My marriage does not get any better, only worse. We are under the same roof but thats it. He wont hardly let me try to talk to him. Keeps telling me we are finished but I will be taken care of financially! We dont speak. Separate everything, though I still cook & do laundry (need to do it for myself anyway). I feel sorry for my H half the time, I can see the pain & confusion in his face. But the other half of the time he is very mean & cruel to me & blocks any attempt of mine to try & prove that I DO care about him/love him. I bought him stuff & he threw it out in the hallway on the floor. <P>He still spends much of his time talking to/confiding in this woman at work. She wont stay away from him either. In his office alot. He denies anything wrong with this! though I am pretty sure they have phoned each other even long distance when one is out of town for work. He used to be overly dependant on me & now talks to her instead. I cant take it anymore. She is using him as a substitute for her husband, since her H is gone away from home overnight alot. She told me once she was used to being alone ( I had told her How can she do that since my H & I did everything toether - stupid me. She mustve got jealous & decided to do what shes doing then.) <P>I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HE CAN MAINTAIN THIS WALL HE HAS BUILT UP AROUND HIMSELF & NOT EVER BE REMINDED OF OR THINK OF ME AT ALL?? I think of him constantly. I am reminded of him every where I go and in everything I do and I miss him & our times together desperately. There was a time he would take my hand & cutely say "Hold onto my had cause I dont want you to get lost". & times I would fool around & tease him. I lost it the other day when I went to eat ice cream & sat ALONE in the parking lot, amidst all these families & couples that were together. How can he not miss our times together. (No, Im pretty sure the woman at work is just that, they only talk at work.) But evenings, weekends, etc I am pretty sure he is NOT having those needs met by another. Most of the time he sleeps & mopes around the house lately. Like me he is probably sitting in the bookstore or at the hardware store wasting time. Arent we the sad pair. Isnt he extremely stubborn? He wont let me back into his heart. I am going crazy with the pain of it all.<P>He refuses to go to counseling jointly. I have gone for myself. Not getting much out of it though, she just lets me talk mostly. I think her true feeling is that she thinks I should leave him, though she has not said this. I will ask her if she thinks some little pills might help my emotions. He is starting to acknowledge the stress now & the Dr has referred him to a psychologist. He intends to go for himself. I hope this will do him some good & that he wont quit in anger or guilt or withhold information. <P>I still have hopes for us in the long run. I think deep deep down he does not want divorce, only for the pain & turmoil in his life to be gone. (never deals with emotions).<P>On top of this, I hate my menial clerical job. They're really starting to micromanage a select 2 or 3 of us to the extreme,starting with ME. Soon I wil barely be able to go to the bathroom without them timing me! This agency is NOT like this as a rule. Everyone else REALLY abuses the rules around here, affecting our work too. But nothing happends to them. A bunch of male sports talking slackers. I swear! The same rules should apply to everyone. <P>I had an interview for a differant job in another bldg. Pray that I get it!! Should know in the next week or so. The waiting is torture! It would put me in a different building across town with specialized job duties that require hardly any supervision. It would require travel & going for training which is something I would like & could use about now. It would also relate to what I am going to school for. <P>I cant take anymore strife, anguish, pain etc.!! I think I have suffered enough. I go from crying all day to being mad & wanting to break something. I want to crawl into a hole somewhere & wake up to find out it was all some horrible dream. I know I am not getting anything out of this relationship right now, but we live in the same house. I guess we've had sort of an in house separation these last 3 months. I want to give him time to come out of whatever fog he's in (mid life crisis ? - overwhelming job rejection, stress etc).. I hope counseling will help. I cannot begin to let go, until after that. Please think of me in your prayers - for my sanity & happiness. I want a restored marriage and that other job!<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited July 17, 2001).]

