I've had an emotional day. I can't stop crying. My H was here for about 4 hours this AM, helped with loading and hauling off some yard stuff to the landfill. (Talk about nervous energy, I singlehandedly disassembled and took down 200 or so yards of chainlink fence.) Also mowed front acre and 1/2, sprayed 2 gallons of roundup, put out 3 loads of mulch and whacked down any rouge weed I could find.<P>I have become possesed with staying so busy I can't think or feel. Today, however, I hit a breaking point. I noticed new car key on H's keys. He doesn't have a new car. Also discovered he was clean-shaven ( and I don't mean above the neck). We actually had a pretty good morning, except for my semi-nervous breakdown in the Waffle House bathroom. I just can't get a grip. The funny thing is that I just wrote him a letter that said I would avoid having emotional breakdowns when he was around. I hadn't seen him since he got the note until today.<P>I really thought I was stronger than I am. For the past 4 months since he moved out, I have been desparate to feel included in his plans. Two weekends ago, I go to movies with them and one AM this week and this AM we went out to eat as a family. Now I'm reconsidering my decision. It just hurts too bad. Can anyone tell me how to turn off my heart for a little while? I am so miserable. I can longer pretend to be fine, work on myself ( Plan A , yada, yada, yada). I have some personality flaws that tend to make me an extremist. I'm an all or nothing person. But in the case of my relationship with my H, neither of these is satisfying me. I miss him terribly when he doesn't call or come by. I still pull in driveway hoping to see his truck. <P>God help me be stronger. Now, when he is around, it feels so good to have him work with me on things, such as yard stuff, shopping for school supplies, etc. But when he leaves it just rips my heart out even worse. I can't find a balance.<P>I've heard all the stuff about personal boundaries, etc and I just can't leave him out of my life right now. Yes, it hurts to let him still come into my bed and then leave , but my alternative is painful too. I know on some level he still loves me. He says he will always have "feelings" for me. My feelings are interfering with my quality of life. <P>I think I sunk to a new low tonight. I sat in the parking lot of his plant to see if he was lying about going to work tonight. When he showed up and pulled in beside me, I just lost it. I didn't beg or try to make him feel guilty. I just cried alot, told him how sorry I was that I was there and how I was really trying to be strong but I missed him so much it hurt. I know I shouldn't have been there, that it will only make him feel trapped but I litterally thought I was going nuts today because I keep crying and can't stop. How can I learn to live without him when I can't stop loving him?<P>Even though I'm about 99% positive he is having an affair, I still can't get hurt enough to harden my heart. If anything my heart is just breaking. I'm sorry to be having this breakdown on-line but this forum is the only support I have at this time. He denies any OW and my foolish heart wants to believe him. When will this end?<P>I don't want to call my mom, its too late and I really can't discuss all this with her anyway. She was divorced by my Dad due to another woman, who is now my step-monster (thanks to St. Elmo's fire to that one). My situation forces my mom to relive her nightmare and it hurts me too much to hurt her. I know she loves me and that is enough to know that if I need her, she will be there.<P>My main problem is that while I appear to be Ms Independent, I'm really a sad lonely desperate women who loved and needed her H much more than she ever knew. Now it seems too late. It hurts him to see me upset but I can't hide it. Should I just avoid him? <P>Sorry again for the long post. I needed to get all this out or I would never rest tonight. <P>L

Peoplepleaser:<P>My heart goes out to you. I was in your exact spot two years ago except mine was due to another woman, my sister-in-law to be exact. I know the intense pain and hollowness you feel and it is such a helpless, sick feeling. I send you tons of hugs.<P>Let me tell you that it does get better. I know it's hard to hear, but with time, the feelings get easier. What helped me the most was no contact whatsoever. My STBX H did the same thing coming over to do yardwork etc, expecting us to still do family things. I couldn't do it and although it almost killed me, it was the best thing because I moved forward whereas before, I was standing still in the grip of the pain it was causing.<P>Right now, I am having some problems, but I realize that it is from the custody battle he is putting me through and not from missing him.<P>Take care of you and be kind to yourself!!!<P>Peace and Love,<BR>D

Peoplepleaser,<P>I'm here for you too. With love and hugs, and all round understanding.<P> This is the hardest thing you will ever go through, and all the wonderful support and love from everyone here helps. As does the wisdom and the wise words. But unfortunately, only you can decide what your course of action must be.<P>The one thing I will say at this point, is be true to yourself. Don't berate yourself for crying, or feeling this way. You have every right to feel as you do.<P>I can so clearly remember the days of feeling exactly as you are now - how I got through them I'll never know. But I did and you will too. I remember the days when I couldn't even think about what to wear, let alone make any life changing decisions. I existed in a world of "what is he doing, where is he, and who is he with" - exactly where you are now.<P>But you have the benefit of finding this site before it's too late and we'll help you. You're not alone. We're here with you, every step of the way.<P>take care, try and get some sleep and now that we're all thinking and praying for you<P>hugs<P>Jo

