I am finding it difficult to try and start over. I am going to call several divorce support groups that I found today. I thought that it might be good to try and see what it is all about. I still find myself lost when wanting to do something. I have never liked going to the zoo, museum, or movies alone, but I guess that is something that I will have to get used to. It still seems sureal about not going to be married anymore. It is like some kind of Alfred Hitchcock movie, like Vertigo, or the Birds. When does the nightmare end. It seems that the tunnel that I am in only seems to get darker with the light behind me getting harder to see. I have never been a very religious person but I seem to be praying alot lately. Sometimes it helps sometimes not. I still am trying to figure out what I did wrong to drive my wife away. It would be nice to know that way I can make sure that I don't repeat the same mistake(s) again if I ever decide to get involved again, which is very doughtful. Everyone on this board has been very helpful to me and I would like to thank you all.

Sonds like you are still grieving, I don't know when it stops but it does get better, I had to work hard and still do to push myself to get out and try to make new friends and enjoy being out. I still pray hard. This is a good time for you to get in touch with yourself and figure out what you do want in life. Take this time and explore the oppurtunities you have now. I don't know your story, If your wife is having an affair then it is not your fault what she chose to do. I made mistakes in my marriage but I did nothing wrong to deserve what xw did to me. take care of yourself<P>

{{{{{OAS}}}}}<P><<<B>It seems that the tunnel that I am in only seems to get darker with the light behind me getting harder to see.</B>>><P>I know that feeling so well. It's like the train's-a-coming, but I don't see the headlight. I'm told that it gets better. Try to keep that faith. Sometimes, it's all we have to heal.<P>Nell <P>------------------<BR>If I listened long enough to you<BR>I'd find a way to believe that it's all true<BR>Knowing that you lied straight faced while I cried<BR>Still I look to find a reason to believe<BR>--Rod Stewart & Tim Hardin

OAS, <P> Get the book "Mars and Venus Starting Over" by John Gray. It deals with exactly the questions you are asking. <P>It helps you "HEAL" and let go. Step by step it helps you heal your broken heart and come out on the other side a better, stronger, healthier,and very much happier "you". The book is also on tape.<P>I suggested it to a friend here on the boards he put it off for literaly "months". I finally mailed him the tapes (he said he was to busy to read anymore. With having shared custody remodeling the house and reading S/H books on helping children cope w/divorce). At ant rate...He now does feel whole again he's gotten rid of the anger he felt toward his wife(ex) and guess what....? He's now dating a lovely woman...who he crazy about!<P>Don't waste time...get and apply the book...it will be worth the effort. I wish you well. <A HREF="http://www.discovery2000_mb@hotmail.com" TARGET=_blank>www.discovery2000_mb@hotmail.com</A> if you need more encouragement. I don't come to this board very often.<P>D2K<p>[This message has been edited by Discovery2000 (edited July 16, 2001).]

You are not kidding when you say starting over is difficult. I was married for 16 years to a cop, who never had weekends off, did not have holidays off and worked evening shifts. I have always been the one to take my 2 girls to their softball games/tournaments, basketball games/tournaments, golf tournaments, band concerts, etc. I have been such a wonderful mother all those years, always putting the girls first over me. Their dad has never taken them for a weekend, only out to eat occasionally. So, for me to be by myself it was scary at first.<P>Now they are teenagers and the oldest is driving and working. I have so much freedom now, I don't know what to do with myself and I am lonely. So, I decided to do the things I used to enjoy doing, like playing coed slow pitch softball, gardening, riding bicycles and roller blading, etc. I don't smoke and I hate the bar scene, its just not for me. When I stay busy, things are easier for me because my mind relaxes and I take pride in seeing things I have accomplished. I thought my divorce was difficult because of all the head games he played with me, but I think the real heart breaker will be when my girls leave home because I am so close to them. I just take one day at a time and when I get lonely, I call or e-mail my friends and tell them I need to talk to someone. I can not rely on family, my mother, father and stepmother both live 5 1/2 hours away. My closest sibling, my brother, lives in D.C. My other 2 sisters, don't talk to me. They are white trash and live within 30 minutes of me, but they are too jealous of what I have accomplished on my own and don't talk to me. I even bought them X-mas presents and invited them for X-mas dinner, but only my 2 nephews came. They think I am a snob because I have a good job, new car and bought a house on my own (of course I work 2 jobs for everything I have). No loss on my part, but it does hurt because they are family.<BR> <BR>Now is the time to really get to know yourself and do the things you always wanted to do, but never seemed to have the time. The only person that is holding you back is yourself, get motivated and go for it. It will get easier, I know I've been there. Good luck.