You sound just like me at the moment, but when I saw the pain in my H's face, I couldn,t live with it. Basically we talked and he said he wanted to go....I am now miserable because after a week he has decided he wants a divorce. But I got some strength today from Sotired2000, because what that message says needed to be said by me to him. Please read it. I emailed my H tonight with the message the article suggests, and believe me, I suddenly feel a LOT better. You can't go on in limbo. Also look at my story posted today. I hope it at least makes you realise you aren't alone.

clg,<P>I know it's frustrating...... but you *are* making progress. It's slow, very slow, but things are starting to happen.<P>The therapist will probably just listen for a while......they have to learn about you and your situation. But I do agree that you should ask them some things in order to draw them into interaction with you......afterall, you should know their general opinions and philosophies, their experience. The drugs can help you get through the frustrations --- won't solve the problems, but they'll make things easier.<P>I do hope you get the job.......I think getting you out of that office will make a big difference for you. But why did you stop at just one interview? Why don't you go ahead and apply for other jobs? Maybe there's something better out there....but you'll never know unless you look and try --- certainly better than just sitting around.<P>If he doesn't want you doing things for him....then don't. Or is he still sneaking back and using the things anyway?<P>I believe you once mentioned that your's is an inter-cultural marriage (?). How does his culture deal with separation and divorce? Education in this area may help.<P>And he's actually looking at getting some help!!! That's incredible! It's wonderful! [Now, this is something to be thankful for....and to pray that he does go and gets the help that is needed.]<P>I really think that you are starting to head in the right direction. It feels like you're taking excruciatingly small baby steps.....but every tiny step is progress.<P>Don't give up.<P>~Amy

I have been in a very similar place to what you've described. It's not pretty and it's not fun! I've done a lot of soul searching this entire year and a good part of last year, feeling for the longest time that I was stuck in a bad spot and couldn't even move. I too have an expectation/desire to find marital satisfaction with my H. It just isn't there, and maybe it never will be. I've had to grieve for the loss of my marriage, and we're under the same roof still. <P>The hard part for me to swallow when things get worse is that I contributed just as heavily to a dysfunctional marriage as he did. Ok, I'm lying. He's the heavier contributor! Really, he is! I'm just trying to get out of the habit of blaming him for my unhappiness. <P>CLG, in your quest for happiness, remember that it all starts with you. Make some new friends, develop new interests, something, anything, that will bring changes into your life. Knock that H of yours down a peg or two, and put yourself at the top of your list of priorities! If you and your H aren't talking much, you can at least get your conversation needs met elsewhere. Self care rules. Start with a bubble bath. It might seem like a frivolous suggestion, but I had some amazing revelations during mine last Saturday (seven months into my "regimen"). It'll take time. Hang in there and good luck with the job search.

My prayers are with you! Have you tried backing off a little and ignoring him? I know you are thinking about him 24/7, but just try to not be home when he gets home from work and when you are both home, don't follow him around and try to talk to him. I have found the more withdrawn I get, the more I see "him" coming out of his cave. I can't say for sure it will work because I have just started taking this advise. But every step is worth taking if you want to save your marriage.<P>

