H called me today and wanted to talk about finances. Told me he would pay for the house and the truck. I asked him what about the rest of the bills? He said I can't pay everything. After all the bills are paid that leaves me with about 600.00 a month for groceries, gas ect. I have three teenage kids to support! I laid into him big time. I told him how I felt about the whole mess. I cried some and yelled some and really let him have it. He just sat on the phone and didn't say a word. He just kept saying he didn't know what to say and that he can't help how he feels. I told him that is a copout and that he better start to think about what he has done to the people that love him the most. I want to try plan B but how do you do it when you have kids? We still have to work out the money thing ect. I don't know what to do. How can I love him after this? How can I love him after he did nothing but throw me away? I told him that I feel like yesterdays garbage, like I'm nothing. He made no comment what so ever. I'm so hurt and confused right now I don't know what to do. Last week I was doing pretty good and now I'm a mess. I'm so scared, how am I going to survive? I don't know how I'm going to pay the bills and still feed the kids. I can't afford a lawyer right now even if I wanted one.<BR>I'm just so sad,scared,frusterated and alone.<P>Jill

Oh, Jill, I am SO sorry. I wish all of this wasn't so hard on you. Finances are a problem - it's a big worry of mine. This month I even borrowed from my daughter (saved b-day money). I've arranged for ot at work to bring in more. I hate these hard days.<P>Do you think there's any way that you two can talk about it without getting upset? If you want to try plan B, is there a neutral 3rd party with a good financial head that you both trust who can mediate? I mean, since you can't handle legal expenses now? I know that letting someone in on your finances is way personal - I've never been good at it, but if it were someone he felt was fair, too, maybe he'd be more reasonable. Seems like he may be thinking that if he pays more, HE won't have enough to live as he wants to (or whatever). Someone (and probably not you) needs to tell him that he doesn't take care of himself first, but must be as fair as possible to all of you. <P>Have you checked to see what your state would require for child support for the kids? That's a decent starting point and the formulas are public. <P>Maybe modify plan b for visitation w/ the kids. Hey, if he thinks he wants divorce, he can't just stop by whenever. Sometimes, the having your cake and eating it too has got to stop. Maybe, that will get him to think. Meet once or twice (since your kids are teens, they get some say, too, privately, of course) and determine a schedule. Stick to it. This is the real world, he's making a real decision that is causing real pain to people who love him. He must face that and live by the rules of the conditions that HE has caused. Or, if you really want to minimize contact, negotiate in writing or through a 3rd party. (Although it's a bummer to involve anyone else in these things)<P>Hang in there. I know you feel sad and frustrated. You're not alone though. It's not the same as a loving husband in your marriage, but not bad to have so many people who care.<P>Let me know how you're doing.<P>Lori

Thanks Lori,<BR> I've calmed down some but I'm just so mad and disappointed with him right now. I hope he is feeling really bad right now. I really,really laid alot of stuff on him. I mean I totaly blew up. I guess I have had this built up in me for along time and I just couldn't hold it in anymore. The worst part of this is I'm scared that I've blew it and that now there is no chance what so ever of reconciliation. Why would I want to anyway that is what I have to figure out. I guess that is what the councilor is for. He told me that his fear is that I will move on with my life and things won't work out with her and he will be alone. I told him that is a possibility and that if his life ends up that way he will have nobody to blame but himself. How much should I really take. How much should we all take. There are so many people here on this board who are hurting so much. Is it really worth saving a marriage after all of this hurt? I know I'm not alone and that has been my saving grace through all of this. I'm really happy I have found some really good friends here. I guess if there is one positive in all of this that's it, finding good friends.<P>Love,<BR>Jill

Hi Crazy or What,<BR> Is there anyway you can scrape some $ together to get some legal advice? You need to protect yourself and your kids ASAP.You are entitled to child support for those kids and a lawyer (I know it's expensive) would be so helpful to you. A one time consultation when I went was $125.....I had my questions listed so I didn't waste time($) and felt so much better getting some advice....If not can you talk to Steve Harley ($75) for some advice as to how to proceed?.....thinking of you...Lu

My H said almost exactly the same thing, that he can't help his emotions. And of course he just has to act on his emotions - my kids have used that excuse - "I had to hit my sister because she made me angry." <P>Lawyers will often not charge for the initial consultation, especially over the phone - I have talked to 4 lawyers (none of whom did I like) but I did get some free legal advice, though some of it was conflicting.<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 01, 1999).]

