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Mitzi Offline OP
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Ok, so I'm not happy about it! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>He's been gone for 18 months, only spent about 14 hours with them last year. And now suddenly, he wants them to meet his "girlfriend". <P>I don't want them around her. I don't think she's good enough to take care of my sons. And basically, I'm afraid they'll like being there more than they like being with me. But I don't want to be the bad guy and tell them I don't want them to go. <P>It's kinda funny howthoughts of violence keep going thru my head!!<P>Ok, I need some encouragement. Tell me that it's gonna be ok, and that my kids will still love me!<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

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It's gonna be okay and your kids will still love you!<P>There will never be anyone to take your place in their hearts....you are always MOM!!!<P>While I don't have kids, it was hard for me to watch my neices and nephews have to meet the "new dad" after my brother and SIL divorced. I didn't like the guy and was so worried about his impact on their lives.<P>Gosh, that's gotta be a tough pill to swallow! I would want to grab them and say "this woman is a piece of sh*t and I will never like her or trust her....beware!!!"<P>(Maybe it's a good thing I don't have kids.....)<P>Keep the faith, girl!<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

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Mitzi!!<P>{{{{{Mitzi}}}}<P>You silly goof. I really WILL be okay. Your boys really WILL still love you. The may eventually one day grow to tolerate the Thing in a "well, we might as well" kind of way, but for the rest of their lives, they will know which woman stayed with them, took care of them, struggled for them, laughed with them, cried with them, got sick with them (and hopefully not ON them), played with them, talked with them, and LOVED them. Trust me. [Until they turn about 13yo. Then all bets are off--right RWD? Haha. Parenting a teenager is a whole 'nother thing]<P>Anyway, I really understand how scary this is, but just remember this. Keep your focus on being the best woman and mom that you can be, and the boys WILL know who their mom is and who the tart is. Okay? Hugs to you! {{{{{Mitzi}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Mrs. O,<P>I do seriously want to say all the bad things I can think of about him and her. But I don't because he is my sons' father. <BR>It does just suck!! This has all been put off for so long and now I can't stop it any longer. I want to beg the boys not to go. But I don't want them to ever think of me as the bad guy. And my ex can never say that I kept the boys from him. <P>CJ,<P>Well, my oldest is almost 12 so I understand a little about the teenager thing! LOL LOL <P>But when he gets mad at me over something stupid, I know I'm gonna hear "I wanna go live with Dad and Barb!" I will try my best not to go insane when that happens! LOL<P>Thanks for the hugs!!!<BR>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Mitzi, I know how painful this is for you. My "kids" are actually my step-son and my H's niece and nephew who lived with us for the past 4 years. My niece became very close to my H because of problems with her own dad. My H threw me out and moved OW in. Kids hated her for breaking up their family and told my H so and he threw them out too! But he tried to make up with my niece later and I almost lost it when she snuck away to meet with him. I was not cool about it.<P>As the mother though, you will always be #1. I'm a step-mother and aunt-guardian and I know that the mothers always came 1st to the kids.

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You know your kids will always love you. It is a test of parent's love when a kid says they don't. I could only imagine what tomorrow will be like for you.<P>((((Mitzi)))

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Hey Mitz,<P> It'll be ok.I'm sure your boys will always love ya,...how could they not,with all that you do for them?<P> I'm gonna check up on ya tomorrow! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR> ~~Murph [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Mitzi Offline OP
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LetSTry and gsd,<P>Thanks for the encouragement! I'm really needing it right now. I'm actually a nervous wreck and he's not getting the boys til 4:30!! YUCK!!!<P>Murph,<P>I'm around and doing ok. Although I could probably puke about now. So I'm a little jealous! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Talk to ya later!<BR>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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<BR>It's gonna be okay and your kids will still love you!!<P>My psychologist told me something that would also fit here, sort of. I was very upset by having to send my children to stay with my STBX's mother, as that is where he is living. The woman is evil and tells the children horrible lies about me, and they come home angry with me and wanting to stay with her ...<P>Anyway, I told him that I want to protect them from her, and he said, what do baby bear cubs see when their mother is protecting them? Well, they see a loud angry mean mom! He said to just focus on LOVING them and not protecting them, and things will be fine. <P>When the kids are older I know they'll look back and see that their grandma was bitter and nasty, and their mom didn't sink to that level. It's just hard to deal with NOW.

