One year ago today I was the recipient of the infamous "love you but am no longer in love with you" speech given to me by my H. I felt as though my whole world was crashing down around me and yet he appeared to be so very even-keeled and in total control of the situation. I felt as though I was losing my mind and I could barely function as a mother for those first few days after he told me. <P>Over the next few days we talked and he came to the conclusion that he didn't know what he wanted to do about our marriage. My boss referred me to MB and Dr. Harley. I began posting and getting advice from people here and I counseled alone with Dr. Harley because H. absolutely refused. Dr. Harley told me during my second session that H. was most likely involved in an affair of some sort (NO, not my H., he would never do a thing like that). I confronted him and he of course denied it all, once again being the one in control and I was left to be the bumbling idiot. I told him I thought he was depressed-YES, he claimed, that must be it, but because of his profession he would never seek help for it, NO, he was strong enough and in control enough to get through the depression all on his own. He just needed space from me, and lots of it. I complied and in the meantime researched everything about depression that I could get my hands on, not to mention reading all the Harley books and Dr. Phil's books too. I had an entire arsenal of self-help books under my side of the bed. I lived and breathed those topics for the next several months while he fence sitting. <P>The months rolled by while I desperately struggled with Plan A which was extremely difficult for me (just ask JL, KAM, and Mike C-2) and before you knew it October was upon us and H. came home one night (very late of course, which had become the norm) and calmly announced that he was no longer going to have sex with me because he did not want to give me "false hope" about our marriage. He was so sedate about the whole topic and once again, I fell apart.<P>I complied with his wishes and before you knew it X-Mas time had rapidly approached and H. was never around (always working OT you know, and driving around until all hours of the morning because that was what he considered to be his "therapy") and he didn't even have a clue what "we" purchased as gifts for his parents, our friends, and yes, even our very own children. He was as surprised as they were when the gifts were opened. I was doing all I could to try to keep our family together for what I thought would most likely be our last X-Mas together as a family. <P>I spent New Year's Eve alone with our children while (you guessed it) H. was working! It was like living a bad nightmare, no matter how hard I tried to help our marriage it just kept getting worse, so much worse in fact that H. had become verbally abusive and extremely critical toward me and when I brought it to his attention he claimed (and still claims) that HE is in no way abusive and I am exaggerating again. <P>Over the holidays I had started to feel as though maybe he really was having an affair and I started to keep even more of a watchful eye on him. I began questioning him and he knew I was getting close to the truth but he acted so nonchalant about the whole thing and I was barely hanging on by a thread. <P>FINALLY, on January 6th he confessed to having an affair! I was totally blown away! I wanted him out and he wanted to stay. He stayed and he said goodbye to the OW, or so I thought. He wouldn't go to counseling, wouldn't read any books, HE could get through it all on his own. I began counseling with Harley again and he agreed to one Harley session, and after that, he stopped trying to make things work. He committed himself and uncommitted himself to working on our marriage about three times since D-Day. Oh yeah, and he managed to stay in contact with OW the entire time after D-Day. Supposedly she has job transferred out of state and supposedly she has easily replaced H. with a new victim, all while still being married herself. <P>Anyway, it has been a year that I would never want to repeat again, it has unquestionably been the most horrific experience of my entire life! I must say that the tables have turned though, and I am now the one who has the stable thoughts, and am calm and in total control. H. is now the one who is bumbling around like a lost cause and changes his mind like the wind about everything. He is supposedly in counseling and I truly hope it does him some good and that he can once again become a whole person.<P>Time has stood still for me long enough and I have begun living again and am planning my future, one of which H. will be omitted from. He is having a hard time accepting why I want such a quick(??) divorce but is willing to give it to me. <P>Even though MB has not helped me to save my marriage it has helped me to save my sanity, and to become a much stronger person, one who can survive alone and actually thrive. Even H. has credited MB with giving me "too much self-esteem". I totally feel as though I have come full circle with my situation emotionally and very soon literally (once the divorce is final). <P>It is my hope that this post helps at least one person in some way!<p>[This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited July 20, 2001).]

WOC,<P>I read this thread and I didn't know whether to cry or smile. Can you tell me which one I should be doing? <P>I am so happy that you have sorted out the many things that have happened in the last year. I am so glad that you seem to be comfortable in your chosen path.<P>I am so sad that the marriage you worked so hard to preserve has failed. I feel for your children and for you, and yes even your H. He lost also big time and from what you say he knows it. There is no heavier weight than failure and he knows it.<P>In any event, I hope you are well and can come help some people out here. You clearly know the drill.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B><BR>I read this thread and I didn't know whether to cry or smile. Can you tell me which one I should be doing? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I still want to cry for my children, they, as all children, deserve to grow up in a home with two stable, loving parents, and that is the part that still chokes me up, but I do know that they will be just fine, I will see to it that they are!<P>So I would say for the most part that smiling is what you should be doing! It is so very fitting that you are the first person to respond to this thread because you were the first person to respond to me when I began posting last year...thank you so much for all your help and patience, you truly have made a difference in my life over the past year! I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I hadn't found MB and educated myself. I do still have my days but for the most part I am in a very good and peaceful place!!

Hi WOC,<P>Yes, I agree that although MB didn't help me save my marriage when I came, I did become a better person, was able to keep my sanity (sometimes ) and I will use the concepts to make my current marriage LAST!!<P>Best wishes to you as you embark on this new road. It's rough too, but in a different way.<P>Take care, Sheryl