Hi you all,<P>I've been reading this messageboard for the last few weeks and now I finally got the courage and the strength to post. <BR>I am battling the same issues as most of you on this board. I thought I could share my story with you and get some feedback. I don't know if I am doing the right thing or not.<P>So here is my story:<BR>My wife left me exactly four weeks ago. It has been the worst month of my life. She left saying she wasn't happy. Wanted to find herself and find happiness. I was totally schocked. I thought our relationship was fine or otherwise she would say something about it. Talking to her later, I found out that I was too controlling. I offered to make changes, be willing to do anything just to get a chance to fix our troubled marriage. She refused everything. She said that she doesn't want to try working out things because she doesn't think it would work. She just rejected all of my pleas and moved in with her sister. I was heartbroken. I just could not accept and understand the fact that the women I love so dearly is not willing to give me chance. I started seeing a cancellor and asked friends for advice. I went to church and started praying every day. It helped a few days. But then, as trouble never comes alone, I came to found out that on the evening of the fourth, after the fireworks show my wife and my best friends kissed. This was a slap on my face I didn't expect it. Until then, I was talking to him every day about my problems and asked him to help me through this crisis. At that timne he said OK. After the kiss, I confronted him and asked him to back off and let us figure out first what do we want to do. He said he made a mistake and they are just only friends. A few days later I went over to his house, only to find him and my wife in each others arms making out in the middle of the livingroom floor. I was completely devastated. Then suddenly I just realized, that no matter how hard I was trying, I could not get her back. At least not at this point in her life. Obviously, there was something in our relationship that she was missing and now she thinks she has found it. At this point I think I could be the charming prince on the white horse, she still wouldn't care. I just have to sit back and wait for her fog to disperse and than hopefully she will see me again. <P>It is hard to deal with the lonliness, empty house, etc. Everywhere I go, everything I see reminds me of her. What make things worst, is that her newly found companion -my ex-best friend- works with me and our offices are next to each other. I see him smiling while talking on the phone at length and I know she is the one on the other end. It just breaks my heart. On a good note, everybody at work is sympathetic and nice to me. In the beginnig I could not eat or sleep at nights. I lost about 15 lbs. Now, almost every evening I am invited to someone's house for dinner. It helps, because I take my mind off of her. It is also easier to face the future, knowing that no matter what, I have people I can count on and a few shoulders to cry on ( I just don't think I have any tears left (<P>I went to the courthouse yesterday and got the divorce papers. I filled them out and I will be thaking them over to her. I don't know if she is ready for it or not, but I don't think I have a choice. As long as I am still married to her I will hope for reconcilliation. But right now she doesn't want that. So it is time for me to move on. It is just really hard to do and I am struggling a lot. Hopefully, I could let her go in peace and make the mental switch easier if I am not binded to her legally. In the mean time, I am praying every day to the Lord to guide me through these rough times.<P>I know there is a brighter tomorrow out there, I just can't see it yet.<P>Thank you for taking the time and reading my post. I just neede to vent my head.<P>God bless you all.<P>A

Dear Tacsi,<P>I am so sorry. <BR>You are right. You can't control her behavior and her actions. After my STBXH left, I tried to keep him from doing anything that would close the door to reconciliation. And when I couldn't, it broke my heart. And my trying to keep him close probably helped drive him further away. I don't know. But the wonderful people I have talked to at this site made me realize that I can only control my reactions to what happens. It is up to my H how he acts. And then it is my decision whether his behavior is something I can accept.<P>My heart hurts for the pain you are in. And to have that compounded by the situation with your "friend" and that he actually works with you sucks (pardon my french)<P>People here reminded me that the best strategy is to behave with grace and dignity. And behaving with love is a powerful weapon - especially when your spouse is behaving badly. Then no matter what happens, you can be at peace with yourself. Also please read about Plan A and Plan B and love busters. I did not find this site until after my H had been gone for over a year. If I had read about plan A and love busters, I think I would have had a better "fighting chance" for saving my marriage. I know I did not always react to his withdrawal and betrayal in the most productive way. These sites explain the best way to react to withdrawal, betrayal and the feelings of rejection. <P>Realize that you still have hope, whether the divorce process continues or not. It sounds like you are taking steps to work on yourself, which is a what I have seen recommended here many times. While you can't control your wife's behavior and actions, you can control yours.<P>You are in our thoughts and prayers. Write often and let us know how you are feeling.<P>God bless you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Character is determinded by what you do when no one is watching. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>------------------<BR>SoSad.59

Dear SoSad.59,<P>Thank you for your really kind words. (And your quote. It is awesome!!!)<P>You wrote: "People here reminded me that the best strategy is to behave with grace and dignity. And behaving with love is a powerful weapon - especially when your spouse is behaving badly. Then no matter what happens, you can be at peace with yourself." I could do nothing, but agree with that. The last few weeks I learned that the sun doesn't shine every day. And like it or not, I have face the rainy days when they come. I also learned that it is easier to make it through those dark, humid days if I am surrounded by people who care. <P>Have a good weekend.<P>A <BR>

