After 1 year of having sex with my boyfriend he now wants to wait till we are married before we ever engage in sex again (no wedding date set in the future) He recently turned back to christianity which I think is great, but I'm confused. I know sex in the catholic religion is for married couples and singles should be able to wait. Trouble is I doubt if I can. I love this man with all my heart and soul. I desire him with every ounce of my being. Its usually the women who wants to wait till after marriage not the man. I know by waiting it will make it much more special and beautiful. I just dont know where he is coming from. Our sex life has never been all that great or frequent for that matter but I always felt a special closenss to him when we made love. Marriage would not change that emotion for me. Help!!! Im truly at a loss. I know god will never tempt me with more then I can bare, but after having him and now not be able to, Im not sure what to make of it or think of it. He is a divorced 37 years old with a 4 year old daughter. Up to a few months ago we shared a bedroom and then he said he needed his space and moved into the guest room. Thats okay with me. I like my space also. He does say he is in love with me. I believe he really is but I am beginning to wonder what this is all about. Heres a man I have been living with for a year and a half. Never once during that time did he ever go to church. However, every morning for a few minutes he does read the bible. That is one of the qualities I admire about him. Also in the last year we have been to swingers clubs, rented porno, and just this past weekend went away and had sex along with watching porno movies at the hotel. And then whammo. This comes up. No more sex until we are married. Yes. I agree it will be more special but yet there isnt even a wedding date set for anytime soon. So do I stay in a relationship that is pure for him but a drag for me. I will endure it because I love this man. But are these red flags? I'm glad that he is working towards a marriage goal with me and yet I should be thrilled that in this day and age I have a man with strong family and moral values. But as I mentioned above they only surfaced a few days ago. Anyone got any advice for this nice jewish girl in love with a catholic man?<p>[This message has been edited by beezer (edited May 07, 1999).]

I've heard of couples not having sex a few weeks before the wedding and some waited a couple of months. But I've never heard of waiting with no date set. I feel there is something going on. It could be a good sign as well as a bad sign.But it seems something has changed. Could it be his faith is causing a feeling of quilt about something or possibility the question everyone seems to ask themself about the bible and what it says on second marriages.<P>I think its time to talk with him about these things. It seems strange to me but we are all different. Talking this over with him will not hurt and should build on the relationship if handled correctly.<P>If this were me I would feel it was a flag and start checking into it before marriage.<P>Good Luck

Wow. That sounds like it would confuse just about anybody. I mean one minute you're having sex and the next you're not. I don't know if this will be helpful to you but it may be something to consider. It seems as though your sexual relationship has changed somewhat. Is he feeling unconfortable with this? Have you talked to him about how he really feels about porn, etc. He may be embarrassed to talk about it and want to just avoid the whole thing. I have to agree and say that maybe he is feeling some sense of guilt. I mean with him getting up and reading the bible everyday and trying to maintain his christianity he just may be feeling "dirty" so to speak. But then again he is a man. This is not the easiest thing for a man to tell their significant others. I mean what's he gonna say. "Sweetheart, having sex makes me feel dirty." I don't know. You may think that there are other factors involved, but it sounds like he wants to see what your relationship would be without it or without the form of sex you are having. It's worth talking about though. He sounds like a good enough kinda guy.<P>Good luck.<P>Superwoman

May I ask a question? I'm just trying to do some math here...you've been together 1 1/2 years and his kid is only 4 yrs. old. How long has he been divorced? How long between divorcing her and dating you? Ok, that's two questions, sorry!

I am a nice Jewish girl too and once I was in love with a Catholic man. I chased him for 3 years and two breakups, and finally when he decided he was ready, the religious difference became an abyss. He wanted Catholic children and I felt that my grandmother didn't lose nine siblings in Hitler's camps so that I could raise Christian children. No knock on Christians, but the Holocaust makes me kind of sensitive to this stuff. That I don't practice Judaism myself makes me a bit of a hypocrite, I know, but there we are.<P>My point is that your guy might be having some thoughts on the religious difference too, and it's manifesting as withholding sex. He may love you dearly...I know I loved my guy dearly, but this was an insurmountable issue.<P>If he's clinging to Catholicism right now, he might be trying to get a handle on just how strong and how important his faith is to him.<P>I know it might be painful for both of you, but I'd recommend that you two sit down and talk about religion, and how you both want to proceed. You might find that religion has nothing to do with it, you might find that he's finding it an abyss too, now that it's getting to a point of marriage and potentially children.<P>I only know what you've posted, but it sure sounds to me like this is NOT about sex.<P>Good luck to you. I know this is difficult; I've been there. Please let us know how it works out.

