I don't know where to start. I was horrible in my marriage. I was unfaithful and self absorbed. (Hows that for starters?). Several months ago, I found the light. I remembered why I love my W. I see the little nuances that set my heart sizzling again (it may be a little sizzle but it is a sizzle nonetheless).<P>She has been a rock - she has hung in there and been there when most others would have packed and disappeared. <P>So, you are asking what is the problem?... Well in all, I sometimes get very frustrated. I have been making changes. I have learned what I have done wrong and am trying to right it. But the problem is that I have over 13 years of bad habits that she has put up with to change. and that change is not happenin in 4-6 months. I know that good intentions are like opinions - everyone has a bunch - but I have demonstrated the ability and willingness to change - but sometimes I revert to very old and bad habits - by being selfish and self absorbed. But once I am told about it or realize it myself ... I try and make current ammends and try not to do it again - - I know !!!! there are a bunch of "I try" in this...<P>She gave me a list of things that she needs in order to start healing... Time and dedicated attention are #1 and then there are others. In the last couple of months I have gone from giving her no time to 1-3 hours every night or two and some good time on the weekends. I have learned that this time is valuable and I WAS A FOOL for not seeing how much fun this time is (yes fun even when we argue - because at least we are talking - and I enjoy her time). At times I have confused dedicated time with family time - but I look at the family time as time with her too because I NEVER DID THE FAMILY TIME EITHER. But I know her craving for dedicated time with me. <P>I want so deperatly (sp) to take her in my arms and put her on a throne and make her the "Queen of Patience". But I need her to understand that I cannot erase the past, but can only work on the future. If she lets me. I am lost at trying to understand that she wants to be with me and keep the marriage working - and she has seen some of the changes in me, but because I falter sometimes or am depressed at the situation sometimes, she looks at it that I am not trying anymore or am not willing to meet her needs.<P>I would love to meet her needs and am trying but sometimes get lost and need to be re-directed. I know I am 30something (almost 40 something) and shouldn't get lost, but I do. How do I tell her that even though she has waited all this time that I sometimes need help and direction? <P>I have read posts on here for the last couple of weeks (sorry about being such a voyer) but it has taken me this long to formulate my quandry into these ramblings.<P>Thanks to you all....<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by HowlingAlone (edited July 18, 2001).]

First off, welcome to the board, Howling. I take it your wife is still working on the marriage and not gone into withdrawal herself? What if you explained to her how you are really trying but sometimes fall back into your old habits? You could establish a sort of code message she could use to direct you back on track, something that might even have humor as part of it to diffuse the situation. That way there wouldn't be any love busting involved but you would still get the point. Something like "I can see you bouncing in the dust, sweetie" You know what I mean?

First of all welcome, please know that we are here to help. Most of us here are the ones who were cheated on, so we may be sort of opionated in this area, but please read every word.<P>tick-tock tick-tock The clock is running what are you going to do?<P>First off, stop making any and all excuses, and SHOW her. Show her every minute of every day how much you appreciate and love her. I presume that your work has kept you from your family, STOP IT!!!!!!! You are losing time with your family that can never ever be replaced, especially by materialistic items. I'd much rather be poor and happily married than rich and divorced.<P>Your selfish and self absorbed - STOP IT!!!!!!!!<P>You revert to old habits - STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>You've surely heard the old story of a little boy who says it hurts everytime I put my finger in my eye. THEN STOP IT!!!!!!!<P>It's obvious that you are able to see the damage and destruction that bad behaviours have caused. Now I ask you WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?????<P>No one needs to remind you or re-direct you. You know exactly what you need to do. If she made you a list, FOLLOW IT. Take responsibility for your actions, I'm not talking about the past, right now.<P>Get marital and individual counseling. Get involved with a church. Re-prioritize you life. Man, I truly hope that you are not to late. But fact of the matter is you can only control yourself and it's time for you to start.<P>I truly feel for you and pray that everything works out for you.<P>Bill<P>

Thanks for the kick in the A@@ Bill. That is what I need. You are right on most accounts that I just need to DO IT and not whine about it. I get so wrapped up in "is it right to this or that" and ought to just Do It. Thanks.

Hi Howlingalone:<P>I am very proud of you for taking that "one big step". That is to realize you have made some mistakes in life and are taking steps to make yourself a better person. I am in your reverse situation and I am trying to be as strong as your w. (Not so easy). I just wanted to comment on the reverting back topic. It took you almost 40 years to become the person you were, it certainly will take time to change that. Can I suggest you get yourself a journal. Take notes on your days, when you are happy, sad, depressed, elated. Take notes on what transpired before the mood swing, during and after. This may help you to realize what is "causing" you to revert back to your old habits. It also may help you realize when you do revert what you can do to bring yourself out of it. <P>Good luck! Your w is a good woman for making it through this. Go give her a big hug and tell her so!

You are displaying a great deal of character, as if your W. Like you were told above, no excuses...are you wanting to see how far she will follow...not much further, I suspect, so quit trying, and learn to be....how?<P>1. Realize that God is in charge of your life...wuit trying to control anything. If you attempt to battle this a war of self-control, or will...you will continue to fail...and lose in the end.<P>2. Pride is your enemy....boastful, and wounded. It causes anger, and withdrawal.<P>3. You must honor your wife, cherish her, and all of that. There is no admonition to put her on a throne, or pedestal. This is still the real world. There is a doable middle ground, but you must stay reality based here. Fantasy looks good to all, but it ultimately not doable, or sustainable.<P>4. Learn how to communicate in her language...most likely emotionally. Listem to her talk...do not try to 'fix' everything, just tell her you understand how she feels, and then show her that. How?<BR> -Let's say she is upset about work...not getting recognition...your inclination is to say, you tell them that you are valuable...etc. This is not what she is looking for....try<BR> -I know how that must make you feel...used and worthless. I'm sorry for that...you are valuable to me, and if they can't see that, then they are wrong.<P>The difference is that you are connecting to how she feels, and validating it. The other way merely states that her feelings are not valid...just fix it, and be done with it...not attractive to her.<P>IMHO.<P>God bless you, you are a great man for doing this...and a great husband, too....the past is over...the future uncertain...but the present is here, available to you, and yours to do with as you please...it should please you to please her. Go do that. -Mike