Jill,<BR>Up until now you have handled your situation with a tremendous amount of grace. It is only natural for you to blow up. You are devastated by what he is doing to you and your family. <BR>I don't have any answers for you on the finances. Are any of the bills in his name. If they are, he needs to pay them. He is the one that has chosen to leave, he is the one that needs to make sure that you and the kids are taken care of. I know you don't have any money for an attorney, but most places have free legal advise. You could go to them and explain your situation. They might be able to help you. I would check in the yellow pages.<BR>As far as plan B goes, I am starting it too. I told Doug that he needs to give me a schedule of when he plans on coming over for visitations. I told him that he doesn't need to call me anymore, once that is in order. It is VERY hard, I know. But you need some time to figure out what your next step is.<BR>I know what you mean about going to far, about trying so hard, about is it really worth saving after all the hurt. I am right there with you. I feel so bad for you. The lessons of life are not easy ones. Especially when you think you had it all. I wonder every day what happened to my marriage. Yes, I wasn't perfect, but I always thought that love would see us through. Boy, was I wrong.<BR>I think you need to sit down and relax (JD wine cooler??) and figure out if YOU really want this marriage. <BR>I have decided that I am tired of doing all the work, all the pleading and begging. He is the cheater. He can justify it anyway he wants, but he is the cheater. And these h's of ours are RUNNING away. <BR>I have faith the the Lord will punish them for what they have done. It is the only way I can make it through the day.<BR>Be strong, Jill. I know it is hard right now, but be strong. Lean on God, He wants to help you.<BR>You are a very special person, and you do not deserve this crap.<P>Love,<BR>Cheryl<P>

Glad you've calmed a little. Look, maybe he needed to hear the things you said to him. You've done a really good job of being supportive, welcoming and understanding. Maybe that was too comfortable for him - he NEEDS to think now. <P>As far as how much we can take - hey, that's a decision we all make day by day, sometimes minute by minute. I think you're right, Plan B might be in order. You can't love bust and he can't keep adding to the hurt he's already caused. And he gets to face real life. Not pretty by any means. <P>Yep, you've made new friends - good friends. You've been one too. We're all thinking about you and pulling for you. Just let us know whenver you need us.<P>Lori

Thank you so much everyone. I did see an attorney last week. She gave me some good advice but wants 1000.00 to start seperation procedure. Maybe him paying the house and the truck pyments are actually fair, I'm just really scared about not having enough money. We've been there before and I don't want to be there again. I'm going to call a credit counseling service tomorrow and try to reduce some of my bills way down. I guess I just paniced. I think my main problem is I can't trust him anymore for anything and the realization of that scared me to death. For 15 yrs I depended on him for support and trusted him completely and now I can no longer do that. I think that also all this time I believed he would come home. I know longer feel that way. I guess if I can't trust him I don't think I want him back home. I'm not just mad or hurt I'm finally in reality and i guess it's time to do something about it.<BR>Thank you all, Lori,Cheryl and Nellie for all of your support the past month. Thank You in advance for all of your future support as I know that I will be needing some good shoulders to lean on. You know that I'll always be here for you.<P>Love,<P>Jill

Hi Crazy,<P>Have you tried legal aid. They ussually assist people with little to no income. Just a thought. <P>Try to find them in your phone book. They are ussually listed. If you can not find it let me know what state you are in and I will at least try to find them on-line for you.<P>Hang in there. I know it is hard.