I could have written that letter 19 years ago. I was living with my girlfriend...was a "non-practicing" Catholic...(my life did not match any biblical/moral teachings) and then I had a ""spiritual conversion" where God became very real in my life. I wanted to get my life in order with Him...and found out that my physical relationship with my girlfriend was one of the "hinderances" to doing this. After much prayer and internal agoinizng...I knew it was more important to Please God than anyone else...so I talked to my girlfriend. She was confused, hurt, and certainly questioning the direction of our relationship. To make a long story short...she accepted the "adjustment" in our relationship...and within a few months...had her own "genuine conversion"...we married a year later...saving our "physical coming together" until after we married. We have been happily married for 18 years and I have been pastoring a church for the past 10 years.(No longer a Catholic...Non-denominational Christian) I counsel numerous couples getting ready for marriage and share my story with them...and this important fact...if you want God to bless your marriage...you have to do it HIS WAY...and sex before marriage is a no-no....Believe me...He has His reasons!<p>[This message has been edited by Tony Corso (edited May 14, 1999).]

beezer, a man that can give up sex is rare, or maybe somethink else. to give it up for marriage, to make the honeymoon something to remember is one thing. but you haven't set a date. check out the topic, women who like sex more than men. you don't want to spend the rest of your life a sexual diet. cut your boyfried loose and free him to find a woman who doesn't care for sex. and you need to find a real man. clearly, i do not buy into the religious thing but that's just me. as they say, god will not give you more than you can handle, if that's any counselaton. dlara, and didi, talk to this woman.

Beezer,<P>I did the exact thing to my boyfriend (now husband) after we had been having sex for 2 years. My faith had been growing throughout our relationship and one night while talking with his sister about my faith in God I realized how wrong I thought pre-marital sex was. My love for him did not change AT ALL. I just simply felt I was doing something wrong and by that realization I HAD to make a change in my life. I explained to my boyfriend how I felt and he basically gave my an ultimatem. Either I have sex with him or our relationship wouldn't last. (not that it was only about sex, just he couldn't live without it) I loved him so much that I continued with great reluctance. Sex became horrifing for me because I would spend the entire time thinking of God looking upon me and knowing that I was doing something wrong. I know God is forgiving, but I also know we need to do more than simply KNOW right from wrong. Things continued like that for a year, with me usually crying during sex (he didn't know I was crying - just tears and guilt) I finally told him I NEEDED to get married for things to contine and we ended up getting married, even though he didn't really feel he was ready for "commitment". That made me feel like he was only there for the sex. I had built up so much resentment because of his requests for sex when he knew I didn't want to, that we never even made love on our wedding night. It really didn't mean anything to me anymore because it was just for him. I still have feelings of anger toward him, even though he has realized what he did to me back then and apoligized for it.<P>My point is this. If you truly love this man and his intentions are sincere (as mine were), you need to try to be understanding to his request. If not it will cause resentment as it did with me.<P>As for the weekend sex and porno, I didn't stop liking sex, it would have been GREAT, if we were married. It might be as hard for him to think about giving up sex, but he is doing it because he feels that is what God wants him to do.<P>Maybe try talking to him about what (if anything) he still feels is acceptable. Maybe there are other ways to fulfill your needs while honoring his beliefs.<P>Hope things work out for you.

Thank you all for replying. I am still trying to make sense of this because I really love him and beleive in this relationship. I did confront him on the religion and he really got hostile by telling me that this his personal business and I have no right trying to understand. What I need to understand is how he wants to wait and be a good catholic. Final. Needless to say I am hurt because I cant communicate my feelings. Also about setting a wedding date. We have to be boyfriend and girlfriend first.<BR>(Im 45 Hes 37) So who knows when that will be.I want to hang in there because I feel its worth while if he is truly being real about this and not just using this religion as a cover for not wanting intimacy. (he divorced now 2 years)I still dont know what to think or do. Thanks again.

What a load of crap! Religion is his "personal business"??? Well, yes, it is, but especially if you plan to have children (and it's NOT too late), it's not HIS personal business, it's BOTH of your personal business.<P>Even if you don't have children, it's your business. Are you observant? If so, are you prepared to give up YOUR holidays? Because if he's become so devout all of a sudden, you'll have to. His religion gives him no choice. One thing about Catholicism and Judaism -- there's no middle ground, Jews for Jesus notwithstanding. It's probably the most difficult "mixed marriage" you can have.<P>Never mind that I don't happen to buy that standing in front of a priest or minister all of a sudden changes someone's mindset about sex.<P>You have no wedding date. This is another indication of reluctance.<P>I don't know, beezer, because I'm not there...but I still maintain that this is about neither God nor sex -- that something else is going on here; and you'll have to try to find out what it is.<P>Sorry I couldn't be of more help.