Whatever & Bonnet,<P>Thanks so much. I felt so desperately lonely tonight. I went to bed but got back up to revisit here. My mind won't stop racing and I still have bouts of sobs out of no where. It's much too late to "take a pill", don't want to miss church in the am. Might anyway if I don't try again to sleep. Right now, however, my 5 year old son and my springer spaniel and the cat are all in my bed. Looks like it might be a crowded night afterall. I should have been more specific earlier as I was crying out to God for someone to sleep next to. Good night all..... and God Bless......L

I am very sorry you ar eso sad. No advise from me, just a big hug. I am up and here with you right now.<P>Michelle

I am very sorry you are so sad. No advise from me, just a big hug. I am up and here with you right now.<P>Michelle

Hi PP ~<P>(((((hugs))))) I've been where you are at - this time last year, I was in a difficult pregnancy and trying to take care of 2 small boys by myself while my H ran around with his OW, spending money on her that we needed for bills, taking her on vacations he'd NEVER taken me on. I can completely understand how badly you are hurting. Most of us here have been there.<P>You haven't learned how to detach yet, and it's eating you alive. Add into the mix that you have set absolutely no boundaries to take care of yourself...and this is the result. <P>Here is a link on Detaching with Love: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002911.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002911.html</A> <P>IMHO, until you have learned some ability to detach from your H's actions, you need to set some boundaries to take care of yourself. <P>What do you need right now? (No, the answer is NOT "I need my H to come home and love me.") <P>Your H is doing what he is doing. You need to face this reality. NOTHING you can do will stop it. But you can take care of yourself. What do you, PP, need?<P>Many times, in my situation, I needed not to be in the presence of my H because it was too painful. In those cases, I drew boundaries. Yes, he could see the kids whenever he asked. But I didn't let him into my home whenever he felt like it, and certainly not into my bed.<P>Did I want and need sex? Absolutely. Did I want his company and companionship? Completely. But his behavior was so destructive towards me that his presence ripped me apart. <P>Those boundaries protected me. You need to protect you. Who else will? Not your H!!!<P>I worked on me. I learned how to detach when I did have to spend time with him. I learned how to smile, how to be pleasant, and NOT bring up the OW.<P>Your H will never want to come home to a weeping, crying, hysterical woman who clings to him.<P>Didn't I suggest the Dobson book on Tough Love? I think you probably need to run to the nearest book store TODAY and start reading.<P>Right now, what you are doing, is enabling your H. Your lack of boundaries is not only hurting you terribly, but is creating a comfortable environment for unacceptable behavior. <P>Why on earth would your H want to change? He gets the freedom of bachelordom while living on his own...and the benefits of marriage whenever he wishes. He's got it made!!<P>Those benefits of marriage are supposed to come hand in hand with honor, respect, obligation and commitment. He's not doing much of any of that is he?<P>Your H can change, many other Hs in your same exact situation HAVE changed. But today, you need to accept the reality that this is who he is, and that you need to start taking care of you. <P>With those boundaries in place, you'll feel calmer...really you will. You'll be able to put your focus where it needs to be...on you. That's when you can start to put together a Plan A, and be the best possible YOU that you can be. <P>When your H experiences a successful Plan A, he may be encouraged and think that there is a chance for rebuilding, and want to come home. BUT, maybe he won't. He may never come home. But that Plan A, will have made YOU a stronger person, and you'll be in a better position to handle whatever comes next.<P>Hang in there and keep posting. You WILL survive this.<P>Oh and btw, you know that little commandment: Love others as you love yourself????<P>Us codependent people pleasers twist it around and we put it into practice by "Loving others more and instead of ourselves."<P>God loves you. If GOD thinks you are worth care, love and respect, don't you think you ought to give those things to youself?<P>If you put as much effort into loving yourself as you love your H, you will be surprised at the beautiful person that emerges! (((((((hugs)))))))