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Mitzi Offline OP
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T-L-C,<P>It's not just the fact that she was the OW. Some of the "old-timers" here may recall that She is nothing but trouble.<P>She is an alcoholic, drug addict, a man was shot at her house cause she was seeing 2 men at the same time, she called my sons bas***ds shortly after my ex moved out...etc...Plus she had her children taken from her when they were younger. I DON'T want this woman around my children. Of course, right now, they don't need to be around their father (he is also an alcoholic and addict too). But he's still their father. I can't do anything about that.<P>It's so frustrating!!<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Mitzi Offline OP
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My sons are now officially with my ex and his girlfriend. <P>This actually hurts me more than the affair itself.<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Mitzi-<P>I know your boys are young, but they seem protective of their mother. Kids are pretty perceptive, and your husband's lack of time and caring have probably registered with them on some level. That is never a good thing, but it also probably makes them cleave to you more. That is a good thing. You are the stable influence in their lives. You are an example of a caring, hard working devoted mother that they can respect and look up to. Believe me, somewhere inside, they can tell the difference between you and his GF. Hang in there, and remember what a good, strong, capable mother you are. <P>Cher

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Ya know, Cheryl, I know all of that is true. But right now, it just doesn't matter. <P>What matters is...I'm there mother and they should be with me and not with some piece of ****!! I should be spending Saturday evening with them. She shouldn't get the priviledge of even knowing who my children are and what they look like. She should never get the priviledge of knowing what their voices sound like. <P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mitzi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>First, my oldest is almost 15yo, so I'm still hoping he'll grow out of it--you know, the "I know so much better than my mom" attitude. I've heard it can happen, so my fingers and toes are crossed.<P>Second, if you son is childish enough to pull the, "I want to go live with Dad and Barb" ploy, bear in mind that they are still children even though their bodies are getting big. That's nothing but an inexperienced attempt at unhealthy manipulation, and it is your JOB as a parent to teach them how to manipulate in a healthy way (LOL)! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>Please don't take this wrong, but there's about a 90% chance that SHE is going to try to win them over by enforcing no rules and giving them stuff; whereas YOU are going to have to enforce rules and tell them you can't afford stuff--sooooooo...there's about a 90% chance that at some point, when you are saying no in their best interest, and she's saying yeah fine, you're going to hear that line. Just keep on doing what you need to do and what you know to do anyway.<P>Last but not least, when your heart is freaking out because your kids are around alcoholic-"pot-heads"-who-are-bad-influences-on-your-kids-but-you-can't-prove-anything, remember to come HERE and panic and whine and complain and whatever you need to do. That way A) we can support you and encourage you, and B) you'll still look cool and calm in front of them, because you let it all out with us.<P>Here is your mantra: It WILL be okay. It WILL be okay.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mitzi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Hi CJ,<P>Yeah, I know all of the stuff about her trying to win them over is probably gonna happen. Hell! I'm a psychology major! LOL I know this stuff like the back of my hand, but when it's me personally, it's hard to be objective and calm.<P>I do remain calm around the boys. I know it's not fair that they be sucked into this mess. I keep my emotions in check and don't let them know when something upsets me. This evening when he picked them up, I smiled and waved and told them to have fun. After they were gone, I came inside, shut the door and cried. Even screamed a little. <P>And now I'm feeling a bit better! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] (weak smile)<P>Mitzi

