I am angry because my husband(soon to be ex) allowed his mother to single-handedly destroy our marriage. We lived in a house owned by her which was the beginning of the problem. I does not help that my husband is an only child. She knew every aspect of our life because he would tell her everything. It really hurts to know that your husband talks about you to his mother. It hurts even worse to know that when she would talk about me to him, he would never defend me. He claims to not understand why I left him. I do not claim to be a perfect person. I caused the financial problems that we had. But I faced up to the facts and worked two jobs at one point to correct it. I wonder how does a man do this to someone that he claims to love?<P>I feel basically worthless after 6 years of marriage. To make it even worse he was my most trusted best friend for 6 years prior to the marriage. I trusted him with my life.<P>I want to know how to deal with this problem? We have a child involved so I still have to deal with both he and his family. I feel nervous and scared when I face them alone. I feel outnumbered. It's as though we have never been married.<P>Then I feel guilty because he says that I should have "stuck it out" because things would have gotten better. Even though he has mistreated me, I still love him. I have been dating someone else and he is a very kind and loving person but I can't seem to get over this. I need your help.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by always last (edited July 19, 2001).]

I ws going to leave this post alone, because I suspect that you will not want to hear what I have to say...once I say it, however, you will get a wider range of responses...so, here goes:<P>First of all...your husband did not allow your MIL to 'singlehandedly ruin' your marriage. I see three people at least who share EQUAL blame, and responsibility.<P>Obviously, he's not cut the apron strings...that is to his detriment to be sure...hardly worth defiling a sacred institution. The three of you together are not respecting marriage as an institution. Men are to <B>leave</B> their FOO when they marry...the priorities must change. That was never done. MIL then became a wedge, but understand...although you feel that you did all that could be done...its too easy to simply blame 'them', and leave yourself as the victim. Too easy, yes. Tell me how I don't understand...really, I do. My XW never left her family, either. I allowed them to take priority, and that is my fault, not theirs. If you can't cop to that, you have no chance to grow from this, and you will be victimized again. Since you have a child, you are still obliged to correct your end of it.<P>Please quit crying out about your hurt...I understand, and I am sorry about it, but while I support your right and need to get comfort...and am willing to provide it, what I want for you is some healing, and to correct the situation. Perhaps you could talk to MIL one-on-one? Not easy, I'm sure that you have tried before without success. I'd suggest that you learn to speak in a way that allows her to hear you. -Mike

My XW never disconnected from her FOO and became her own person, no matter how bad they were. In that family, blood trumps even the worst misconduct (my family is troubled in the other way: the slightest slight, or even just inertia ... will keep any of us apart). <P>In any case, her father did some things that were clearly out of line ... and when he was merely <I>accused</I>, I opined that he was likely innocent, but that certain other circumstances would lead me to presume him guilty. Well, those circumstances came to pass, and he ultimately tendered his professinal license to settle the charges. My statement to her was inescapable, and she couldn't have me around believing that of her father, even though she had the ambiguous feeling that she herself might have been a victim. <P>It had a lot to do with the disintegration of our marriage, as did having her brother as a long-term houseguest. I said yes to that in circumstances where I didn't feel I could say no, and it proved a bad choice. <P>The only one she disconnected from was another brother, and to cause that, he had to shove her violently against a stair rail. <P>I can't blame her father for destroying our marriage: he opined that she would be going wrong in doing so. But she did it anyway, and I guess he did support her. <P>I am still bitter enough to casually destroy her professional career by revealing some information. But I haven't gone through with it yet, even after a year. However, she is still failing to do some things in terms of resolving the final details of the marriage ... that may ultimately trigger my wrath.<P>For you, I would say that your self-worth could be restored if you established yourself (celibate, without this new boytoy), and stabilized your attitude. Still loving him, and with your child involved, the best thing would be for you and him to work out your differences. Don't try to move on until you're sure that <I>can't</I> happen.

Quick question before I reply:<P>When did you start dating this "other person"? Before you left or after?<P>How long were you married for?

<BR>If you care to, you can do a search on my username and read some of the HORROR stories about my STBX's mommy ... I swear they are still attached by the umbilical ...<P>I have looked into the eyes of evil, and she has a name.<P>I could have never guessed that this woman who claimed to love me 'as her own daughter' would be capable of such nasty, cruel and just plain illegal acts. She would claim to be unbiased, yet always take his side and believe his lies. She's been coaching him for over a year ... insane phone bills from long, almost daily calls to her ... she is paying for his attorney and he is living with her even though I was the one who moved out (he could be living in the marital home, but who would cook and clean for him?)<BR>

I just want to bring a different perspective into this posting.<P>Yes my husband is very attached to his mother as well. But What I did was make her "MY" friend. It is becasue of this she has chosen never to take sides between us. She listens to both sides but never gives advise to either. Now that we are having problems, she has been a great tool in making my H see his role in this mess. Not all MIL's are like this, but I do know if I had made her an enemy from day one, I might be divorsed by now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B>Quick question before I reply:<P>When did you start dating this "other person"? Before you left or after?<P>How long were you married for?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I started seeing him after I left. Although my husband was seeing a girl in Columbus, Georgia(that his mother knew about) before I left.<BR>