This whole weekend and week have been lonely:<BR>on Friday we both felt a little blah, so we just watched TV; on Saturday we went to a movie (one I picked, so I at least enjoyed it!) but we spent no "undivided attention" time together ; on Sunday we went bowling and I bowled a 120 (celebrate!!), but once again, no "undivided attention" time; and last night he worked late at a customer's site, came home late, and then worked on his bookkeeping all night--until 1am. I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me, I'm so lonely. I hate it. I just feel<BR>like I would do almost anything to be exciting and interesting and stunning and ... (sigh).<P>So I'm sorry to say I am in a real bummy place right now. I am standing by my decision to "lay back" and see what will happen. I'm not nagging, I'm not reminding, and I'm not encouraging or discouraging anything. But what is ripping the guts out of me right now is that the minute I "let up", he stops all work on the relationship. It's not<BR>important to him AT ALL, and if he had his way, we would be roommates who have regular sex. No connecting, no emotion, no romance, no nothing. I don't think I mean anything to him. He just ignores me so that I feel like I could disappear and he would never notice.<P>BTW, please no "feeler/thinker" lectures. Not today.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

(((((CJ)))))<P>Not a woman of many words today, I'm afraid...<P>But I do care!! And yes, I remember those days of "surrounded by people but all alone" ~~especially when one of those people is your H.

CJ,<P>don't worry, its only me. .. . listen, withdrawal takes alot of time, be patient, . . . I know you are well, its your H that is healing slowly, and getting better. he will come around, but it is slowly. <P>Asking questions to him is the best way to get him to open up, it will be slow, painful, but it will subside in time, and you have to do the together activities, or else you will lose the progress you have made, as small as it feels, <oops, as small as it is><P>its like a teenager, i think, you need to ask questions to show you are concerned, and care, and later they come around, but right now they are in their own growth period where the internal processing is occurring, where you can't see it. . . . <P>hold the course, it will take awhile, and make sure you take vacations when you can, have you ever tried an RV trip? to a far away place? subscribe to smarterliving.com for airfare deals, from denver, maybe a quick weekend get away is possible, if you can arrange ahead of time tween care on short notice, and hotel rooms as soon as you get agreement.<P>time alone with new stuff is always good to revive the spirit.<P>hang tough, it tougher than you think but if it doesn't kill you, you will be even stronger for it.<P>sWIFTTy

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'm sorry you are having such a tough way to go these days. I've been wondering how you were doing. <P>Life has been pretty draining for me lately. I've cried until I don't feel like I have any tears left. My stuff. And a friend misunderstood something. And says she wants to dump me for good. But, I digress.<P>So, back to tending you.<P>I love you, CJ, and I'm sorry for all this stuff. Are YOU still seeing YOUR counselor?

Yes, I'm still seeing my counselor. In a wierd way, I am doing quite well personally. I'm just so damn lonely that it hurts. <P>I think tonight I'll go to bed early.<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

(((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))<P>Girlfriend,<P>You have chosen such a tough road, I know, I've been there. Maybe when you're getting into the "lonely" times, you can take a little CJ time? Maybe grab a couple of girlfriends for some shopping therapy or lunch out...I know through some of my darkest hours it was my group of girlfriends that took my mind off my miseries.<P>You've got lots of support here, lean on it <P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>I am woman...hear me roar...okay - meow...okay - purr? Hey, I'm working on it.

