Thank you so much everyone for your replies to my last post. It was really great to have all that support.<BR> <BR>Tonight my H rang after work and wanted to come and see the kids. I said okay, because when he left I said he could come whenever he wanted to see them, as I think it is important for them to get his re-assurance. It is okay for me to tell them he loves them, but they don't really believe it unless they see him. <BR> <BR>As soon as I saw him I could see he was stressing. But, not much happened, actually, but it was my choice. I wanted to berate him and accuse him and all the rest, but instead when he got here I went into my bedroom (quite cordially, you know, to give the kids time with him, not agressive or anything) and read my book until he was ready to go. My 5 year old spent half of that crying because she couldn't find something, and the other half of the time he just asked them about their day. The hard bit (and I found it hard because I hate to see the kids like that) was when he was going, 5 year old girl was really upset, and 3 year old girl as well, but my 8 year old boy, even throughout their time together, was quite stand-offish. Before he left I wished him well , he said thanks, not much else happened. I think I handled myself well, considering the bad day I had, (because it ha hit me suddenly that he is probably still involved with the original OW or a new one)and I think it threw him a bit. Good!<BR> <BR>I am glad because this is what I wanted to do. I hope I can keep it up. Strange though that he wanted to come around, but I DID say when he left that he could, whenever he wanted to, see the kids, but it was only on Monday that he said he wanted a divorce. Maybe some guilt there about them, finally. We'll see. <BR> <BR>He wants to see them on Sunday, but doesn't know where to take them, so I said I would disappear, in case he wants to spend time here. I suppose that was too accommodating of me, but if he insists on the divorce, he will be missing out on them altogether soon, and anyway it's the KIDS I'm thinking of especially after my boy's nocturnal adventures, (I got up at 4 last night and he wasn't in his bed. He was up , fully dressed, had got his own breakfast and was waiting for me to get up. I said what's going on, and he said he couldn't sleep.) <P>My H looked really awful too, he as well as I, has lost a lot of weight, but he blames his on a stomach upset. Good again (although it sounds like complete denial that this situation could possibly stress him out)! I haven't been this skinny since before I had my 5 year old. I AM now eating, just not much. I have to cook for the kids anyway. I think my H just isn't right somehow, mid-life thing or affair, does it matter, and until he starts to get better, nothing will persuade him that this is wrong. So I am being patient, and that is hard for ME! <BR> <BR>You see, I love him, and I don't think he is himself. And I don't want to give up until he IS himself and still says the same thing to me. In the meantime, no pressure, no hassles and no manipulation. It wouldn't work. And I know this may take a few months. I have been where he is, regarding work, not US, and I know, you don't know how bad you are until it has passed. I'm hoping it will pass.<P>Do you think I am handling this the right way? Please, I need some feedback.<BR> <BR>

Okay, I'll set that feedback loop in motion.<P>You are doing textbook, here, IMHO...you said some things that I'm not sure that you realize what they mean...I'm not saying that I do, but a few things stand out.<P>He pushes the stress thing aside with the very <B>first</B> response your body gives to stress...gastrointestinal disorder...DUH! He is actually <B>verifying</B> your suspicion there.<P>The kids are responding textbook, as well...sad, but there is nothing to be done about that. Your son is telling you that he will do whatever he can to keep you from leaving him too...God bless that little man...He's trying hard! The girls are probably mirroring what they see from you at this point. The kids will not actually believe that someone who loves them would abandon them...that is how they will see it, and electroshock therapy, and thorazine will not change that...its core.<P>Months could even be conservative, but given the newness, and his response...you knowledge of what defines backsliding, it is very encouraging...all of it.<P>The saddest part of your post to me is the kids, but as I said before, all you can really do is support them, you won't be able to 'make it right', and they will not 'get used to it'...its unnatural, and children have no guile or self delusion to pprotect them, like your H does...unfortunately, his body is telling him different...time will tell if he is listening.<BR>Keep up the good work, your family depends on you and you alone now. God Bless...I will pray. -Mike

Hi Nina Too:<P>I am proud of you for not going off on him! Your actions may make him think. I am sorry for all the sadness in your home. Your kids are suffering and it is a good thing to let them share time with the H and give them space to do so. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>Michelle

I am in the same place you are so we can be patient together and wait for our H's depression/fog whatever to clear up. My husband also is continuing to lose weight and complains of GI problems everytime I see him. ( I think he really just misses his ol' bathroom , ha ha) <P>I fully agree my emotional tirades have done harm not good. He was afraid to come around because of the fear of my "going off the deep end" No more breakdowns, no more clingy, no more guilt trip. I will support him if he needs me but he will have to ask. I am not babying him either. I think there may be hope yet if I can hold out and hold my tongue. <P>I will be thinking about you and wish you the best in your marriage. L

Thanks again for writing to me. I am blue today because I have realised that the main reason he came to see the kids was to pick up his suit! I asked him why he needed it and he said he had a meeting he next day and I said that it must be a pretty important meeting to have to wear a suit...he said, no actually he is just getting cold and has nothing to wear. In my fogged state, I didn't really think about it until today, and what a lack of sense there was in his replies. So I looked to see if his bow tie was missing and yep, gone. Why does he need his best suit and bow tie? Because he was going out...and wanted to impress "someone".<P>So now with my resolve not to confront him, I want to scream at him, but I have to keep my mouth shut. When he comes tomorrow to see the kids, I have made plans to go out, so at least I won't be around that long in his presence. I am so angry at being played for a fool! I just want to jump on the first plane home and to hell with the whole thing.

Nina,<P>Don't jump the gun...give him some space and some time..<BR>and don't be too accomdiating..in letting him stay at the<BR>house with the kids..it was his choice to leave..<BR>and with that comes the consequences of his actions..in<BR>his having to find someplace to spend time with the kids..<BR>so as not to "interfer" with your schedule..and if your moving on with your life..and I'd suggest that you do that..<P>Invite friends over for dinner or desert...or to play games..like cards or something<P>I know in some cases these things can backfire..because they<BR>may think that hey she really doesn't "need" me around..but <BR>you can't be too needy because you need to know that you can make it on your own..as well..<P>

Thanks ThornedRose. I felt at the time I was being too "nice" with this decision about leaving the house while he saw the kids, but I also feel the same about staying here. When we separated two weeks ago we discussed that if he wanted to make the split permenant, that is what I would have to do. I don't know if you read my original post "My husband wants a divorce" but in that I explained that we are in another country because of his work on what turned out to be a five year contract. In six months, it takes "us" to Mozambique. I only have until then here (in South Africa) before we either reconcile, or I go back to Australia, because I won't stay here waiting for him to visit the kids, and I won't go and live in a third world country just to accomodate him either. He knbows this.<P>But as I have also said, I do not believe he is in his right mind at the moment, as there have been many clues as to this. I wish I had the time for him to recover and THEN tell me he doesn't want me. <P>I have a friend telling me the same things as you. I know in my head what I should do, but the heart gets in the way. Why, I ask myself, when he has told me he wants out of the marriage, do I want to be here and wait? I'm in such a fix, and I just don't want to make a mistake.