Long vent. This is a very BADF time for me. Why whole world has gone to sh@#. Whats next - my health?? Current job situation awful. Theyre trying to build up a case to fire me I think. I have to watch every action now. god I hope I get that other job!!<P>I will probably start antidepressants for a while (situational depression). I cant stop thinking about him & the woman at work. I know in my gut he phones her when out of town, when he used to phone me & tell me sweet dreams etc. She is using him as a substitute for her husband since he is out of town alot. I try avoiding him. Dont go near him much at work. Go to gym & stores in pm. But he has started to look frustrated that I am not where he knows lately. Went to dinner with woman from work & he was asking her about it.<P>This pm I came home from store & he starts in on me about my job. That I have a confrontational attitude. ME!! Look whos talking!! Said he changed his attitude but when I reminded him hed like to see his supervisor drop dead he says he still wishes that! He asks me what my "shrink" says. He must be convinced Ive told her so much all about him. Actually enough as the source of my pain & all his game playing & hurtful spiteful things & how it relates to my inability to cope, but not so much as he is paranoidn about. So what! What does he care anyway!<P>I try to go in other room He follows me. Again with the I have to let him go, he wants a divorce. I had said nothing when he approached me saying we had to make a list of who wants what!He says "talk" but all he does is yell in my face & point the finger at me. I said I understand english & for him to do what ever he wants & leave me alone. I said he will never have my approval or blessing for this! It almost seems that what he wants. He picks fights & grabs & hides my wallet or car keys to where I cannot get out of the house & continues on saying the same thing over & over. <P>I am dying inside. I have no family - no parents, grandparents in lwas etc & was an only child. I only have 1 or 2 true friends I can talk to & theyre getting burned out.<BR>I see couples out eating ice cream & lose in when in the car by myself. That used to be us.<P>This was all of a sudden in end of April it started & thoug I see waffling he will not admit it to me. Its like he wants to punish me. I told him I cant believe he could be so hateful or why does he hate me. He says he doesnt.<P>I dont even recognize the words he speaks half the time. Someone else is putting words in his mouth. I think it must be her. I asked him if he called her last night from out of town when he didnt call me. Of course denial, then he says so what if he phones "a friend". I said I know what friend.<BR>Told him her H is always gone & she is using him. He says he knows who her H works with & he is at home (bull). She told me when we were friends hes never home. I told him this & he says "Shes a liar" ?? <BR>At this point I want revenge. She wont back off my husband. If she rejected him, We might stand a chance at civil conversation!! Shes putting ideas in his head. What the heck she has to gain, I dont know. I doubt shed leave her rich Husband & son. Though I guess it boosts her ego knowing she can steal someone elses husband!! Well I just may tell her H a thing or 2 some day! She can put that bee in her bonnet!<P>I cannot turn off these thoughts. They are there always. I think about nothing else. I have lost it crying in private several times, to where Ive gotten sick. He doesnt care im sure. In the beginning he said "crocodile tears"<P>I know you must be saying why stay? I dont know. I cannot make the break. I know him more than himself. Stress made him snap. He admits "something snapped". He is going to a psychologist for himself & chest pain (from stress). Not anything for our marriage. He adamantly refuses joint counseling. I have told him they dont blame, or force us together, that they may even recommend divorce! But he wont go. I really feel like I need time to process all this. I need to understand how all this could happen. Really, besides cursing at him (not in last 4 months) when he was verbally abusive to me, I did nothing else. I worked a full time job & attended college 7 credit hrs in evening. No bars, no parties, no being out alone, no drugs, drinking, no men friends. NOTHING!!<P>I am dying inside. My therapist said not to get in discussion of us since he has appt. scheduled. But he dragged me into it when I walked in the door. Follows me all over the house & when I said I cannot deal with this now & wanted to go out a while he took my keys & would not return them. I am tired of being dragged thru hell. I wonder if he'll attend his appointment or run out in anger the minute they ask a question.? <P>He is not allowing me enough time. I feel coerced into doing something I dont want to do & am not ready to do yet.<BR>I have nowhere to go & no one who cares. AARGH. I am having a BAD day. I cant cope at work. But if I take leave time Im sure theyd find an excuse to fire me! My H just makes it worse. I talked to him that evening & he just argued with me, told me how wrong I was etc. This from the person whod like to see them dead for what theyve done to him!!<P>He went out. Probably checking in with her over what to do next. You see when he talks to his male friends its in another language. If hes speaking enlgish, its only 1 male friend of his, or a telemarketer or HER. He is unable to deny it. I told him hes addicted to her. <P>Ill shut up for now. Im rambling. Im going to bed. God help me!! I am so overwhelmed with no suppport besides my therapist. Do you think if I try to totally avoind him it would help? Therapist says no, that thats behaving no better than him. That I need to confront things. The question I have no answers to are What am I getting out of this relationship, What are the pros, What are the Cons? I cant find a positive response. HELP!!

I am sorrythat you are where you are...it is a very dangerous place...your Giver is out of gas, and your Taker is in the wings...unless you get a grip, you will get resentful, and that will kill any chance at positive change.<P>Get out your Bible...God is the only one to help you...quit crying out about your situation...no, there is no equity in the world as a rule...learn to be content where you are. No one is going to 'rescue' you here...that's totally on you...give it to God...now. Lay on the floor, and let it all out...give it to God, please. You are powerless. He is omnipotent...you do not know...he is omniscient. You cannot save your marriage...he can.<P>I will pray for you. -Mike

I 2nd that. LET GO AND LET GOD. L

I 2nd ppl's 2nd. You have an opportunity to carve a better future. I know it's hard to humble yourself to the point that you give thanks for this difficult time. No one really *wants* such difficulties, but they intrude and provide a potential for personal and spiritual growth. Placing faith in a higher power has provided tremendous benefits for me. That is my wish for you too. Be encouraged! The Boundaries book by Townsend and Cloud speaks about "God's work" and "our work". I'm a bit fuzzy on what's in my department, but keep trying, never give up, and you will emerge as a better person. Put your spiritual health at the top of your priority list.