I just came home early. To find my H's car hiden in garage. See we have a three car garage. The two part has a car and a boat in it right now. It has an electric door opener. The third part is separate, no electric remote. I had that vehicle. His car is always outside on the drive way. I walk in, he has this suprised look on his face. I had spoken to him 30 minutes before, he told me he was at a customers. He tells me he was done and stopped home for a quick drink. Okay, he goes throught the trouble of getting out of his car, opening the electric door to get inside and open the mannual door, to pull in his car and shut both doors. To get a f$$$ng drink? Not to mention his customers is not close to our home!!!! Did I mention the OW lives next door? So I blew up, he left. <P>I am going to explode. can't even think right now. All I can think is he lied. Never ended it with her and has been sneaking home for more that f$4ng water during the day!!!<P>Help. Please..

E_W_S,<P>Are you two seperated? Is he living at home? Can you catch me up a bit more on your situation?<P>I mean, if he is going to sneak around with this woman would he be stupid enough to do it at home...when you could walk in at anytime?<P>Take a deep breath, look at the situation. I'm not doubting that something my indeed be wrong (we have to listen to that inner voice), but watch those LB's hon...step away from the situation a bit and calm down. <P>Write back ok, and keep talking.<P>allison

.............<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited July 22, 2001).]

EWS,<P>Slow down and just breathe for a while. I have no advise on what to do with your husband, but I can tell you from experience that you need a break from this. I know easier said than done.<P>Your episode the other day was great. I mean when you have the emotion don't hide just let it all out. Experience every moment of it, that is part of the natural grieving process. When my divorce was finalized last week, obviously I was feeling down, but I really wanted to experience the moment so I put on the most depressing music I could find and just cried my eyes out. When there were no more tears I felt so relieved.<P>Now your totally pissed off, well that may not be a good emotion to go with, so take a break. Do something for yourself tonight. Take in a movie (no emotional movies), go to a club, go for a long walk, just do something to take your mind off your crazy life for a moment.<P>Hugs, thoughts, & prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Hi again EWS,<P>Oh boy did your post bring back memories. <P>Before I go any further, please believe that this mess does have an end, one way or the other, and that it does get easier. Again, one way or the other.<P>Here's a little background for you. My ex-h's OW #1 was someone he worked with. When I found out, and confronted him, of course he denied it. Exactly the same as your h. They go to ground. Of course they can't admit it. I often think it's like when you've done something wrong when you're a child. You know that your parents know, but you still can't say "yes, I did it".......... You're scared, too scared. You don't know what the consequences will be.<P>My ex had his OW move into a house which was owned by a friend of ours, who at the time was looking for a room-mate. Conveniently, this house was about 3 streets away from us. And of course they worked together also. So, I used to wave him off to work, with our 15 month old d in my arms, knowing full well he was going to be with her.<P>Or he would say he was going for a bikeride and didn't know how long he would be. Right, I may have been born at night, but not last night!!!! I have no proof, but I have no doubt that he cycled straight to her house.<P>Anyway, the moral here is that they all do the same sorts of things. The lies, the deceit, the hurt, the anguish.<P>What you need to do (and this is so hard to write to you because I know exactly where you are) is to let him go.<BR>If he is so hell-bent on continuing this course of action with all its lies and deceit, for your own self-preservation you need to let him go.<P>I read the most amazing post last night and it was an excerpt from a book by someone called Dobson. I think it was titled "tough love". I wish I had seen that 2 years ago when this mess started for me.<P>Eventually I left my h, moved interstate to be close to my family and divorced him. I woke up and thought to myself well if you don't want me, or can't make up your mind whether you want me, I'm out of here. Of course that paragraph leaves out all the agonising soulsearching, the tears, the heartache and heartbreak, and the indecision, but essentially I couldn't take anymore.<P>I often think about a saying that is so commonly used everywhere, but to me it says so much.<P>"If you love something, set it free.<BR> If it comes back, it's yours, <BR> If it doesn't, it never was"<P>I have always had the view of marriage that there are no chains binding us together. No one has a ring through their nose. We are together simply because we want to be together. However, when one party doesn't want to be there anymore, they should be free to go.