HOW can I get my wife to slow down, get out of withdrawal and wait on the divorce so I can show her changes in me and our lives? She thinks no use and no changes will happen on me.<P>------------------<BR>

You can't

....but, you can get some perspective, and ask the <I>more correct questions</I>.<P>1. What are my LBs?<BR>2. How do I get her to move from withdrawal back to conflict?<BR>3. What do I want from life/marriage?<BR>4. How do I establish my identity separate from the relationship?<P>These will create some solutions, and even more questions. You are in the 'fish on the beach' portion of this. You will do far better, and be more successful once you are in the next phase of this process. Don't waste any time trying to slow her down...You may think (both of you) that you know 'where she is speeding off to' (a life with you not in it), but she is speeding toward a realization that she does not have it all figured out, you are not 100% to blame, and that she really does love you. The only thing that you have control over right now is you, and your reactions to what whe does/does not do. In the fish stage, you will get it all wrong, and that <B>will</B> slow her down from the real realizations...in fact it will speed her up....do I lie? Thinl about the past ____ months/years...tell me I am wrong here!<P>Get smart, friend....read...read...read. Do not try to control her.<P>God is there for you, I suggest you go to him, and find out what he wants from you. -Mike

Dear Tompat,<P>Please don't wait for all of that to happen with your w before you show her your changes. Just show her your changes. Be patient, and know that this may or may not save your marriage. If it does, great, if it doesn't you are still improving yourself and your life. A win/win situation.<BR>You can only change you not her. Take the time to read the helpful posts on this board, many of which certainly focus on what you are experiencing.<P>all the best,<BR>hopefulheart

Nice post, Hopefulheart...but it takes four to six weeks for someone to be convinced of changes on the average, and more in some cases.<P>Tompat...I have posted on both of your threads today...for a reason. You might not like what I am saying, but that betrays your impatience, which I suspect leads to LB type behavior...angry outbursts, unreasonable expectations, etc.<P>I have not been here long...about three months, but a couple of times a week, someone comes on here with the same dilemma...I did, too...'how do I slow this down'...I repeat...'you can't'. You set this in motion long ago...it happened slowly...only now do you 'see it', and you don't like what you see...neither does she, and she will not slow down just because you say so. You have repeatedly said that you will change, and have not...ask yourself honestly...does she have a point? If she does, then quit trying to manipulate her, she sees that, and it makes her go faster. If she doesn't, then she is deluding herself...you still can't slow her down.<P>Your life is telling you that you need to change...your wife is a bit beside the point right now.<P>I'm sorry for that, but I want you to be successful here, so I am telling you as a cyberfriend...fix your self-esteem issues...she will respect that! -Mike

Tompat,<P>When my W first moved out, she said she wanted D ASAP. I told her I would fight her in court on everything - just to slow things down. I asked her just to take things slowly, that I wanted to save our marriage etc. For her, the thought of battling it out in court was really frightening. I didn't want to scare her - just discourage her from that course a little. She was really afraid of losing custody of the baby - afraid that I would bring up the fact that she has been suicidal at times (one time while pregnant). For whatever reasons, she slowed down. I told her I would never take the baby away from her - that she was a great Mom and the baby needs her more than me. I think that calmed her fears a little.<P>More importantly, I backed off. I quit calling her, chasing her. She then started thinking and slowed down. Does your W work? Does she have expectations of alimony or child support? My W went to a lawyer and maybe was surprised at how little she could expect to recieve. Maybe that worked on her too. Anyway, I really think that if you chase her, she will run faster. At least that was my experience.<P>-AD

I know, I know about chasing and leaving her alone, I have not been able to do that. How?????? And she has asked me to do that.....so hyper and alone....yes I know too much cnetered on her.<P>------------------<BR>

