Had a really bad night last night. Through this whole "affair ordeal" I have been very strong. Not showing my H who much pain he was really causing me. I had moments of crying but mostly, I just got really strong and determined to save my marriage. Last night was fairly quiet, worked out at the club and then went home, made him dinner (I am not really eating these days) and started a DVD. He ate, we watched the movie. but we were on separate sides of the room and up until a week or so ago, we always snuggled while we watched movies. Even while he was seeing the OW. So I was already getting depressed. The the movie ended and he just got up and said good night and went to bed. Since Sunday I have moved into one of our other bedrooms, which is on the other side of the house. So I knew this meant I was going up to bed to be alone. I started the shower and got in. That is when I lost it. I started crying so hard I couldn't think straight. I shut off the shower and got out. At this point I was crying so hard I couldn't even stand anymore. I ended up on the floor "hysterically crying" The next thing I know, my H has picked the lock and is picking me up off the floor. He brought me to our room and put me on the bed. He calmed me down and held me until I fell asleep. (not good. Oh god none of this is good! He left for work this morning and I was asleep. <P>I can not believe I showed such weekness! He must think I am crazy by now. On an up note, I did sleep! How much dammage do you think I have done? Has anyone ever lost it like this?

{{{{{ EWS }}}}}<P>You are in denial, dear...plain and simple...from your handle to your actions, you are very integrated on that. You will become bitter as this progresses, so I'd urge you to go ahead, and let those tears flow...in private, and get to the point of realizing that your marriage, as you know it, is <I>already</I> over.<P>Once you know that, accept that, and live that...you will be in a position to restore your marriage. You need to:<P>1. Accept responsibility for contributing. Forgive yourself for that. Change, and move on.<BR>2. Realize that your are already at the place that you dread. Your anticipated future is actually your present.<BR>3. Forgive H, and OW...I mean this. You cannot save this without that, which brings me to the real #1...<BR>4. Get closer to God, and listen to him...he is trying to tell you things, but you are not listening. He will continue to allow you to suffer until you go to him, and 'come clean.'<BR>5. Realize that you will not do this without God's help, guidance, reproof, and love.<P>I think you have an excellent chance to 'win' here, but you need to make some tough changes <B>now</B>.<P>God bless you, I am sorry that you are here, but you are being given an opportunity that few ever get to make a real honest marriage that will be more wonderful than you can imagine...Step up, and do it! -Mike<P>BTW...just out of curiosity, what movie did you watch?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 19, 2001).]

Hi Waiting_for_her:<P>Thanks for your advice above. I am new at this and I am so glad I found MB! I think all of you are great for the support you give each other. I have felt better just in the few days since I joined.<P>The movie was "Thirteen Days" With Kevin Kostner. It is about the Cuban Missile Crisis. We try not to watch anything that is too mushy or on the "subject". That is dumb, I know, but for now it is easier.<P>I have been thinking about changing my "handle". I need to think of something more creative and posative. any ideas?<BR>Thanks again.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited July 19, 2001).]

