My story is a long one but I will try to make it brief:<P>I am 4 weeks from my 8-year anniversary. My husband and I both work and do not have children. Up until January of this year, we had never had a moment where I thought my marriage was in trouble. Sure we had disagreements and arguments, but I never really thought my husband was unhappy. We share common goals, values, work habits, cleaning habits, sports, hobbies, family & friends. I thought we were soul mates from the day I met him 10 years ago. In February I found out he was having an affair(she is married as well and has two children). He told me it was purely a good friendship and that nothing physical had happened. He told me she listened to him and filled in what was missing in his life. As time went on I found that to be very untrue and worse yet, it had not ended. I have spent 7 months changing my self, trying to be a better person for him. He would have periods of time where he would tell me how sorry he was for everything he has done and how much he loved me and wanted our marriage to work. Then out of the blue (not argument induced) he would just turn and say he didn't mean what he said, he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. He has done this reversal about 10 times in 7 months. I have spent all 7 months trying to keep my marriage together. I do love him and I was willing to do what ever it took to make it work. About 3 weeks ago, I left. He was in his withdrawn mode and I couldn't take any more so I left him a note and left. Not even a day later he called me and asked me to come home. I went home and we talked. He then spent almost two weeks convincing me he loved me and that he was going to make it work. He gave me 100% of his time and affection. He would hold me tight and get teary eyed and tell me he was going to do what ever it took to prove to me he was being sincere. Then I found "her" number in his cell phone. She had called him the day before. I confronted him and he made up some stupid lie about why she called. I later found out he actually called her and she was returning his call. I also found out he had lied to her and said how it was terrible in our home and all we were doing was fighting. In reality it had been the best two weeks we had, had in a very long time. Again I confronted him with his lie; he now has completely withdrawn. He says he doesn't know if he loves me and that he isn't sure he knows how he is supposed to feel after 8 years. He swears he has ended the affair, but I can't be sure with his recent mood. I am wondering how I could have been with this man for 10+ years and never known him. I say this because the man in my home right now is a stranger! He is either angry and mean or completely withdrawn most of the time. The harder I try and nicer I am, the worse it gets? I find myself wondering if I have spent the last 10 years with my eyes shut?<P>I have now withdrawn from him. I can't take the emotional roller coaster any more. I can't eat, I don't sleep and my job has suffered. The problem is in my heart; I still love him and want it to work. Is it time to give up?<P>

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<BR>

I feel for you, I really do, and there are certain similarities between your story and mine. I know how hard you must be struggling with the OW,and his withdrawal and roller-coaster emotions. My husband left 12 days ago because he wasn't happy, and says he never was. It has taken me until today to realise there is an OW there somewhere, because all the red flags have finally added up (and he had an affair before, so I know what I'm looking for). For example, I hadn't checked his cell for ages, and just before he left, he was keeping with him all the time. That and deoderant in his briefcase tells me there is someone, probably from work. <P>Well, it's early days for me but even before he left, I had decided that if he didn't want to be here, it was harder than trying to keep him. He was so miserable at the end he couldn't even look at me. That is so hard to take, but even though I'm miserable now, and still going in circles of hope and despair, I think it's going to be okay, whatever happens. I know you can't make someone love you...he knew from the last time that he couldn't have his cake and eat it too, it's just that this time he chose OW.<P>I guess I'm not being that much help to you, just venting, I suppose. But you have to be strong, and not be a doormat here...I think it's easier said than done, but if you set up some boundaries to protect yourself, it's gotta be better than what's happening now.

Dear Eyes_Wide_Shut,<P>First of all, I understand your pain and wish it would go away. I am going through a similar situation in my life, too. November 12th would have been our seventh year anniversary. It looks like our divorce will be final around that time. I can't really tell you what to do. You will have to take your own decisions and shape your future. However, I can tell you what I've been through. Hopefully this will help you understand that you are not alone out there. A lots of other couples are experiencing the same pain as you do. <BR>My wife and I got separated on June 15. She just decided, that she wasn't happy in our relationship and wanted to get away from me to find herself and her happines. Two and a half weeks later I found out that she has started seeing my best friend from work. I was crushed. In the beginning, I din't know what to do. I was hoping that this was just a nightmare and I'll be waking up soon. But that didn't happen. So then, I started blaming myself for everything. I got depressed, I didn't eat and lost about 15 lbs. Nighttime was the worst time. During the day, I tried to hang around people from work or friends, trying to take my mind off of her. But at night, things changed. Staying alone in the bed, trying to get some sleep were almost impossible for the first three weeks. Then one night I went over to my former best friends house to talk about the immoral situation him and my wife are creating. When I got there I found my wife's car in the driveway. I went around the back, looked inside to see my wife and him making out on the livingroom floor. I looked at my wife and saw her eyes filled with joy and happines. It was a look I have not seen in a long time. I just suddenly realized she was in love. Then the weirdest thing happened to me. I suddenly felt at peace with myself. Something just clicked in my head and I realized there is nothing I can do at this point to bring her back. She already made up her mind and I wasn't in it. That is when I decided to move on. Next day I got the divorce papers. Bottom line is, if your spouse is not willing to work on the relationship, you can't fix it alone. Just put everything behind and move ahead. I would be lying to you if I'd say that I gave up all my hopes of ever beeing together with her. No, I just put them on the backburner for now. Maybe as time passes by, she'll realize that she made a mistake and she'll come back to me. I just don't know if I'll be ever able to take her back. What is the garanty she won't do it again? She would really have to convince me that she is in love with me and is ready to start everything all over again. On the other hand, i might be with someone else by then. Who knows?<BR>Bottom line is that right now I am only worried about myself. I surround myself with people with positive attitudes and people who care about me. That seems to be helping. I am trying not to think about my wife and trying not to guess what are they doing when they are together. I am just focusing on the fact, that when this will all end I will be a better, stronger person. I know there is somebody out there who will see that and appreciate it better than my current wife did it.<P>Sorry if I took up too much of your time. I hope my post helped you somewhat. It might not seemes like it now, but there is a brighter future out there for you. Be strong, have faith and you'll make it through.<P>Cheers,<P>A<P>PS. Here is my e-mail address, in case you feel to write and vent your thoughts:<BR>travel.nuts@gte.net

Eyes:<P>Maybe I can share my experience. I am new to posting on MB but have been on here for a month or so looking around. <P>I come from the view as being an ex-WS. I have cheated on my W and have come to realize what a big-freaking mistake I made. In addition I was a workaholic and totally absorbed in anything and everything but my family. <P>As I read your painful posting here I truly feel for you and your situation and as you said in the end of your posting, the man in your house is a stranger. However if there is anything you learn on MB is that you cannot control him or his actions. Only he can. You can work on you and make decisions for you and only you.<P>There are things and issues he is dealing with that you cannot control and the more pressure you put on him, the more he will pull away (take it from someone who knows and has been there). He is the only one that can change his actions. If he is pulling away, you might just need to let him. But first and formost, you need to decide what YOU WANT. If you want to hang around for him - then do it ... or if you are not willing to wait for him, then make that decision too. Or third, you can wait and see what happens and let him make the decision for you.<P>However, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. You are you and he married you for what you are... Check out the book SURVING AN AFFAIR. I was lucky, my W hung around for me to come to my senses. She had no reason to wait - but thank God she did.<P>All my best to you...