A constant theme I see over and over on this forum is a spouse (male or female) that lacks "desire" in the marriage but is interested in some form of sex whether it be through the Internet, pornography, strip clubs, masterbation, or lack of attractiveness to the spouse. Usually the spouse is non-communicative surrounding this issue and reports that everything is "fine" in this area.<P>I just don't, for the life of me, get it. And I do not believe that this type of distant behavior necessarily means that an affair, emotional or otherwise is going on. <P>So tell me, why do you think that a spouse avoids sex in the marriage, but finds some form of outlet otherwise? I'd really like to know.

Some reasons I stumbled across could have to do with emotional immaturity... ever stand back and try to look objectively at a spouse like this and realize you're looking at someone who is behaving like a teenager? Not to say that we don't need to examine our own behavior as well, nobody is perfect, but some find/seek a path toward growth and others stay contently mired in habits of their youth? <P>Also, and this goes hand in hand with the lack of emotional growth, this person may be afraid to show thier "true self" to their spouse... since they haven't grown and don't "get" the concept of a committed relationship, of sharing a life together, of being close to each other in all ways... sexually and emotionally, it's like they have to hide something. Instead of taking a chance and learning to love and allowing themselves to be loved and mature, they stay locked in their safe hidden little world all of their own.<P>I also see a sense of defiance, a need to remain separate and individual instead of an equal partner with equal responsibilities to the relationship and to their spouse. <P>Just some of my own undeveloped thoughts, of course coming up with a reason doesn't make it any better. The distant spouse won't possibly understand these concepts because they don't feel something "missing".<P>Any comments, this is just an opinion based on my own experience.<p>[This message has been edited by yy (edited May 05, 1999).]

YY,<P>You really touched a nerve with that response and I really appreciate it. I hadn't really stopped to think about the emotional development, but now that you mention it, it does seem like a juvenile type of behavior characterized by defiance and self-centeredness. I really have to put more thought into this one, but I believe that we can all be affected by lack of emotional development which leads us into a flawed philisophical view of the world. As a result, we build walls to protect our own feelingssa and self interests resulting in missed opportunities to grow and experience life on a different emotional level.<P>I further believe that children growing up in broken or abusive homes are at much greater risk along with children of alcoholics or addicts. But, I'll have to table that for now.<P>If you have more insights on this subject, please share and thanks.

yy said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Instead of taking a chance and learning to love and allowing themselves to be loved and mature, they stay locked in their safe hidden little world all of their own.<P>I also see a sense of defiance, a need to remain separate and individual instead of an equal partner with equal responsibilities to the relationship and to their spouse.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P><BR>This is very close to the theory that is developed in the book "False Intimacy; Understanding the Struggle of Sexual Addiction." It may seem a big step to label some of this behavior as addiction, but, as they say, "if the shoe fits."<P>The major premise in this book is the overall avoidance of pain. The problem gets doubly bad when we selfishly develop our own plans for avoiding this pain. The end result is that we exchange true, God-given intimacy for the false intimacy of pornography, etc. True intimacy means that we will need to confront and overcome some difficults times and some pain, but the reward of having a truly intimate relationship with someone makes the effort very worthwhile.<P>The remendy then is to stop thinking we can fix everything ourselves. We can't. We need God and the love of our spouse. Only when we allow them both to have a place in our life will the false intimacies pass away.<P>[This message has been edited by tomr (edited May 08, 1999).]<P>[This message has been edited by tomr (edited May 08, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by tomr (edited May 08, 1999).]

So how do you get them to grow up and let you love them and let themselves love you??