Wow, was today a major challenge for me! <P>For over two months now, I have put off seeing my in-laws because my mother-in-law is trying to do everything possible to "fix" and control the relationship between my h and I. She is fully aware of the divorce pending and how things are progressing. My h and her talk weekly about this.<P>Finally, after numerous invites, I agreed to let them take us out to dinner because I am feeling so much stronger and ready to face the ending of my marriage. Trying to be a "family" with them was pushing me over the edge, grief-wise. The underlying agreement in our interactions is pretend like everything is just fine. I really needed breathing room and time to adjust. She tryed to push my boundaries so much but I held to them until I was ready to accept her offer.<P>At one point, she had a talk with me after dinner about how she is planning a big celebration for my husband's sister to celebrate an upcoming 25th anniversary. That will be in September and she wants me and my h there with our kids. I told her I couldn't commit to that because my h and I would have celebrated our 20th anniversary this October. I explained that it may stimulate too much pain for me. She replied, "We won't let you cry. And when your anniversary comes, we will do the same thing for you." I told her that is not going to happen. She said, "you don't know that." <BR>Then came a big lecture about what a wife is suppose to do and how everything needs to be worked out. Before she left our house she said to my h, "Don't give up, don't give up, don't give up."<P>I know she is having a hard time accepting the reality of our divorce. I can understand that. It took me a long time to accept it too. I just can't give her any false hopes or deny what is happening. She is lagging far behind us.<P>This is not the only place she has interfered. My h and I have managed to settle our entire divorce from start to finish on our own. Something I am truly amazed and proud of. No attorneys or mediators. We both decided to be fair with one another and this has pathed the way for what appears to be a friendship with each other. Within one month of my filing the papers, our settlement is completed.<P>Well my mother-in-law decided that this was not right and encouraged my h to see an attorney. She called him so many times about this that he finally flat out told her to stop treating him like a child. <P>About 3 months ago, she told him to take the checkbook I had for our whole marriage away from me and close this joint account. He went into my purse and took it without asking. This made the conflict between us accelerate so much. His anger towards me was out of control. He has serious issues and fears around money. I think she escalated those fears.<P>I have worked so very hard to make this divorce as peaceful and trusting as I can. I told my h I would not do anything regarding our divorce without telling him first. I promised to be open and fair with him. He has come around to that way of thinking also. Thankfully, everything has worked out beautifully but I AM SO TIRED OF HER TRYING TO PRY HER WAY INTO EVERYTHING THAT I COULD JUST SCREAM!!!!! (I guess I did just scream!)<P>I could talk about other things she has done but enough is enough. Thanks for listening to this. It's appreciated.<P>hopefulheart

Sounds like MIL is having some troubles on the denial front, don't judge her too harshly.<P>Sounds like H never cut the apron strings, either!<P>You know, people think that they are being helpful when they give advice...too bad.<P>Try not to take this stuff too personally...there is usually no intent in that respect, and it isn't going to help anyone, least of all you.<P>If you are set on the D, then just get the D...the rest is beside the point, and will cause everyone an extra measure of pain...nobody needs, or deserves that...<B>nobody</B>.<P>Take care, and relax some. You deserve some respite from your stress. God bless you. -Mike

Thank you, Waiting_For_Her,<P>Of course, your responses are accurate on all counts. <P>Intellectually I see all of what is going on with her. I accept her for the place she is in. I know I will need to deal with my feelings because there will be more from her on the horizon.<P>I notice that underneath my anger about her denial and "holding on" there is a great deal of pain for me. Reminders of what I am losing. Maybe I'd rather avoid that pain because I am so tired of feeling that way. I've spent two years in intense pain. I have been working so hard at rejoining life, rebuilding my inner-strength, and creating a life for myself as a soon to be single woman. I guess I'm closer to having that pain triggered than I realized. I just feel really sad right now. She wants us to continue to be a family and we can't seem to make that happen. It's a loss for everyone, including me.<P>What I most appreciated about your response, WFH, was the reminders you gave about taking care of me. I need that reminder sometimes, so thank you.<P>hopefulheart