Its been 19 days since H left. We have actually really talked twice. Each time him telling me that he is not coming back. When he does drop by, its to take another tool from the house and we don't speak. He is in control of all money. He says that he will pay the bills for awhile, and give me a little money for food. I bring home a lousy $700.00 a month, but out of my paycheck I also pay for the health insurance, car insurance and dental insurance. He asked me yesterday if I was going to file or was he. That it would be better on me if I filed. H also said that I should think about getting the bills in my name. People have told me not to do anything yet. I have not spoken to a lawyer. I don't want a divorce, but I don't know if he will pay the bills. He says he will, but I truly don't know. He said the kids will not go with out. <P>I went and saw the therapist for the 1st time yesterday, and it was one of those getting to know me sessions. I am just scared and not sure what my next move should be. I have lots of moral support from friends and family, which is great, but after 18 years together... I am at a loss. I have never talked to a lawyer in my life, and that scares me. People tell me I am very strong, but right now, this roller coaster that I am on is scaring me, and I so want to get off and just smile again. <P>I know that I have to do something, but its the what I should be doing that I am so unsure of. <P>Any advice?

He wants it, let him get it. Stay away from lawyers, they cause problems. You do not have to sign anything that is not equitable. If your desire is to avoid divorce, stay away from lawyers...I'm serious.<P>If he comes up with fair papers, then sign them. Agree with him as much as you can...if you do not agree, remain silent.<P>That's <B>my</B> advice.<P>I'm sorry that he feels that he must do this. I was married for 18 years, too. Yes, it leaves a great big hole in your life that's hard to fill. Try God, he's really good at filling these holes, and restoring marriages, too. Here is where I went:<A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>Restore Ministries</A><P>Take care...God bless you, I know how you feel. -Mike

Don't do anything yet, let him make the first moves for the divorce, give him space and let him think it out. Take good care of yourself and the kids, it will get better in time.<BR>Tom<P>

Thank you for your replys. I am not going to do anything yet. H did pay the bills (or he said he did) and gave me some money for food. H keeps asking me if I have seen a lawyer or started my own checking account. I told him I am not filing and if he is determined to have a divorce, then he must file. I did start my own account yesterday, but have not told him that. (Is it really any of his business?)<P>He asks if I will contest a divorce if he files because it would be cheaper if I don't. I told him when the time comes, I will get a lawyer. I have to think of myself and our 3 children.<P>I know that I have a rough road ahead of me, but I KNOW I will survice. Starting over is such a scary thing. <P>I just have to put this in Gods hands, and do the best I can.

I'm glad to hear that you will get yourself an attorney. IF and when your H files....ask your attorney for temporary motions for support. <P>You are right, you have yourself and your children to take care of. You need to make sure that your rights are protected, so that you can care for your children. Your H is a grown up, and he's choosing this route. <P>Just remember, that your attorney works for you. You call the shots, and you don't HAVE to do anything inflammatory or vindictive, while still maintaining your rights legally.<P>In my situation, I decided to file, I hired an attorney and I went forward with my divorce not just once, but twice. My H, who thought he wanted a divorce, wanted it to be friendly and easy. If I had made it easy - laid down and did things HIS way...I'd probably be divorced right now.<P>Did I get nasty and vindictive? No. But I was insistent that I have my OWN attorney, (he wanted to share) and I was insistent that he pay quite a bit of support, and I was willing to go before a judge if he resisted. As far as I was concerned...I was asking simply that he keep up his obligations. He choose to have an affair, but that didn't mean that he shouldnt be required to keep up his financial obligations to me and the kids. He also didn't want me to move away. The reality was, I can't care for myself and 3 children by myself, AND start a career. So I needed to move away to be near family.<P>His idea of divorce was to make it "cheap" by sharing lawyers, me getting a job, him only paying a couple years of support, and living near by where he had easy access to the kids.<P>No way. I suggested that he was free to move to be near us, and that I'd be happy to let him see the kids ANY time...but that I needed to move.<BR> <BR>You can still Plan A while divorcing, and while hiring an attorney and while fighting him in court if necessary. <P>Stay close to the therapist, and keep posting here. <P>My H and I have been separated since March 2000. His affair started Nov 99. I filed in August 2000 the first time, and again March 2001 after a failed reconciliation attempt.<P>I plan A'd through all the legal stuff anyway. And the night before our first court date, my H wanted to try again. He's moving home August 1. <P>It is possible, just hang tight!!!<P>((((hugs))))<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:00 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>