<P>I hate myself for saying that to you when you are suffering so much. I wish you weren't here, and going through this.<P>I only wish I had found this site when I first found out about his affair. I know I would have done most things differently, and not said other things.<P>I hope you have found this site in time, and can draw on the wisdom and the strength of so many wonderful people here.<P>If I can help you in any way, it will be to tell you what I did and said, so you don't have to do ALL THE WRONG THINGS!! You can hopefully benefit from my mistakes. My discovery and subsequent actions could be studied by MarriageBuilders as what not to do!!! I will openely and honestly answer any questions that you may have, and tell you the consequences of my actions. In a nutshell, they drove him completely away.<P>If you truely believe in your marriage, and can honestly look at yourself and accept your part of the blame for what has happened to your marriage, you have a great chance.<BR>I couldn't accept any part of the blame for quite some time, but with hindsight, of course I was partly to blame for the state of our marriage. I devoted most of my time to the girls and he was left out. He worked too hard, networked too hard and left his family out. It spiralled downhill from there.<P>Families need to make time for each other. Constantly. I have said all along that I thought our problem was we didn't have enough time alone together, and I still believe this.<P>You sound like you have a high powered job, with a lot of time spent away from home. Have you asked him how he feels about this. What sort of job does he do? Could he possibly be feeling inferior to you, which in turn is making him have low self-esteem? If that could be the case, your neighbour is making him feel good about himself. He has no responsibilities to her or with her, she just makes him feel good about himself. A very attractive option when you don't feel good about yourself. How do I know this? This is exactly what happened to me. And I would go so far as to say it's what happened to most people here. We, as spouses, for whatever reason (and I'm not making any judgements at all here) did not make our husbands/wives feel good about themselves anymore. They had to go outside the marriage for that. And it's so sad. But there it is.<P>You need to look at your part in this. Did you take him for granted? Has the romance gone? Do you ever spontaneously suggest going out for dinner to some other city/county?<P>The cycle of who did what to whom, which led your marriage to this point, has to stop somewhere. Make a pact with yourself that you want this episode of your marriage to end. And start doing all the things you did when you first got married. Whatever they may have been.<P>Be prepared for rejection, seeming indifference, sarcasm, and a host of other negative reactions. And try to continue anyway.<P>Eventually you will get through to him.<P>I hope this hasn't been too long winded for you, or left you feeling negative. I feel that you have so much going for you, even in the depths of your despair. You have a chance girl. Go for it.<P>Go and have a massage and a facial, and have yourself a serious talking to.......<P>Get your plan of action, and stick to it. (another thing I couldn't do!!!) He would deflate me with indifference and that would start the anger up all over again. Don't go there girl!!!!<P>Use me, anytime. I wish the best for you, and will be praying for you and your h.<P>take care of you, and hugs to you. Thinking of you.<P>Jo<P>ps<P>I won't be back on for a while, this house has had the flu all week so we're going on a picnic to get some fresh air.<BR>Didn't want you to think I'm not responding. I'm in Australia so the time difference is sometimes a killer also!!!<P>

Hi EWS,<P>you still here? How are you today? Just wanted to let you know I'm checking in on you - and thinking of you.<P>Hang in there girl.<P>hugs<P>Jo

change the locks girl...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by eyes_wide_shut:<BR><B>I just came home early. To find my H's car hiden in garage. See we have a three car garage. The two part has a car and a boat in it right now. It has an electric door opener. The third part is separate, no electric remote. I had that vehicle. His car is always outside on the drive way. I walk in, he has this suprised look on his face. I had spoken to him 30 minutes before, he told me he was at a customers. He tells me he was done and stopped home for a quick drink. Okay, he goes throught the trouble of getting out of his car, opening the electric door to get inside and open the mannual door, to pull in his car and shut both doors. To get a f$$$ng drink? Not to mention his customers is not close to our home!!!! Did I mention the OW lives next door? So I blew up, he left. <P>I am going to explode. can't even think right now. All I can think is he lied. Never ended it with her and has been sneaking home for more that f$4ng water during the day!!!<P>Help. Please..</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

see my last posting......<P><BR>Michelle<p>[This message has been edited by eyes_wide_shut (edited July 22, 2001).]