There is no requirement for you to deny how you feel...none whatsoever. The only thing that is required of you is to stop trying to control how <B>he</B> feels.<P>People will tell you that you need to detach, move on, etc. That is not true. What you need to do is to establish and maintain your identity as a person. You can still love him, you can still wish that he return, you can still take actions (not like those you are taking now, however) that support his return. There is a huge difference in what I am saying, and what I am seeing, so I apologize for not communicating it properly.<P>BTW, my XW is changing how she responds to me a great deal these days. I see her moving away from her anger, etc. and she is making concessions to allow for my feelings...she is beginning to reach out to me with some respect, which is downright odd, considering my situation. I can't help but believe that it is because of my efforts, and prayers.<P>I do hope that you get a little peace from God. That will allow you to handle things better. It has helped me a great deal, and I am more comfortable being 'by myself'. When you try to imagine it all fixed at once, you will get that feeling of despair. If you just try to fox a little at a time, its far more manageable, and you can see the tiny shifts that you are missing now.<P>This weekend, you got some of that, but the side you see is that he is assuaging his guilt, etc. <B>Aside from not being true, it is causing you to take three steps back in this process. Remember the 5% club.</B><P>Its a lot like DK! You figure one little thing out, and it makes you feel good...the process is more enjoyable, and you create a snowball effect. At some point, it will all come tumbling down for him, and he will be in a position to return. Make that the safest option possible by not trying to control him now.<P>I'm so sorry for your pain...I know how you feel to a very real extent. When I get that way, I lay down on the floor, or otherwise humble myself, and I talk to God. Not crying out mind you...this is not a self pity party. I admit my failings, ask for some healing, and give it to God.<P>I am going to pray very diligently for you specifically this week...please do the same. Pray for healing, and peace. Pray a hedge of thorns to protect you H. Pray for God to reach out to him, pray for peace for H, do not pray for H's return now....God want him to return, he wants you two to be married...you already made the vows, now is the time to prove that you are both worthy of them.<P>Take care, peoplepleaser...there is nothing wrong with being a peoplepleaser, despite what you are being told. -Mike

Thanks to everyone who responded to my desparate outpouring of emotion. I was doing so much better but yesterday was just a minor setback. I hope I didn't do too much damage to my husband seeing me getting on with my life. He can't ignore the fact that he has hurt me and that I am still in pain. I just hate that I showed it is such a pityful way. I think it was mainly hormone induced along with a little physical exhaustion from starting my own landscaping service, ha, ha. <P>I feel somewhat better today and have read 2 chapters of the Boundaries book. Yes, this book was written for me as it describes me to a tee. I hope later chapters can give some good instructions on how to change this pattern of behavior in a positive way. I just cannot see myself changing so drastically quickly. I have reread some of my posts and I understand how some of you could think I was totally being taken advantage of in my marriage. Most of my friends(the few I have) think that he had it made. However, I have always been able to see both sides of the story. I did put my job, the kids, my dog, etc in front of him sometimes. Mainly because he never made it clear to me what he intentions were or what he really wanted. I think in order for our marriage to have a chance, I have to change my ways, sure but he also will have to learn to express his feelings/emotions, likes/dislikes, etc. I have been assumming a lot and appartently assuming incorrectly. That I suppose is my biggest flaw, I try to guess what someone wants based on my prior knowledge of them and then do what I think they would want. So often I am wrong.<P>Anyway, as far as setting these boundaries, I am still so confused. Some people have responded that I shouldn't let my H so close to me as it only causes me pain. Then again, I was in a tremedous amt of pain when he was not including me. I am trapped like many of you are being the rock and the hard place. Either of my choices hurts, but which one hurts less? Maybe it isn't the one that hurts less now but the one which causes the least damage longterm. I just don't know. If I had any idea what he was thinking or what was going on in his life, I might could accept things better. I have been told over and over, not to make demands or give ultimatums. The problem is that my H is not likely to do anything unless I force the issue. I just have to have patience and strength. <P>Thanks to those in this forum who listen and thanks again to those who take their time to respond. I know I am not in this alone and I know that I have to be the one to decide what is acceptable to me and what is best for me and my children. God knows that He has in His Plan for me and sometime I have to learn to shutup and listen. <P>Thanks again. This forum truly is blessed by God. I came upon it only because our preacher did his mothers day / fathers day sermon from HNHN's a few years ago. At this point, I don't know what I would do without this outlet for my emotions. <P>L.