Dear OAS,<P>You are so right, it is very hard starting over. I promise you, it does get better. When I was in my heaviest grieving I thought that period would never end. But it did recently. Now there are only very brief periods of that. I bounce back quicker. There is hope. Just hang on and you will see.<P>Grief is a tough and painful stage. Reach out to others in every direction. Don't isolate yourself. I liked your idea about a divorce support group. It can't hurt to try it out. <P>One book that has helped me so much is "REBUILDING: When Your Relationship Ends, by Dr. Bruce Fisher and Dr. Robert Alberti.<P>Dr. Bruce Fisher spent 25 years researching, teaching, and writing about the divorce process and related issues. His description of the 19-step process of adjustment has been accurate for me so far. He refers to the "divorce pits" as loneliness, loss of friendships, guilt & rejection, grief, anger, and letting go. After those issues are worked through, (and he shows you how,) things get so much better! <P>It's like a climb to the top where eventually, Freedom, Sexuality, Singleness, and Purpose are key rebuilding issues. He assures us that climbing that high is worth it. I'm banking on it!!<P>Just remember, It's going to get easier, It's going to get easier, It's going to get easier.<P>All the best to you as you grieve your losses.<P>hopefulheart<BR>

No, it doesn't really ever get better. In addition to the pain, which I no longer believe will ever really diminish much (it has been over two years since he left, and the pain is as bad as it was at two months), the laws of this state and this country make ensure that single custodial parents will always find it terribly difficult to support their children.<P>In my state, child support is a function of the relative incomes of both parents. Therefore, the more I earn, the less child support he has to pay. I have run the numbers under various scenarios and discovered that for every additional $1000 I earn, the children would receive $300 less child support. After taxes and various other factors too numerous to detail here, if I earned an additional $20,000, I would net a little over $4000 additional. <P>We have six children, and we will likely have at least one in college every year except two for the next 17 years. The IRS has decided that if a couple earns more than $80,000-100,000 they are too rich to qualify for the education credits. That may be reasonable. However, if you are filing head of household or single, the limit is 40,000 - 50,000. No one can tell me that a parent with children is as well off financially at $40,000 as a couple with $80,000.<P>I can't live at my current income; even as a professional with an advanced degree, I can't reasonably expect to gross enough to net enough to support my children. <P>The non-custodial parent never again has to worry about supporting his kids, because child support is always tied to his income. As long as he is not earning very much, the children and I will be living near poverty. <P>

Quite the sobering revelation, Nellie1.<BR>When I got D'ed, I was making 22,880...my XW, under 7,000. My XW figured that (using the tables, mind you...no smoke and mirrors) I'd owe her $365/month for three of the four children. (oldest is 17, and lived with me at the time) Now, I am unemployed, and she is getting more hours at her job, and nothing else has changed.<P>A year ago, I was making $42k, and we were struggling, although it was going uphill okay...then the bomb dropped, and the bottom fell out, and I would welcome the opportunity to work at the poverty level again! (Dad, you mean we get to eat meat again!) Honestly, there is not one single fair thing about this, is there?<P>Orlando...friend...I like you a lot. I have read every post that you make, and your STBX is way deep in the fog, brother. I'm coming to NM some day, I want to meet you...so start that new life, you have company coming! God bless you, OAS! -Mike

I know the tunnel feeling. I've had it for much of this past year of being separated. Now we are getting divorced (papers served today) and I think it's going to be very difficult to even want to go out to do anything other than work (which I already didn't want to do anyway).<P>I very much understand how hermits get to be hermits now. I think I'll get the Mars & Venus Starting Over book. It sounds like a positive step. <P>Good luck. My prayers are with you.

Well, I have been divorced now about 1 1/2 years. And, I wanted to tell you that it does get better than where you are now. I too was so distraught and saw no light ahead. But, if you take it day by day, minute by minute, it does get a little better.<P>There are still times that I'm lonely and depressed and long for my marriage back. At those times, I go running or read or call friends or come to this site. I also pray for peace and understanding and that always helps me feel better.<P>I think divorce support groups are a great idea. You may be able to learn things about yourself in the process and will meet some friends that you can socialize and talk with. I found it very helpful to me. But, I would advise you not to date anyone in the group. Because, there will be people in the group that will want to date (although it is usually "against the rules" for good reasons) and believe me it isn't a good idea. I learned that the hard way. Hang out with same sex friends and you will benefit from the group.<P>

