us, and end her brother's new relationship. <P>The next 2 months we started to slowly rebuild the relationship and took a HUGE step back. This is why I believe he will no longer be ready for a commitment anytime soon. He has a new set of healing to overcome, betrayal by his brother (very devestating) and I'm overcoming it too. I also believe he has a severe distrust of women because of her.<P>There are people who say that since they were still legally married, it was not a betrayal to me, but we had a commitment to be faithful and he broke it, however, IF I knew that the D would have taken SO long, I'd have waited to be involved, it just sort of unraveled that way. In my eyes, it was a betrayal, and it hurt very badly, and I did NOT deserve it.<P>In the end, I have learned that getting involved with people before the D is final, is not a good idea. They can tell you they are ready, you can say your up for the challenge, but the feelings that come when all that goes on, are too much at times to handle and the relationship does get strained.<P>I feel that we still actually have a really good chance at a future, but have to take a step back now and heal on our own for a while. I actually respect the fact that he tried one last time to save the marriage, and that made me actually understand him better. I just think he should have broke it off with me first, thats my only complaint.<P>What's done is done, but honestly, recognize when someone is emotionally unavailable and not ready. Be honest with each other and talk about it. Then decide what to do. In my case, I'm going to take time to learn more about me, go back to school for a good paying career change, and learn how to be happy with me. At the moment, he's still there, and I won't lie, its nice to know he is there, and have someone to do dinner with or go someplace fun, its just not an everyday thing like it used to be.<P>But the future, the dreams, the plans, have all been put on the back burner, and we have to do this one day at a time. <P>TLC, we all have trust issues, but can't always blame the past for them, can't blame the ghosts, or each other, they are our own ghosts to deal with. You can't be responsible if he doesn't trust because of something you did in high school!<P>Even I have to learn to re-trust bf after the betrayal, and I'm doing very good 98% of the time. If you can't find the trust, then take a huge step back and find out why.<P>Jane Elise, recommended a book called "If budda dated", and I have seen excerpts from this book and I am really intereseted in reading it. It sounds like you might like it too.<P>Good luck and take time to decide what YOU want. <P>Feel free to email me privately at miss_dana_b@hotmail.com if you like, I don't get here as much as I'd like to right now.<P>Hugs, Dana<P>PS Someone else commented that "its ok" to not get a call everyday, and not see each other everyday. I think this has a lot to do with us being used to a man in our life everyday for so long. Getting used to waking up next to him, his daily calls, seeing him after he got home from work. When we get into our first relationships after D, we really are used to being a wife, not a girl friend, and I know MANY women here, who like that daily phone call (myself included) and I know equally as many men here who purposely DON"T make the daily call to eliminate the expectation of it.<P>I think this is REALLY interesting, and don't see what the big deal is of a daily call anyway, if anything just to keep connected since we are EXCLUSIVELY dating these people. Maybe it is just the conversation need coming thru. But I did want to comment, that I also had an issue about learning how to get by without it, and not expect it. I also don't call him AT ALL, and have probably only called 15-20 times tops in the whole 10 months. I just leave it to him so I can't be called clingy, pushy or controlling, and try to figure it on my own.<P>Good luck TLC and keep in touch.<BR>
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<BR>A divorced girlfriend and I were talking about how hard it is to get out of 'wife' mode when you're ready (or not) to start dating. You get used to having someone sleep next to you, to being there when you get home, to join you for dinner, to sit on the couch and just talk to ... some days it is just so lonely to go to bed and have nothing but a pillow to hold.<P>Other days I smile when I realize that I didn't have to pick up ONE DIRTY SOCK all week long ... ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif) <P>
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<BR>You get used to having someone sleep next to you, to being there when you get home, to join you for dinner, to sit on the couch and just talk to ... some days it is just so lonely to go to bed and have nothing but a pillow to hold.<BR>-------------------------------------------<BR>I've been sleeping w/ just a pillow for years...and I've been married..so I'll have a hard time getting used to snuggling w/ an actual person...<P><BR>Other days I smile when I realize that I didn't have to pick up ONE DIRTY SOCK all week long ... ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/wink.gif) <P><BR>I wish I didn't have dirty socks to pick up...but w/ three kids there is always something dirty I have to pick up...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr<P>I think it's nice having someone actually be there and support me when I discipline my kids..someone who tells them..."What did your mother tell you to do??" then I think you should get it done NOW!!! <P>Something I didn't have before with their dad..and I enjoy the weekends they are away..sure I miss them..but I've never had any real time alone until now..and it's wonderfull..<BR>not that i'd like it all the time..but every other weekend to myself to do nothing..and not worry..is nice..<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by ThornedRose (edited July 19, 2001).]
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