((((((((((CJ)))))))))))<P>Allow me to offer two different psalms for you:<P>1. May it be Your will, O Lord, that I lie down with calm serenity and rise up in peace. Let me not become confused or distressed by bad dreams or unpleasant thoughts. May all of my loved ones receive Your enduring protective care.<P>Guardian of Israel, who neither slumbers nor sleeps, I ask You to watch over me. Grant me a night of restful sleep. May I awake in the morning refreshed and strengthened to face the new day.<P>"I sought the Lord and He answered me, and delivered me from all my fears."<P><BR>2. Almighty G-d, in Your hand is the soul of every living thing. I turn to You for strength and guidance. Give me patience and faith; Let not despair overwhelm me. Renew my trust in Your mercy and bless the efforts of all who are helping me. Grant me Your blessing of healing so that in vigor of body and mind I may return to a life of helping others.<P><BR>I hope you find strength in these words, CJ.<P>Have a good evening and sleep well <BR>

((((((((((((((((((((CJ))))))))))))))))))))<P>Words are hard to come by for me right now. I understand all too well. Things will improve.<P>You, as always, are in my thoughts.

pssssst....have you called Steve yet???<P>If it was time to call him a month or so ago, I'd say it is really time to call him now...<P>Have you thought about getting away for the weekend with no kids or telephone?<P>WIFT is right....just hold the course and keep us posted<P>Bill

{{{{{{{CJ}}}}}}}}<P>--------> PEDAL !!!!<P>Tex.

CJ,<P>A question... I haven't been here in a while but do lurk every now and then. As I read your posts, I often notice the mention of work as it relates to either you and he, or both of you together. I know it probably isn't possible, but if it were, do you think that maybe not working together might help your relationship?<P>I remember back when my wife and I were starting our own company. I thought it would be great - the two of us working together. Boy was I wrong. Work became so entwined in our lives, there was no separating personal life from work life. For me it was OK since being a "male" I felt that any time we spent together was worth the effort - even if we were working (I think I can say here that most men have a hard time discerning between "quality time" together and regular time together). My wife on the other hand expected quality time in which no work was ever discussed.<P>When she used to confront me about not doing things together I could not understand - here we just spent the past 5 days doing things together (work) and she wanted more?<P>My point is - work is work. The one thing I am so thankful for from my divorce is that I learned a VERY important lesson (and I thank my counselor for helping me get to it) - that is that work is only a "means" to be happy. It is not "why" we are here. Once work takes on a priority in our lives, we begin the "someday" philosophy of life - "someday when we are rich" "someday when we retire" "someday when we have enough money" - But guess what? Someday never comes.<P>One thing I wish more than anything is for my wife to see how much I have changed in this respect. That work is no longer the most important part of my life - in actuality it is now about number 3 or 4. Does that mean I am any less successful? No. It means that when I am not working - I am not thinking about working.<P>I now realize that trying to work together with my wife was probably one of the worst things we could have done. For the time that we did, we lost "us" to the business....<P>Again I only bring this up because of the times you mention work in your posts. Could it be possible that since you spend time with your husband "working", he misunderstands that as "time together"? Maybe by separating from the business, while it may be more difficult financially, it may help your marriage?<P>I'll tell you one thing - From where I stand now, I would much rather be married and poor, than rich and divorced. If I had the chance to go back, I would now be more than willing to let all the material items (including the business) in my life go, if that was what it took to keep us together.<P>Just a thought for you.....<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))<P>Guess what, you and I are on 2 different paths in a way right now, you're trying to save your marriage, I'm just trying to determine if I should stay or go in my relationship, but recovering just the same.<P>I can relate to all of what you've said, and I have been very lonely too. It's very frusterating.<P>It's hard to want someone to wake up and notice , yet they just don't pay enough attention. <P>I'm here if you want to talk, you know where to find me,<BR>hugs, Dana<P><BR>

((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))<P>Guess what, you and I are on 2 different paths in a way right now, you're trying to save your marriage, I'm just trying to determine if I should stay or go in my relationship, but recovering just the same.<P>I can relate to all of what you've said, and I have been very lonely too. It's very frusterating.<P>It's hard to want someone to wake up and notice , yet they just don't pay enough attention. <P>I'm here if you want to talk, you know where to find me,<BR>hugs, Dana<P><BR>