Welcome to the frontlines of the battle between God and Satan! You probably have been asking yourself why is this happening to you? Rejoice, because the LORD wants you. Satan sees opportunities to destroy you, your wife, and your marriage? Armor yourself with Jesus Christ, and the attacks will diminish, and they even get boring after a bit. Your wife is not the enemy. Do not let the things she is doing cloud your judgement. I know you are angry, bitter and resentful of what is happening. You say you hope for reconciliation, then take the focus away from her and fix your eyes on the LORD, for HE does not want divorce, He HATES it. You have done everything you could possibly do to save your marriage. Now you must let God do his work, both on you and her. Letting go is the hardest thing to do. If it is in your heart to forgive and stand for your marriage, do not file for divorce. You have fallen into Satan's trap my initiating the paperwork, because he knows your wife can't. This is a battle of the spirit, not the flesh. We must never give in to the discouragement we face. This tribulation produces perserverence, then character, then hope, and hope doesn't disappoint (Rom 5:3-5). Just remember we take ownership of our decisions. We choose to fight. We choose to stand firm. We choose to see the victory. We choose to wait on the LORD's faithfulness. What matters is the ultimate victory in the war.<P>The materials at <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> are invaluable to me in my battle. My wife (married 7/29/00) left me in April, filed in May, and will be final near the end of August. I made every mistake to make her feel she needed to leave, I've tried everything to make her come back, pushing her farther away. Yet the faith remains strong. <P>brix93@gateway.net

Hey Tacsi,<BR>My insides wrenched when I read your story because except for the OM being my best friend I could have written your post about myself word for word. It's scary how both our spouses used the same reasons for leaving. She also told me she wasn't happy anymore and she wanted to be on her own for a while to "think" about things. I was totally clueless that she was unhappy, she never said a thing. The real kicker to me was the accusation that I was too controlling of her?? I was like what the heck are you talking about, I think she was confusing me with her mother. <BR> You're struggling with the idea of filing for divorce? Well to be honest I did the same and wish I hadn't. I know it wouldn't have postponed anything because she was going to file for it anyway but I have this guilt I'm dealing with now that I initiated the divorce. I was trying to do three things by filing and that was to bluff her into trying to realize what she would be loosing and to protect myself financially, come to find out she didn't give a darn about me at all and I could have accomplished the same thing by filing for a legal seperation instead. And finally because I thought it was the last act I could do for her to make her happy. To this day she throws that in my face and I have to accept that for truth. I know she wanted it but that's besides the point it's something that I have to live with now and something she's always going to use against me and when the day comes to explain it to my daughter why I filed, I can only hope she'll understand.<BR> This all began in February of 2000, the divorce has been final as of Jan. 2001 but I'm still having a rough time, I haven't moved on as I should have. I still hurt to think of the woman I love in the arms of another man. I understand truly and whole heartly the pain you're experiencing and wish I could offer you more but I can't. I've come here to MB to get quick fixes because that's all they seem to be right now. I appreciate all the advice and the encouragement I get from this site and it really makes me feel better about myself and the situation I'm in but like I said it's a quick fix and the feelings don't last long for me. The only thing I can advise is visit here often, don't be afraid to post any questions you might have because someone always has an opinion, some good some not so but worthy none the less. People here get you to think about some of the things you may never have on your own. So, yes, take care of yourself first and foremost and best wishes.<BR>Jax

A,<BR> My XW had/has her exit affair with a good friend of mine, in the small circle of friends that we used to hang around. Not only have I lost the love of my life, but some very dear friends, as well. Yes, there are those who will put one arm around you, and the other around your wife.<P>Restore Ministries does have the materials to help, and guide you. I'd like to second cbrixius' suggestion that you visit there, and get the hope/strength that you need. RM is the ministry of Dan and Erin Thiele, a couple that went through what you, and the rest of are going through now. Dan left her for another woman, and divorced her. She developed what has got to be the ultimate Plan A/B combination in terms of its success. Love the agape way (without expectation), and let God soften her heart. Do not stand in her way. Do not be angry. Agree with her. BUT, first and foremonst, you must make Jesus Christ the Lord of your life. There is more...much more, but those things you must do immediately.<P>The sit with the OM is difficult, but...do not discuss the EA/PA, or them to anyone around you, especiallt at work. This is also key to the plan. You see, your tongue is your worst enemy. You must get control over your tongue. Use it to bless, not curse.<P>At the very least, get the book 'How God Will Restore Your Marriage', and if you can afford ~$90, get the men's restoration package. This powerful set of materials will guide you to peace, love, understanding and hope. It will transform you into the sort of Godly man that she will run back to.<P>I have been to many sites that deal with this issue. This one here is by far the best in terms of the people, and their general attitudes. Bitter people don't last long here...there is a sort of watchdog effect at work, although I have not seen too much ill-will here...a little resentment when nerves are struck, but this forum seems filled with people seeking real answers.<P>There are no quick fixes, although I feel that Jax was referring to the fact that if you post here, someone will send you some hope, and healing. There is a fellowship here that is unmatched (IMHO) in my life. This did not happen to you overnight...it will be fixed in God's time, not yours.<P>Humble yourself before the Lord...God does not like proud, angry men. You will pile failure upon failure until you realize that. Work on yourself, my friend, and trust in God to do the rest. He will not abandon you.<P>While you are waiting, get yourself some 3x5 cards, and your Bible. Read Psalms, Proverbs, and James. Put a heading on each card (like Faith, Pride, Anger, etc.), and copy verses that speak to you on each. When you are sitting at your desk, and you get those feelings, find the appropriate card, and get some strength from the Word of God. It helps a lot. I mixed some affirmations into classical music, made an MP3, and took timeout each day to just listen to it. It was a complex process (and it kept me busy doing it), but it worked wonders as I was in the D process. Go here for some <A HREF="http://www.mikeblake.net/pwrtools/diy.htm" TARGET=_blank>instructions</A>. If you'd like, e-mail me, and I can burn you a CD with MP3s, or raw audio. If you want to read those verses into your sound card-equipped computer, or a cassette recorder and send them to me somehow (cassette, or CD), I would do the rest.<P>Friend, my heart goes out to you, I want to help you in your time of desperation and need. God has brought you here so that you may get healed. Let us help you. You can do this. Be strong...be loving...get some peace. God bless you...read Psalm 51 NOW. -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 15, 2001).]