It is 9 days short of a year since my stbx decided he "would give me anything, just let him go" speech, and he's gotten so ugly and hateful.<P>I went motocrossing, had a great time, had gotten home and was relaxing and on the phone when the doorbell rang. I walked around and it was him, he said hello, opened up the door and just came on in the house. I asked him what he wanted and I'd get it for him but I didn't want him in my house. he proceeded to go through the entire house, all the while I kept telling him to get out. My friend was on the phone and witnessed everything that was said.<P>What is wrong with this guy? I've moved on... he just keeps trying to destroy me emotionally and financially. I lived 10 years with his emotional and verbal abuse, stood by in a depression while he beat on the older kid. I start to get my life smoothed out and he pushes himself back into it only to get me upset.<P>I'm so tired and the battles are just beginning. Why when he wanted out is he trying to destroy me? I'd already given up everything that mattered to me from my life, now he wants me shattered and crawling under a rock. <P>I'm glad the girls are away right now. When the doubts of being able to come out of this in a way that I can do what is right for them come up, it is horrible. <P>Lori<BR>

{{{{{Lori}}}}}<P>Are you divorced yet or not? I couldn't tell from your post. If you're not, where are you in the process? If you are, what the helI was he doing ransacking your house? Define your boundaries and stick to them. Get whoever appropriate to keep this guy away from you (assuming that's what you want). Sounds like he's jealous, big-time.<P>Nell <P>------------------<BR>One faces the future with one's past.<BR>--Pearl S. Buck

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bangarra}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I am so sorry to hear of this latest incident. The title of this thread says a lot, and unfortunately sometimes it doesn't end. You know, people often think that once they are divorced, they won't be in each other's lives anymore, and that's just not the case. Here's the thing, though. No matter who he USED to be, he no longer has any right to be in your house, looking through your stuff, harrassing you and abusing you like this. <P>What I mean, girlfriend, is that you have the right to safety in your own home--especially when he was dumb enough to leave you in the first place. Now, don't get me wrong, I know the way the verbal abuse can very quietly and slowly eat away at your self-esteem and all, but you know that you deserve to live peacefully and safely, right? Say it again! <P>Is it conceivable that you need a restraining order against him? Can you change the locks to your house? Or install a peep hole? Come on, Lori. You were brave enough to learn to stand up for yourself and protect yourself, so do it again. Do what is in Lori's best interest, and protect Lori. Okay?<P>Hugs to you tonight!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Lori:<P>I'm sorry that for what you are going through. I know how hard it is to want to move on and have someone that won't let you go. It is frightening when they come and go in your life when you least expect it.<P>I agree that you should have your locks changed and the peephole is a good idea. Don't let him in next time. I know that even though you don't want him to come in, there may be a part of you that has a hard time saying no when he comes over. But, you need to do it for your own sake.<P>I hope that eventually he will stay away. In the meantime, take care of yourself and get support from your family, friends and this site.<BR>

(((Lori))), I'm also working on saying NO to verbal abuse. I've needed a lot of support to deal with it at all, including MB, Al-Anon, a lawyer who says assertive things for me that I haven't been able to say myself, and my friends. I got a restraining order, which has really helped. Is this something that might work for you? I know how hard it is when you work on building up some self-confidence and then they trample it so easily. Sounds like you're making a new life for yourself and that's good. Be strong.

Thanks everybody for your replies.<P>I finally got my attorney to rush through a restraining order, he should be served with it today. I'm so sickened by all of this. I originally asked for one last September when he smashed into the house and knocked my daughter into the wall.<P>Went out to dinner last night and stbx called the cell, wanted to know when I would be back cause he *had* to talk to me. I said an hour or so, but that I really had nothing to say to him. I went to the neighbors behind me and was sitting there when he came to their front door. I escaped through the gate and came home and locked the doors, he followed and went back to neighbors and phoned, knew he wouldn't leave any of us alone so I finally let him in the house.<P>He had his file on the divorce and said he wanted to know if his attorney was blowing smake and was I really entitled to exclusive use of the house and had rights to ask him to leave or not. he said he was more than ready to sit down and negotiate a settlement and everything was negotiable. he told me he was going to file a civil lawsuit against me for the company in 2 weeks, again threatened me about letting the kids go out of state and violating those restraining orders (mind you, they go every year, he knew they were going, so what violation there was is beyond me). he then says he only wishes the best for me as that is in his best interest, too. Yeah, I wonder about the yo-yo effect in me, but he's downright psychotic.<P>He then asked me if I loved the guy I am now involved with. I could only look at him and say that after what was done to me, I wasn't sure I would ever be able to love someone again. I am very scared to get involved with another person, and that feeling is mutual as he is just coming out of an 8 year recovery from his divorce. I inherited a family, too, we've all known each other for quite a few years. We, and by that I mean the kids and I, are happy... we feel loved and cared for and respected for the first time in we don't know how long.<P>My stbx walked out on the family a year ago, had flings with old girlfriends throughout our marriage, added new ones when he thought he could, played all these awful games with my mind, and my ending point was in April 2001 when he played the most vicious of them all. he acted as if he wanted to reconcile, wanted to have me work with involving the kids in his life (they had shut down on him from the first few months he moved out), and then slap me down again in front of the counselor. <P>yes, i filed a restraining order on him, I don't want to see him, talk to him or have anything to do with him. I am setting up counseling with the coalition to end domestic and sexual violence for myself and the kids to learn how to deal with abusive behavior and get on with our lives. I am guilty of standing by while he beat on the older daughter, and all 3 of us were under constant mental and emotional abuse. <P>the kids have mediation in Aug, then we have a court date after that. I have no idea when the divorce will ever be final, but I am doing what I can to protect myself and the girls. He is getting more and more erratic, he has access to a lot of weapons, he's across the street 10 to 20 hours a week, and I am afraid of what he is capable of. From just wanting to walk away to completely trying to destroy me is a severe change of view. <P>I'm finished, I have to admit I tried to hold it together, sometimes not in the best of ways, but it has been a long period of growth for me. I'm learning to stand up for myself and how to work on healthy relationships rather than abusive ones.<P>I'm happy about the restraining order, it makes me feel as if I do have some sort of say in my life and not be a doormat anymore. I actually have some legal recourse to back up my peace of mind.<P>Lori <P><BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bangarra:<BR><B>He is getting more and more erratic, he has access to a lot of weapons, he's across the street 10 to 20 hours a week, and I am afraid of what he is capable of.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sad to say, you need to obtain and learn how to use weapons. And keep yourself and your children in readiness. <P>