<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>In another thread, waiting_for_her wrote:<BR>Don't waste any time trying to slow her down...You may think (both of you) that you know 'where she is speeding off to' (a life with you not in it), but she is speeding toward a realization that she does not have it all figured out, you are not 100% to blame, and that she really does love you. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Man, I hope you're right. As of this moment, my wife is over at her new house, painting the living room and moving a bed that one of her friends gave her into the bedroom. Divorce is all but certain- she hasn't say the words "I want a divorce" to me yet, but everything else she's done says she's in full withdrawal from our marriage and our home. I tried to slow her down, and it did no good- I'd try to tell and show her I loved her, and she'd just say it made her feel guilty and pressured because she didn't love me anymore.<P>She's having a (as far as I can tell) one-sided EA with an old friend who looked her up (after 12 years) about a year ago. I just heard he's thinking of moving out of this metro area (one of his Xs lives in a small town 100 miles north, and another lived in a far western suburb). I don't know if I'd rather he go away completely, or if they'd would just get the affair over with- go to bed already, break the spell, and then realize you can't build any sort of a life with him. <P>Anyway, my worry is that the STBXW will get into her house, not have the EA partner with her, not have the support she's used to from me, have financial difficulties, work problems, etc.- but instead of saying "hmmm... maybe my life was better before," she's just get depressed. <P>I know, I know- if that happens, I'll just have to continuing getting on with my life. But it's hard to look at her so detachedly.

You and me both, brother! If I'm wrong about that one, then shame on us all!<P><B>One of his Xs?</B> Yeah, run there...that'll work! My XW's OM is divorced, and lives with his mother that left him, his sisters, and their dad when he was young. Personally, I'm glad that she chose him, and his sisters. The veneer is coming off of that one in a quick hurry. Good for me.<P>Your wife still loves you, its just buried under a lot of pain right now. Time will heal that. Plan A/Plan B...keep making those deposits, man. Not the pressuring type, just be friendly, over-agree with her (when you can), and don't talk to <I>anyone</I> about it. You cannot strip her in front of others, and expect it not to go straight back to her. I learned some things the hard way (Not that one, thank God!), and its taken me some serious effort to get back to good with her. We're there now, but its a long way from restored.<P>The single most profitable investment that I have made in years was to spend about $95 on the Restore Ministries' Men's Restoration Packet, and start to live that process. There are parts that I've yet to fully integrate, I'm not perfect, but I feel much better as a result of going through the process. You can just get the two books for under $40, and they make a lot of sense to me. If you can afford it, I highly recommend you make a similar investment. Fair warning, it takes a pretty heavy committment, and you will have to drop some preconceived notions...but its mostly stuff that you probably already realize. For example, no lawyer. People have trouble with that one, but my XW did all the paperwork, and we have a pretty equitable settlement, with the possible exception of child support...but that is because she makes less than $10,000...then again, I have no income at all right now!<P>Anyway, DBT...you seem like a good man in a rough patch...that just stinks. I wish that I could help in some tangible way, but I am praying for you...know that. -Mike<P>P.S. Off topic, but I see that you are from Minneapolis...are you a Vikings fan? I'm stuck here south of you with all of these Bears/Packers fans...who are very quiet these days, but...anyway, maybe when I get a little more solvent, I could make a trip up north, and we could get together?<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 22, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR>One of his Xs? Yeah, run there...that'll work! <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>She has this "soul-mate" thing running through her head. She fell for him in 1988 (as he was getting thrown out by X#1), he rejected her for the woman who became X#2, 12 years later he looks her up to start a friendship. She thinks that's a sign from the start that they belong together. Love conquers all, that sort of thing. <P>The only soul-mates I know are people who have been together so long that they know each other inside and out, not people who disappear from each others' lives for a decade or so. My STBXW and I could be "soul-mates" in another 10 years, if we could stick it out. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Your wife still loves you, its just buried under a lot of pain right now. Time will heal that. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Exactly what I've told friends, family, co-workers, etc. I love her; she loves me, but she just doesn't realize it. <P>I didn't have a name for what she was doing- withdrawal- until I read it here. Then things started to make sense. I could look around our home and see the garden that we had made for her in the backyard, lying untended and weedy. I can remember the times I tried to make my love clear to her and was deflected. One night, I sat down with her and gave her the chance to rip on me- I said "you've told me that you've had to stuff away some disappointments, some negative feelings about me, and I think we need to talk about those, get them out into the open." She told me she didn't think that rehashing the past would be useful. That's withdrawal, friend. I have to go read up on Intimacy/Conflict/Withdrawal again.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Anyway, DBT...you seem like a good man in a rough patch...that just stinks. I wish that I could help in some tangible way, but I am praying for you...know that. -Mike<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My profound thanks. I appreciate the way you've responded to just about everything I've posted, and your suggestions and reflections have been useful. I'm keeping your difficulties in mind, as well. Good luck to you...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>P.S. Off topic, but I see that you are from Minneapolis...are you a Vikings fan? I'm stuck here south of you with all of these Bears/Packers fans...who are very quiet these days, but...anyway, maybe when I get a little more solvent, I could make a trip up north, and we could get together?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>...even if you are a Vikings fan. Though I'm in Minneapolis, I'm a Milwaukee-born and bred cheesehead. I was baptized at halftime of the Packers' 1962 championship victory of the NY Giants (not on the field, I mean, my parents and the priest just planned the ceremony so that everyone involved could watch the game). But if you ever come up to Minneapolis, look me up anyway.<P>