I think I am at a turning point in my life. I live in a very small town where everyone knows everyone else's business. I moved here with my husband and his family to start a new life after our farm went bankrupt back in the "80's" - so I have lived here for 16 years. I am now in the situation of deciding whether to move back to my home state or to stay here and live through years of degradation and embarresment. Everywhere I go, people look at me with pity in their eyes. Everyone knows my H and his GF. They know that I was a good wife - my H tells everyone this - but I am just not the one for him now. I am in agony in the place. I have NO family here at all. I have really no support here that doesn't in some way belong to him. I feel like I am losing my mind. I thought I could stay here and live here until my youngest (10 yrs. old) finishes high school, but I am coming to the realization that I am not strong enough to do that. My H is very upset that I am considering moving - "taking his kids away." I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS!! I just can't keep living this life anymore. My H has not filed for divorce, but does not want to work on the marriage. I feel like this could go on for ever. He moved out 14 months ago and has not made any attempt at reconciliation. I truly am so torn as to what to do. Neither of my children - girl (15), boy (10) want to move. Would lose all friends and their support system, but I am getting to the point of insanity living here. I have been very emotional the last few days - "the crazies" is what I call them. I know I have LB'ed big time over the last couple of weeks. I just feel like I am losing control of myself and can't seem to slow it down. My entire life has been tossed aside like garbage for the "love of another woman." When is he ever going to come out of this fog. He is willing to lose everything for this woman and his fantasy. He doesn't care that he looks like a fool to everyone. He doesn't care of how foolish he makes me look for wanting to hold on to my marriage. I feel like such a fool!!<P>Tina

Tina...pride is a terrible thing.<BR>I know how you feel. I, too moved 900 miles from my family to start a new one some 18 years ago. I live in a small town, and I daresay that most of the town knew about my XW's affair and my impending divorce before I did. To make matters worse, her OM was consoling me about the situation while she was chasing him! It gets worse, but that is another matter.<P>This is not easy by any means, but you need to lose the pride...completely. Moving away will still put you with yourself...regardless of what transpires, you will still have this unresolved issue in your life...it will continue to plague you. You will take that baggage everywhere. Plus, you will still have to deal with him/her. You need to come to the realization that what he is doing has little to do with you, and everything to do with him. When you get those looks, you have a choice...you can either be shamed by them, or you can react to them in some other way. The things you hold tightly to will bind you up. I used to feel shame whenever I got those looks, but lately I have taken to starting a conversation with people. The OM's sister gives me those looks, and I always ask her if her son has found work yet. That usually embarasses her...not my intent, but she doesn't give me the puppy dog eyes anymore. I never wanted these people's pity, but I'd have appreciated it if they hadn't facilitated my XW's affair, or helped me out...do you think that they call, or stop by? No, they do not...they are supporting her. I guess that's okay by me, I really have stopped caring about that. Time will be the equalizer here, and there, too.<P>Most folks will tell you to hold your head high, I will not try to feed you that, because as I said, pride is a sinful thing...it is what leads to embarassment. You need to be comfortable with yourself, just not too full of yourself. Let your kids stay where they are...its important that they be near him...<B>plus</B> his pride will work on him...give it some time...don't run away from it. Have some faith in God...in yourself...in your marriage...in your husband...and in the people in that small town. They will respect you for being you, not for being his wife. God bless you...I am praying for you. -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 23, 2001).]

Mike,<BR>You said some things that I needed to hear. I always thought I was a strong enough person to stay here, but after the last couple of weeks my strength is ebbing away. I guess I just need to regroup and hang in there. I guess I just get so lonely for my family. You would think after this long away from them those feeling would go away. Thanks for your words!!<BR>Tina

Hi Rdhead,<P> Have you you read Surviving An Affair? Harley advocates moving far away , once you are in Plan B (if you can). I think it is a torture to stay where you are and easy for him since he has both of you (his family and girlfriend).<P> Could you possibly get a counseling session with Steve Harley? I think he could help you out quite a bit. LU