Nellie1,<BR>I know what you mean by poverty level. When I left my husband, I had to pay child support. By the time I paid my rent, car note, car insurance, gas and electric, I had no money for food. I would have never gone back under any circumstance, so I just got another job. Never did this before in my life, but I got a job at a nice steakhouse waitressing, I work 3 nights a week and bring home an extra $800 - $1000 a month. Per the IRS you only have to claim 8%, and the only way the X could prove how much you make is by the credit card sales - never cash tips!!!! I work Friday & Monday evening and Sunday lunches and have been doing this for almost 2 years now with only 1 day off during the week - Saturday. Yes, I am burnt out, but I'm making it, bought my own house, have a new car and I'm even buying furniture - one piece at a time. It gets old, but I am such a happier person. I'm 37 and if I can do it anyone can. I wasn't sure at first because most of the waiters range from 18 - 27 and are going to college, paying their way. Now, I'm like the mother hen and everyone comes to me for advise. This is my stressfree job and I can cut up with the customers all the time and the love it. One day I'll get married and I won't have to pull double shifts, but for now, it is something I have to do to survive and keep the standard of living the same for my girls.

elliot45...you da'man! I know about how jobs can bring a man down, but you are working it to perfection! God is smiling at you, you really 'get it'! Your girls see that...and it makes me feel hopeful for us all! There are about half a dozen of so men here that I can think of with girls, doing the same thing. It is a most excellent male model for young women to see...very encouraging!<P>Orlando.....where are you friend? This is your thread...whassup? -Mike

I too have experience the worst. My wife of 14 years has chosen to remain with her married lover. She still denies everything even though every one knows.<P>Her problems are hers. Not yours. She must take responsibility for her actions, her thoughts, and her emotions. You can only be responsible for you. Existentally, we exist. We are the only ones that control our lives. What we think, what we do, What we say.<BR>How we react to the things that exist in our lives. Only you can control. <BR>always tell yourself. I am somebody. I am a good person.<P>I have just read Dr. Phil McGraws book. Life Stategies.<BR>Highly recommend it. also Surviving Infidelity. Both great books. Very helpful and enlightening.<P>The best of luck. May you find your true self. Only by acknowledging the problems and emotions within, can you clear the fog of your thoughts.<BR>Forgive, forget. The light you seek is there. It is within you. No one else holds that light. <P>Another good book is Jean Paul Satre's book called<BR>Existentialism and human emotion. Very deep. Not a book to read at 7:00 am. Wait till later on in the afternoon or evening. Put on some soothing music, light a candle and sit back and relax.<BR>Clearness of the conscience lies within. <BR>True emotions are only masked by the illusions, and dillusional perspectives that we have bestowed upon ourselves. Negativity overpowers good emotions. Remove them and the light of ones true positiveness is awaiting to be reborn. Like a pheonix that yearns to fly again.<P><BR>The best of luck.<BR>

Dear "waitng_for_her",<BR>I think you are a bit confused, I am not the man, I am the girls mother!!!!!! Yes, the mother works 2 jobs and even though I get child support, it is only enough to pay for groceries for a month. Both my girls are into extra curricular sports which costs a lot of money, the oldest one even has a job. Not only does their dad not attend the events, he will not contribute anything extra for equipment, fees, out of town events (hotel rooms & food), etc. Yea, I do play the male role, like mowing grass, edging, taking the car in for maintenance, changing intertubes on bicycles, etc. But you know what, I was already doing all that for 16 years, so what the heck, nothing has changed except I'm a much happier person and it is all my money and I can spend it anyway I want. If I could change one thing, it would be for my XH to take my girls just 1 weekend so I could have a break, but he won't out of spite, too bad --- he is only hurting the girls and at ages 16 & 15 they still love him, but have absolutely no respect for him.... I never talk bad about him, don't have too, kids are not stupid they see it all themselves.<P>The only thing that is hard on me is the loniness sometimes. Even though I am a nice looking, slender, athletic 37 year old, I find it hard to meet men. I think men are sometimes intimated by a confident woman. I have only dated 2 men in the 1 1/2 years I've been divorced. I'm currently dating the 2nd one, but it is very difficult with my hours, his hours, he gets his kids every other weekend and my XH never takes mine. How can I spend the night with a man without the girls thinking, "mom is going to have sex and will be back in the morning?" This has been difficult on me because I don't want to set a bad example for my girls. I'm fortunate this man understands, that for now, my girls come first and the same is with his boys, plus we live an hour apart. This is probably good because I will be able to take my time and really get to know him. This has been going on for 5 months and I'm so scared of having any feelings for him I don't know what to think, I don't ask, I just have fun and go with the flow. I think it will get easier, this dating thing is hard for me as well.