Venting:<P>Some of you may have read my earlier posts about my wife and I. Quick summary: we're married almost 8 years. Two children. She says she has changed over the last year or so, become "more herself," doesn't love me anymore - respects me, admires me, cares about me, wants to see me happy, but somehow, that doesn't add up to "love." She thinks she's not the right woman for me, that she triggers my insecurities. I think she's having a mid-life crisis: hit 40, an old friend looked her up, reminded her of the difference between her now and her at 28, she got scared, she withdrew from me and from our home (even as she is still living here) and has shut down any feelings she has for me because she's afraid that means being stuck in this place (psychicly) forever.<P>She may be having an emotional affair with the guy; I say "may be," because he might not even know. She's definitely put a lot of emotional energy into their friendship.<P>So, four months ago, she told me she wanted to separate. I've spent these months telling her and trying to show her I love her- but she tells me that makes her feel more pressured and guilty that she doesn't love me the way I do her. <P>I thought and acted upon the idea that she meant "trial separation:" live separately temporarily, figure where we want the marriage to go. Her actions show me that's not what she's talking about. We went to Retrouvaille, and have gone to counseling- me to figure out how to make the marriage work, her to understand why she needs to separate. She is buying a house for herself. She's never told me what she thinks could make the marriage work, other than her "feelings coming back."<P>If anyone else was writing this, I'd be replying "you need to get a divorce, friend, she's gone, gone, gone." But that's the objective eye that one can have on someone else's situation. I don't have that- I'm in the middle of this.<P>AND I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE. I LOVE HER AND I CAN'T IMAGINE NOT LOVING HER. THE FACT THAT SHE FEELS "SEPARATE" FROM ME IS THE GREATEST PAIN I'VE EVER FELT, AND BEING MORE SEPARATE WILL ONLY HURT MORE. BUT IF I DON'T DIVORCE HER, I'LL BE STUCK WAITING FOR HER FEELINGS TO RETURN.<P>I didn't think I had married a woman who would throw away all that is good in a marriage over transient feelings. Every one I tell this to says "that doesn't sound like her- she's changed, or is depressed, or something."<P>What the hell can I do? Divorce her and get on with my life, all the while hoping she comes to her senses and wants to remarry? Divorce her and shut the door, tear this love out of my heart by the roots? Follow my heart the way she's following hers, and refuse to do the "amicable divorce?"<P>I need a miracle every day. <p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited July 17, 2001).]

Maybe go rent <I>American Beauty</I> to get your thinking started? (not for the protagonist's objective of shagging his daughter's friend, but for his rediscovery of himself).

Dab, I know exactly how you feel. Wife had an EA/PA with co-worker and sons baseball coach (the same person). I got the I need space, I dont know what I want, I love you but Im not in love with you crap. She has finally admitted to the A. I have filed for divorce. I love her very much but she refuses to go to counselling. Refuses to want to work to save our marriage and family. I just got to the point where I was an emotional and psychlogical wreck. I hurt. I feel like a failure. My self-esteam has taken a beating. I will miss my companion, my best friend. But if the trust is gone. Youve been betrayed and the other party doesnt want to put any effort in repairing the marriage what is one to do. Being in a loveless marriage with no emotional support to some who loves another is heart breaking. Especially if you still love that person. But, you have to watch out and take care of yourself. Remember the A is not your fault. It was a CHOICE she made. She didnt have to do it. She knew it was wrong but chose to do it anyhow. I understand your pain and hurt. You need to take care of yourself and make your self happy. You cant make someone love you.

dabigtrain,<P>After reading your post, I took the time to search back on an old post of mine that I thought might help. I took the liberty of re-posting it today for you to read. The link to the post is: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/003599.html</A> <P>It might give you a different way of looking at things in your marriage right now...<P>I hope it helps!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

SoTired2000:<BR>Thanks for that excerpt; the words rang true. However, I've not been begging or pleading with her to stay. She's the one saying she feels guilty- I've just been saying I love her. It's true I'm in a bunch of pain, but I've been putting on as brave a face as I can. So, I don't really know what to do with Dr. Dobson's advice; it's pretty much what I've been doing, and she's still leaving.<P>I wish I could just be cold about it: "she's leaving, her loss, I'm getting on with my life." But I just don't feel that.

Austin, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like I am where you were. But how did you "take care of yourself and make your self happy?" Not much makes me happy right now.<P>

Maybe go rent American Beauty to get your thinking started? <P>Sisyphus, you genius!<P>