Hi CJ.<P>I truly understand the pain you feel. I too am in a situation. I sometimes get so lost and lonely trying to make up for past sins and feel totally alone. I try and talk to my W and patiently wait for her to see the changes I have made in my life to better myself as a person, husband, and father. But hopefully patience is a virtue as I am very very confident that she will see the positive changes, give me feedback, and join with me to grow as a couple. But until then, I will endure the loneliness and fight off the death that is inside me.<P>I too pray for you and hope that the two of you join together for hapiness.<P>

I think the loneliness is so hard! The empty feeling even when you are with your H. It is so sad to think the world is such a lonely place. I feel for you. I too am trying to save my marriage and the loneliness is getting to me. I think we have to find a happy place somewhere and go there as often as possible. If nothing but to save our sanity and regain the strength to go on.<P>

From M. Scott Peck's <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684847248/qid=995504545/sr=2-2/ref=aps_sr_b_1_2/102-0622518-0261703" TARGET=_blank>The Road Less Traveled</A>:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Life is difficult.<P>This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.<BR>...<BR>What makes life difficult is that the process of confronting and solving problems is a painful one. Problems, depending upon their nature, evoke in us frustration or grief or sadness or loneliness or guilt or regret or anger or fear or anxiety or anguish or despair. These are uncomfortable feelings, often very uncomfortable, often as painful as any kind of physical pain, sometimes equaling the very worst kind of physical pain. Indeed, it is <I>because</I> of the pain that events or conflicts engender in us that we call them problems. And since life poses an endless series of problems, life is always difficult and is full of pain as well as joy.<P>Yet it is in this whole process of meeting and solving problems that life has its meaning. Problems are the cutting edge that distinguishes between success and failure. Problems call forth our courage and our wisdom; indeed, they create our courage and our wisdom. It is only because of problems that we grow mentally and spiritually. When we desire to encourage the growth of the human spirit, we challenge and encourage the human capacity to solve problems, just as in school we deliberately set problems for our children to solve. It is through the pain of confronting and resolving problems that we learn. As Benjamin Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." It is for this reason that wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have seen the truth of all this in my own life. It helps with my attitude, but it doesn't lessen the pain. And what is most discouraging is the constant question of whether the problem at hand will <I>ever</I> be resolved, and thus whether there is really any point to my continued suffering. Sometimes I feel like I have already learned the relevant lesson, so can't we please stop the pain now? But I am not the only one with lessons to learn, and so I must learn patience yet again...and again...never knowing whether the journey is all I will ever see in this life, with home always a dream away.<P>But...I like <I>who</I> I am, loneliness and all. <P>All this to say, maybe I understand a little, and...hang in there, CJ!<P>{{{{{{{{ CJ<BR>

Feeling yucky today, but here's my little contribution:<P>"God, I have learned patience now. Could you please stop bringing events into my life that require patience? I would like to learn about abundance now. Thanks! --CJ"<P> <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I know the Ambassador is not the kind of companion you most crave but please call upon that resource as often as you need.<P>I would hug you myself. Sit on the porch swing. Go for a walk. Enjoy life with you. but I am here and you are there. <P>But you are in my heart.<P><B>(((((((((((((((((((((((((CJ)))))))))))))))))))))))))</B><P>-Jane-Elise

Yes I feel we are all so lonely, the BS. I feel like at times that my husband is analyzing me too much. I don't see the smile and the happyiness he used to have. Everything has to be so sincere now. He is the WS, who is still in contact with the OW. Life is lonely, and we are here fighting for some control in our lives. It seems the WS has all the control, and is using it very wickedly on their BS. To show who is in control and it is not going to change, even with counseling with Jennifer Harley. God created humans to have mates, friends, and spouses. The WS seems to have Satan in their hearts, controlling every aspect of their lives, as well as their families lives. <P>Loneliness creates depression, which can create suicide for some. That is why counseling is so important, with the right counselor. I wish myself and my H were counseling with Jennifer Harley together. But he has not got rid of the other woman, therefore, Jennifer and I do the counseling without him. That is another form of loneliness. But it seems H does not see that as loneliness, just control.