Tompat,<P>I'm right there with you. All the posts on this board ( especially W-F-H) have really opened my eyes and helped me to see what I need to do. <P>I just need to know how to do it!!! If anyone has a place to start let me know. I am hoping to get in a small support group, possibly a First Place program at church again. It is a Christ-centered weight loss program but the main thing it teaches is putting Christ first in all aspects of life, emotionally, spiritually, physical, and mentally. I have done this in the past before my son was born ( lost 40 lbs then got pregnant) and I never felt closer to the Lord. <P>I agree with WFH on this subject, read all you want, post all you want and listen and absorb the responses but make sure you allow God to help you during this time. We are not capable of handling this without him. The follwing helps me daily(taped to my monitor):<P>You say: "It's impossible"<BR>God says: "All things are possible" Luke 18:27<P>You say "I'm too tired"<BR>God says " I will give you rest" Matthew 11:28-30<P>You say "Nobody really loves me"<BR>God says " I love you" John 3:16 and John 13:24<P>You say " I can't go on"<BR>God says "my grace is sufficient" II Corinithans 12:9 & Psalms 91:15<P>You say " I can't figure things out"<BR>God says "I will direct your steps" Proverbs 3:5-6<P>You say " I can't do it"<BR>God says " You can do all things" Phillipiams 4:13<P>You say "I'm not able"<BR>God says " I am able" II Cornithians 9:8<P>You say "It's not worth it"<BR>God says " It will be worth it" Romans 8:28<P>You say " I can't forgive myself"<BR>God says" I forgive you" I John 1:9 and Romans 8:1<P>You say "I can't manage"<BR>God says " I will supply all your needs" Phillippians 4:19<P>You say " I'm afraid"<BR>God says "I have not given you a spirit of fear" II Timothy 1:7<P>You say "I'm always worried and frustrated"<BR>God says "Cast all your cares on ME" I Peter 5:7<P>You say "I don't have enough faith"<BR>God says "I've given everyone a measure of faith" Romans 12:3<P>You say " I'm not smart enough"<BR>God says " I give you wisdom"<P>You say " I feel all alone"<BR>God says " I will never leave you or forsake you" Hebrews 13:5<P><BR>Lynn<P>

<<<B>I know, I know about chasing and leaving her alone, I have not been able to do that. How??????</B>>><P>Why don't you get yourself a puppy? Now there's something to keep you busy and chase after! If that don't appeal to you, try some sport or hobby that allows you to tap into your hyper nature, like parachuting or skin diving. Find something to occupy your time--a lot of time!<P>Tick tock,<BR>Nell

tompat,I agree with the other posters here. The only person you can change is yourself so figure out something that will help you to focus on yourself and leave her alone for a while. Not only will this give her some breathingroom, but it will help you feel better, slowly, but surely. Chasing her will just push her farther away.

tompat...BTW, nice website! You and your W look very handsome together, I see why you are wanting to fight so hard. Trouble is, the way you fight is a bigtime LB right now. Put your shoulder to the wheel, and sell like there's no tomorrow! (Be ethical, however, the Big Guy is watching you!) You can do this...you said it yourself, she thinks that you won't be able to make your business fly...we both know better, don't we? C'mon, Tom...the clock's ticking, get that business going gangbusters...I can help...I know how to do websites, gim'me a shout, I'll help you out! mtb@mikeblake.net <B>Let's get busy!</B> Read Zig Ziglar...he can sell a 'ketchup popsicle to a lady wearing white gloves.' -Mike

This is a mirror image of my marriage/divorce right now. I need to hear all of this feedback as well. Thank all of you for your responses to Tompat (Especially yours, waiting_for_her). They might as well have been to me .<P>Tompat, I have nothing figured out other than I should have quit reacting to my own pain & loneliness when we were separated. If I had she wouldn't be wanting a divorce right now. Now, I can only become the person I want/need to be. If I do my outlook at worst is that I will be teaching my children the "right" way to be (as opposed to the controlling, angry, dissrespectful person I once was). At best my wife will truly see that I am who she has always wanted me to be and that I really do love and respect her.<P>It took a long time to screw up our marriage. Hopefully, she will see the progress and want to give us another chance in much less time.