Hi PP,<P>glad you're doing a 'tiny' bit better. It probably feels like a million times better doesn't it.<P>You need to focus on you, and do what you think you need to do in order to survive this.<P>Stop thinking and wondering what is going on his head - even if you ask you'll never get the truth!!! I know it's so much easier said than done - (how do you stop thinking about the one you love?) but do it you must.<P>While he is in his little fantasyland, nothing you say or do will make one scrap of difference. He needs to go through this process himself, and by himself. You cannot save him from this. It's like being a drug addict - they have to hit rock bottom and admit they need help before they even acknowledge there is a problem.....<P>That is the time that you can be there for him, if you so choose. When he has hit rock bottom. Anything you say and do before then will be seen as controlling and manipulating.<P>Set boundaries that you are comfortable with, without allowing him to walk all over you. Start being comfortable with just you. Prepare for your future as if it will be just you. And then if he comes back, you'll have the added bonus of having worked on you, accepted your part in all this (not the affair, but the state of your marriage) and you'll be a better stronger person.<P>This isn't making much sense, even to me. Some days I know what I want to say but it just won't come out right. <P>Take care of you, and here's a big hug for you<P>Jo<BR>

{{{{{peoplepleaser}}}}}<P>You are in too much of a crisis to be very effective, hon. In the scheme of healing, you are exactly where you should be, and I hope that comforts you. Your intense reactions speak of great love you hold in your heart, and your profound sadness in not being able to share it right now.<P>I have little to add to the wonderful words of advice given here. As I read of your distress and crying spells, I was moved to remember how I was once in that place you occupy now. I still go there on occasion, but I have learned to step away as time passed. As trite as it sounds, time is your ally.<P>For the time being, I think you should stay away from this man I see you love so much. I know his visits are wonderful, but his departures are torture. I suggest arranging child visitation pick up/drop off at a neutral place (I use the mall). <P>I am very emotional myself, but I am able to maintain a flat affect for short durations whenever necessary. This spares me my extreme range of emotions with some "mood latitude" in the aftermath. In other words, do what you can to keep your emotions from running amok. It is OK to feel sad and cry. It is OK to feel depressed and hopeless. If you feel yourself becoming extensively overwhelmed and overcome by your emotions, consider a visit with your physician and a therapist.<P>I think you are doing OK. And even if you can't see it, I think you will ultimately be fine. Do you keep a journal? Even a dime store spiral notebook will do. Write in it every day (like Oprah ). Recall negative events and feelings as well as positive ones. This might help keep you grounded while you recenter your life. You are fragile right now, so protect yourself from unnecessary negativity until your shield grows strong once again.<P>Blessings to you,<BR>Nell

Feeling better tonight. Everyone's responses were encouraging. I really needed the boost. Thanks. I am very sad about having to detach myself from my H but I am beginning to see I have to have some kind of rules. I will not turn my back on him or not be there to support him if he needs me but I think I will leave it up to him to ask for help or for my time. I still don't know how we will ever be able to establish "rules" unless I just write up a proposal and give it to him. He just isn't interested in sitting down to discuss the reality of the kids, bills, etc. <P>I think my tackling all the yard work at once, I've become a bit overwhelmed. I also have a $400+ car insurance bill that I can't pay on time. This is the first time I truly haven't had the money to pay something. It is scary. I'm not trying to be pitiful or anything because I know I'm extremely lucky to have what I have and I am truly thankful for my children. I just get overwhelmed trying to take care of the house and yard. Also, this week I finally went to PI and I suppose I'm afraid of really finding out what is going on with my H. Even though I'm pretty sure there is someone else, I know my heart will break when I finally see pictures of him with someone else. <P>I suppose I will have to sell the house as there is noway I can take care of it by myself. Much too much "man" work. The pasture fence always needs a new board, some tree will die and need to be cut up, he left the bushhog but took the tractor, not that I could have handled it anyway. I need a place that is much more low maintainence. I will probably move nearer my mom but that means changing schools for my kids. Another major change may not be good for them now. Actually I'm really worried about them because they are not talking about their Dad much anymore. Our D (10) is especially quiet and I'm sure she is hurting but doesn't know how to express it. She adores her Dad and I don't think she can bear to think about him leaving her. It has been 4 months now. Is it time to get my D in counseling yet? I don't want to push her but I know she may explode one day if she keeps her emotions bottled up. Any good ideas/books etc? <P>I thought I might take a break from posting for a while until I figure out how to move forward. Seems like you guys are always giving me great advice and things to think about but I'm spending so much time complaining about where I am, I can't put any of the great ideas to use in my life. Over the next two weeks, I hope to become more stable in my emotionals. I'm sure somedays will be better than others but I will go back and re-read my posts and your answers. There is a lot to absorb from what I've read so far. I'm sure I will read other posts here and will try to be helpful to others if I can. I just will shut up about my own sorrows for a while. <P>Me? shut up, yeah right! L

Hi Peoplepleaser:<P>Just checking in on ya to see how the day was going. I know it is hard, but you will get through it...have faith girl, it can move mountains!!<P>One thing I did with my son is get a counsellor at school and it did him wonders. He is finally letting his emotions out now. Good luck with whatever you choose and I hope she starts feeling better too.<P>Peace and Love,<BR>D