Given how weak most are...mine included...I'd say just resist the tmeptation to show your hurt with it...how about heart_wide_open? Idunno.<P>Yes, MB is a godsend in many respects. I spent hours here, and it mostly helps...mostly.<P>That is good, but when you are in denial (from experience) it can backfire...hook up with someone a little farther into it (reaching the bitter stage), and you will see what I mean most directly.<P>You may want to try the link...its not for everybody, and requires submission to a plan (God's plan fortunately)...but I have found it most helpful : <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>Restore Ministries</A><P>Have a blessed day....realize that last night is just the beginning of a new part of this...progree is a good thing. -Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eyes_wide_shut:<BR>We try not to watch anything that is too mushy or on the "subject". That is dumb, I know, but for now it is easier.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't think its dumb- over the last few months, the STBXW and I have gone to a bunch of plays, most of them downers. Sometime, try going to see "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" with a woman who wants to leave you. It ain't fun. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eyes_wide_shut:<P><B>That is when I lost it. I started crying so hard I couldn't think straight. I shut off the shower and got out..... I ended up on the floor "hysterically crying" <P>Has anyone ever lost it like this?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>oh....I hear you!!!<P>hysterical.<BR>out-of-control.<BR>rabid.<BR>terrifying.<P>had it been witnessed, men in white coats would have come...<P>With it came the most enormous physical hurting I have ever felt...I'd rather give birth again....<P>I didn't get to turning off the water, and I certainly couldn't get over the side of the bathtub....so I just collapsed right in the tub, water and tears streaming down....<P>something snapped and broke that night....<P>but I have to tell you, I never saw it as a sign of weakness..I allowed that moment to strengthen me...my god, I felt hurt, like never before, but I felt human again for the first time since d-day....at least I wasn't being the robot-zombie I had permanently become....<P>sorry, but I don't think you're weak...but I think you are hiding behind 'being strong'....<P>being human is usually infinitely better for your soul....<P>you <B>needed</B> and <B>had</B> a moment....<P>what he thinks of it and you is irrelevent....it happened, he found you (I would've paid a million $ for H to have found me and seen me....he still thinks I was/is the strongest thing on earth), there you are.....<P>and you have released much pent up emotion...and you got to sleep.....try eating a little something next...<P><BR>wow..I had forgotten alot of this......<P>my H and I are in the 22 month of our recovery/rebuilding...<P>funny, we started off in seperate rooms too...I made him move into the spare room...I also verbally divorced him that night and told him <B>we</B> would have to <I>earn</I> our marriage back...<P>you're not weak....your perspective is just angled a little 'off' right now.....honest....you can cry and break down, and still be strong...don't you see??..the ultimate in strength is knowing when you have to let it all go...and have the dignity to do so...<P>you got picked up off the floor...<P>some of us have to pick ourselves back up...<P>as long as we get there....<P><BR>I'm proud of you....<P>Dylan<P><P>------------------<BR>"The journey into darkness has been long and cruel, and you have gone deep into it."<BR>~ A Course in Miracles

Dear EWS,<P>Don't be afraid to show this emotion. You need to let it out. You are not a super-human. I thought it was very touching that your H picked the lock and picked you up to put you to bed. I'd take that as a very very good sign. If he felt indifference toward you he would have left you there (as my H did me). The world looks a little brighter with a good nights sleep, something few of the betrayed even dare to remember. Sleeping, appetite, laughter, these are things we forget about. <P>I remember the day that I lost it to that degree. I remember thinking that there was really nowhere to go from that point except for UP. You may feel somewhat more free now that it's not weighing on you any longer.<P>You did nothing wrong...let him see you vulnerable...maybe it'll get him thinking what he's doing. Keep up the excellent work e_w_s.<P>allison

Hi EWS, You and I could be clone...except I lost it in bed one night and I found his arms around me; I must have been really howling because he was asleep. I was glad because he was there and he knew what it was all about. I don't know if he would have picked a lock for me. <P>((((((EWS))))))<P>You are at the stage I was a few weeks ago, and unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how it all turns out or how you look at it) he left. I know you will find this hard to believe, but somehow I feel better in myself for confronting him and basically saying "there's something not right" and his awful reply was that he didn't want to be here. But I, under all the anguish and hurt and despair I still feel very deeply, knew it was the right thing to let him GO. It is what he wanted...how could I keep someone who doesn't want to be there. I'm hoping that will change if I withdraw. But only you can decide what to do in your situation. Look up Plan A and Plan B, they both helped me in what I'm doing now, because I hadn't a clue on what to do. <P>Good luck!<P> <BR>

Hello to all of you who have given me great advise and stories to make me feel "not so alone". I just want you to know that I am feeling a little better about last night. I do not want to ever end a bitter old maid. Your support really helps! <P>Thanks again for the support.<P>Michelle

Hi EWS,<P>I also don't think you're weak. Far from it. I can remember crying like that in bed, and he lay on his side of the bed and said my tears did nothing for him. Made him feel nothing. Cruel huh?<P>Thinking of you in this horrible time, but remember, you will get through it and you will be stronger for it.<P>hugs<P>Jo<BR>