My wife and I have been married 10 years, just past the anniversary a month ago. In the last 6 months my wife has turned 30 and we've bought a house(stress, stress, stress). My wife hasn't worked the last 2 years because she said she wanted to be a writer. I was making enough money so I agreed. Just a few days after our anniversary, which we did nothing for, she told me she wasn't happy and needed some time away, she spent the last 2 years writing a journal and figuring out her unhappiness. At the time I agreed that I wasn't happy either, we both haven't for at least 4 years or so. I said that some time apart would be good and that we both needed to work on our individual happiness. I don't know that much of my unhappiness is from the marriage, just baggage from my past, and I think her unhappiness was as well. So, I don't know if our unhappiness is realated to our marriage, other than when you're unhappy you can't have a happy marriage. So, we talk things over, back and forth, up and down and it ends up that just yesterday she said that there would be no guarantee that even if we spent time apart and became happier as individuals that WE could be a couple. She had been telling me how unhappy and lonely she was for the past couple of years but I always thought most of it was from the not working and being around people. She never really said "I miss YOU!" So the divorce topic comes up and we go back and forth and cry and cry and cry about our mutual confusion about what really to do. We actually really talked for the first time in a long time. So she moved back with her parents and I'm left in a big empty house and our kids(puppies) to take care of. The last thing she told me when she called to tell me she got to her parents safely, was that she did love me and care for me very much, but she didn't know if we could be happy together. The problem in all of this is that we've been to no counseling or therapy and I, now knowing how unhappy we both are, really just don't want to get a divorce. Never have. I want to work at it. I can grant her the time to find her own happiness and I really do want her to be happy. I also know that this would be some good time to work on my happiness. But I don't know what to do to let her know that I want to work on things. I've only said it a 1000 times, but all I get is "we need time apart." I know that, but what about after that? So I've made a plan to seek my own therapy and find out not only why I'm not currently happy but also what does make me happy. I just don't know what to do about us. Do I wait it out, do I send her little updates as to what I'm doing, do I initiate the divorce and hope that scares her? Do I stay in direct contact with her or leave her alone? I read a book in the library that said in the 11th hour of separations/divorces if you want to work on it, do a 180 so that instead of calling every day, never call, let the other person worry about the marriage. But nothing in what we've discussed makes me think she would think about it even if I didn't contact her. I'm just confused. I want us both as individuals to be happy, to try to be happy as a couple even through counseling and to be together. I don't want to pine away for her, if she really doesn't want to work on it. But I don't know what to do NOW! Any advice?<BR>

Hi, I am new at this too, my husband left two weeks ago tomorrow. Same story, almost, except that he has told me (after only 10 days apart) that he now wants to divorce. <P>I hate to suggest this, but you might think about whether your wife was/is having an affair, and to look for any clues that this was/is going on. To my regret, I am pretty sure my H had either continued an affair from November through the last six months, or he started a new one, based on his actions of the last few weeks before he left. And yet before he left, I was in complete denial, that he could do that to me again, So think, maybe this has been a contributing factor.<P>As to what you should do now, well I can tell you what I am doing, and that is I am withdrawing emotionally from the situation. He is used to me trying to talk him out of this, and I have decided that no matter what I do, it won't make any difference to the way he thinks at the moment. <P>So I am kind of being neutral when I have to deal with him. I don't talk about the kids, I don't ask him what he's doing and I don't contact him. I don't say ANYTHING that might be interpreted as manipulation or a tactic, although this is very much a tactic! If he doesn't feel so trapped, maybe, just maybe, he will start to think about his actions. (When my marriage is about to fail anyway, it is worth a try.) After a couple of days of this, and an upfront "I'll just go read my book while you visit the kids" I could see that it worried him...good!<P>I hope you can work this out, it is still early days, and if there is no-one else, you have a better chance. Good luck!

Wow, and welcome... I've had to say this twice today... have you considered that your W may be having an affair, either emotional or physical?<P>I know it hurts to consider... but consider it you must.<P>I'd like to share our welcome letter with you, and please, please check the links (underlined red words) and study this stuff!! <P><I>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!</I><P><BR>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino<p>[This message has been edited by Nyneve (edited July 20, 2001).]