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Mitzi, My H is also an alcoholic pot-head. I was devastated when, behind my back, he and the kids (all teenagers) planned a trip to a concert to benefit the cause of legalizing marijuana. They refused to look at me or speak to me as they were leaving and I ranted, cried, and screamed. I really lost it. <P>A few weeks later, after my H threw kids and me out of the house and moved OW in, the kids told me how the trip went. My H was wasted. He tried to go pick up the OW, but the kids said he'd have to take them home if they did that. They couldn't get into the concert because they weren't all over 18. H took them to a place to buy "legal" marijuana (this was in Berzerkeley, CA) and got them all high. They spent the night in a motel after driving aimlessly for hours. The kids said my H was totally weird and obnoxious, calling OW on his cell phone all night. <P>Despite the horror of the episode, the kids see the truth. Even though they all have smoked pot and felt my H was "cooler" than me, they described him as a "party buddy not a parent." They no longer speak to him, but still keep in regular contact with me. <P>I know your kids are younger and I was ranting hysterically here not long ago about OW's 4 year old daughter being with my H and OW because I heard from her grandmother (who works for me) that she was playing sex games with her Barbie and Ken and telling her aunt that this is what my H and her mom do. <P>I think all you can do is love them, but if something happens, please report it and maybe you can get supervised visitation for your H without OW.

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Does she have an arrest record for drug use or DUI? It would seem to me that if so, you could get an order prohibiting contact with her. You shouldn't have to wait for something to happen. <P>My H's OW gave up trying to win the middle kids over very quickly. She still treats one of the younger ones far better than she does the other kids, giving her presents, etc, and the favoritism certainly has not gone unnoticed by the other kids.

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Nellie,<P>I don't think she has an arrest record. Not sure though. The only thing that can be proven right now, is that a man was shot at her house. It was a "love triangle" thing. That could work to my advantage. <P>They're all 3 home safe and sound. My youngest said she is "cool!' But that's ok, cause he's only 4 and doesn't know the full story. (I wouldn't want him to). The other 2 said they had fun but didn't talk to her much. They went to spend time with their dad and that's what they did. Who knows if it will even happen again?!<P>Thanks for being here for me today!<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hey Mitz,<P>I've been where you are now and I know it sucks. Two years ago x was dying for the kids to meet and get to know om. He was going to go with her to pick up our son at her mothers, because he didn't want her to make the long(1.5 hr each way) drive by herself. This was less than a month after she moved out.<P>This week she was taking the kids to their grandmothers and I didn't hear one word about him going along. The other day my son said om/h hadn't done anything about finishing his(my s's) bedroom, all om/h does is work on his car.<P>So I think the honeymoon for meeting the kids is over. It was hell ehile it was going on, but I survived and you will too.<P>I think it is just that the ws wants approval some badly that they are desparate to bring the kids into the picture. They know the kids will accept them so they figure the A will get the kids blessings too.<P>We all know that the kids are smarter than that and that they will soon see throught it all.<P>We(you) just have to standback and watch for signs of trouble. I would be concerned about the drinking and driving.<P>My g/f's x has a drinking problem and she worries about him with the kids too. So if he is a danger to the kids, then take what ever legal action you can.<P>Hang in!<P>Bob<P>

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Hey Mitzi,<P>it's been a while since I've been on, but I felt for you when I read your post.<P>Having been there, it is harder than facing up to their affair. What made it worse in my case is that the new gf is someone I flew with 10 years ago. Puke puke puke. The mere thought of her with my kids sent me mad. My mother was so worried she finally said to me that this would kill me if I didn't deal with it. That sunk in.<P>So, deal with it I did. I still dislike her, and hate the thought of my girls being with her but what gives me comfort is this. She seems to like them, and the girls seem to like her. At least she doesn't hit them, or abuse them, or hurt them. And that's all I can ask for.<P>Her influence over them will hopefully be negligible, her time with them will be limited and she has no input into their upbringing.<P>Your boys will be the same. Her influence over them will be nil. Your boys have the benefit of being a little older, and will start to see things the way they really are. That you are there for them constantly, and Dad and OW are not.<P>Just jumped on to check in before I put the kids to bed. I'll try and get back on later.<P>love and hugs to you<P>Jo xxxxxxx


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