THE BIRDS AND THE BEES<P>A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.<P>"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."<P>Confused, the father asked what was wrong.<P>"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At 7, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups don't really have sex, I'll have nothing left to live for."<P>

Okay I will play:<P>A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. <BR>She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. <BR>The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will <BR>grant you 3 wishes. " <BR>The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I <BR>failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. <BR>Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better! " <BR>The woman said, "That would be okay, " and for her first wish, she <BR>wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. <BR>The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make <BR>your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women <BR>will flock to. " <BR>The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most <BR>beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. " <BR>So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! <BR>For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the <BR>world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the <BR>world and he will be ten times richer than you. " <BR>The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and <BR>what is his is mine. " <BR>So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! <BR>The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd <BR>like a very mild car accident. " <BR>

SLIP OF THE TONGUE<P>A guy boards a train bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him has a deeply bruised black eye. "Heck, what a coincidence! We both have black eyes! Mind if I ask how you got yours?"<BR> <BR>"Well," explains the man, "I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with beautiful breasts was behind the counter. When I asked to purchase a ticket to Pittsburgh, I accidentally blurted out 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh' and so she sucker-punched me!" The man continues, "What's your story?" <P>The other guy explains, "I was at the breakfast table and I meant to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties,' but I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you stupid cow.'"<BR>

<BR>Great idea, they say laughter is the best medicine! Here's my contribution:<BR> <BR>There were 11 people-ten were men and one woman- hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. <BR> <BR>They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. <BR>No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. <P>When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping. <P>Never underestimate the power of a Woman. <P> <P>> > <BR>> > <P><BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at <A HREF="http://www.hotmail.com." TARGET=_blank>http://www.hotmail.com.</A> <BR>

Here's a couple:<P>#1<P>NEW BY NBC<P>Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?<P>Six men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6<BR>weeks. Each kid plays two sports AND takes music, dance or lessons on<BR>both.<P>There is no access to fast food.<P>Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean,<BR>correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and<BR>take care of a pet cat and dog.<P>The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and<BR>all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is<BR>no remote.<P>The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must<BR>apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.<P>They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick<BR>children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a<BR>tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of<BR>peas.<P>The kids vote them off based on performance.<P>The winner gets to go back to his job.<P>#2<P>Conversions Made Easy<BR> ---------------------<P> For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was<BR> the constant conversion from MKS or CGS units to English<BR> units, here are some useful English system conversions.<P> Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi<P> 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton<P> 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope<P> Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement:<BR> 1 bananosecond<P> Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram<P> Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour:<BR> Knot-furlong<P> 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less<BR> filling: 1 lite year<P> 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling<P> Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon<P> 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz<P> Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower<P> Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line<BR> (think about it for a moment)<P> 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake<P> 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone<P> 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles<P> 365.25 days: 1 unicycle<P> 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)<P> 10 cards: 1 decacards<P> 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton<P> 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen<P> 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche<P> 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin<P> 10 rations: 1 decoration<P> 100 rations: 1 C-ration<P> 2 monograms: 1 diagram<P> 8 nickels: 2 paradigms<P> 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale<BR> University Hospital: 1 I.V. League<P> 100 Senators: Not 1 decision<BR>

SWIM MEET<P>It was the final race of the annual Swim Meet. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were competing against one another to take the big trophy. <P>After the starting gun was fired, the brunette and the redhead gracefully dove into the pool and began swimming furiously. Their blazing speed astonished onlookers. <P>Meanwhile, the blonde just sort of jumped into the pool and flopped around helplessly. While the other two girls were swimming like fish, the blonde was not getting anywhere. It was a wonder that she did not drown. <P>At last, in a photo finish, the redhead edged out the brunette to win the big swimming trophy. The blonde, however, was publicly humiliated; after watching the blonde flop around in the water for several minutes, a lifeguard finally had to throw her a ring float and pull the blonde from the pool. <P>Upon getting out of the pool, the blonde was both embarassed and very angry. She marched straight to the swimming race judge and exclaimed, "It's not fair! This race should be invalidated because they cheated!" <P>"Ma'am," the judge sternly replied, "Everything appeared to be in order to me. How on earth do you think that they cheated?" <P>"You said this was a breast stroke competition," the blonde explained. "But they used their arms!"<BR>

A man owned a house far out in the country in the flood plain of the Mississippi. One particularly wet spring, as the heavy snows from the previous winter were melting, a flash flood watch was issued. <P>The man was sitting on his front porch when a friend drove up in a pickup truck and said "Pack what you can in the back of my truck, and let's get out of here!"<P>"No, the Lord will protect and provide for me," the man said, and his friend drove off.<P>The waters rose and covered his yard and porch. The man watched out a second floor window as a Red Cross worker came by in a boat and said "grab a change of clothes and get in the boat, and we'll get out of here!"<P>"No, the Lord will protect and provide for me," the man said, and the Red Cross floated off.<P>The waters rose and covered his house to the eaves. As the man sat on his roof, a rescue team flew by in a helicopter. They dropped a rope to him, and yelled through a megaphone "grab the rope and we'll get you out of here!"<P>"No, the Lord will protect and provide for me," the man said, and the rescue team flew away.<P>Minutes later, the man was carried away in the raging flood, and died. In heaven, he furiously asked God "how could you have forsaken me? I put all my trust in you, and what did it get me?"<P>"I sent you a truck, a boat, and a helicopter," God told him. "What more did you want?"<P>

A MISTRESS<P>A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. <BR>The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" <P>"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." <P>"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." <P>"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."<BR> <BR>Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. <P>"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. <P>"That's his mistress," says her husband. <P>"Ours is prettier," she replies.<BR>

THE AGES OF WOMAN<P><BR>Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored. <P>Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic. <P>Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources. <P>Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest. <P>After 56 she is like Antartica, everybody knows it's down there but who gives a damn? <BR>