I know from reading her journal that she has. When I confronted her she admitted it. But, and this might seem odd, I think I can forgive her for it. We haven't been intimate for 2 years. Strangely enough about the same time we moved to the big city so we could be closer to our families. Its not that it doesn't hurt me, but I can understand that she needed the physical release. I have never been unfaithful, but because of my unhappiness I've also not been as physical with her as I would have liked. She doesn't want children, which was fine, but she was so paranoid about getting pregnant that she never seemed to enjoy the intimacy. Just 2 days ago after a long crying and talking session, we went to bed early and just held each other and cried a little more. It was sooooo fantastic, I could have stayed their for the rest of my life. Things seemed like they should have been all along. In the morning I asked her if she wanted to make love and she started crying more. Nothing happened. I had planned to be gone when her parents came to get her, so I had to get up and get out for a while. It was the hardest thing to do, because just holding her close, kissing her face and caressing her felt so good. I think for both of us.<P>A lot of my unhappiness comes from my childhood, but some also comes from our life. We met in college, were dirt poor, but strangely happy. Then as we moved on to work we both got into the corporate world. I hated it but keep quiet becuase we were making more money that any of our families ever did. Bought more and more stuff, and proceeded to get more and more unhappy. But we never could talk about it for some reason. We both really wanted a much simpler life away from the big city and the money. I wanted more than anything to sleep in late and hold her for hours. Vacations spent making love all day. But we never could get comfortable talking to each other because of things from our pasts kept us from really trusting each other. So she spent the last couple of years figuring out that she wasn't happy and I kept working not really know that, that is what she was finding out. And then one day "I'm not happy in this life!" Well, hell, I'm not happy either, but she doesn't believe me. She thinks I enjoy the stuff because I spend more time with it than her. I was just trying to give her space. I really wish I had been more physical and attentive, but I understand now what she means about being unhappy and lonely and I just want to jump off the same train and move into a slower lifestyle. It just seems that even though I now get it, I GET IT!!, she doesn't want to try. Maybe its this one nighter guy, but I can't imagine that she'd be happy. She honestly seemed very sorry about having done it, calling herself Stupid many times. Saying that she didn't think I'd ever be able to forgive her. Maybe this was a ploy to get to to agree to a divorce, but why do all of the other things? Like tell me she still loves me a lot and cares deeply for me. Is she just saying it so that I can get through the separation without her?<P>It would be easier on me if she just said she wanted a divorce and that was that. I'd be crushed, but it would feel better than this roller coaster I'm on. One minute crying like a baby because I want her back so badly and then next happy to play with the puppies in the back yard. One minute thinking she really does want a divorce the next thinking she just as lost, unhappy and confused as I am and that if I give her time and space, she'll come back.<P>This up and down sucks!<P>

As a quick follow up. The one nighter was within the last couple of weeks and we've been discussing our unhappiness for a couple of months. We have one car so she doesn't go out and I was laid off 2 months ago so I'm pretty sure she hasn't done it before. Maybe, but I don't think so.<P>Fortunately for me at least I start a new job Monday, but I don't know how to get through the day. I hope I can.

I think some of my situation is the same as yours regarding the unhappiness..<P>As to your concern about your childhood causing problems...I have just found this type of therapy that is suppose to work with that...My first apt. is Tues... I can let you know what I think...<P>Here is a link to their website...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.imagotherapy.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.imagotherapy.com/</A> <BR>

Tomorrow I start a new job and I was sitting here this morning with no one but my puppies to talk to about the general butterflies I'm feeling about it. I always thought of my wife as my best friend and always confided in her about these kinds of things(should have been other things too). I was writing e-mails and thinking about how I wish I could talk to her about the new job and my general misery about us being apart. I was actually trying to "will" the phone to ring. Its been 4 days since she went back to her parents and all of them terrible. <P>But as I was sitting here doing the e-mails something happened. She called! She was crying, she said she was more confused than ever and that she missed me. We cried some more but having read a lot of this site, I kept it from getting out of control like it has the last couple of weeks. I didn't beg for her to return, only told her that the kids and I miss her and hope she was happy. Also told her that I didn't want to force her return for reasons other than she wanted to come back. I also told her of the steps I'm taking to be happier, which basically means right now finally opening up to my family, who I've not spoken to about the crap in my life and writing, writing, writing in my journal. Allowing me to finally forgive and feel better about myself. I'm also waiting to hear back about a therapist, so that I can also start getting this out to a "neutral" party.<P>In 4 days I've missed her sooooooo much but I've also started on my road to "recovery" if you can call it that. I don't know what word to use.<P>She told me that when she told her parents that I would be missing them as well because I always really liked them, they commented that I had always been so quiet that they really never knew that I liked them. Ahhh Haaa! More foder for my journal. I keep too much of myself inside myself. No more!<P>I feel so good right now I think I'm going to go buy myself a Hawaiian shirt and a fun hat. Maybe induldge in a nice cup of espresso and check out a British TV comedy video from the library. "As Time Goes By" is great, I think, for people going through marital troubles. It can't solve your problems but I highly recommend it to all of you, for a good laugh at least.<P>Thanks for all of the comments. I'll keep working at it if you do!<BR>