Not in my house. My husband totally ignored mothers day. He didn't say HAPPY MOTHERS DAY; nor did he acknowledge it should be a special day. I got up and called my two boys who were at their dads for the weekend and went and picked them up and took my 3 children (by myself) for a buffet breakfast. It was really nice, then I went and took the boys back to their dads (they were going to his moms). My husband started working on our front porch at 8:30 am. I left again and took the baby to my moms for a visit and to get a haircut. I came home and cleaned house. My kids came home from their dads and I cooked a big dinner. My husband ate his on the front porch (didn't want to waste any precious time with us and needs to spend his day on the porch finishing it) and I gave the baby a bath, let the kids swim in the pool a while. At 9:00 I sat down and read a little (husbands still on the porch)and at 10:30 went to sleep. I woke up around midnite and he was still on the porch. What a "happy mothers day". He didn't even see his mom.

Why don't you tell him to take a hike? Do you enjoy being treated like that? You are just sitting and waiting for him to "do" something and he apparently is not going to. How does your youngest get along with your ex? Perhaps you should dump this H and get back with your old one (if that's even a possibility) At least they and you would have someone who is interested in the "family" unit. Apparently this one is not. I am so mad at him for doing you like that. What a wonderful son he is too - did he even call his mother? You know under God's law you are still married to your ex anyway. <P>------------------<BR>

WHAT? What do you mean that under Gods law I am still married to my ex??? Can you please explain that one to me? I thought for infidelity, divorce was granted.?<BR>My youngest son (3) thinks DAD hung the moon! He cherishes him with every breathing moment - thats what gets me.<BR>I wrote him a 5 page letter yesterday and left it for him last nite. I know he read it. This morning I found out (thru a friend) that he took my oldest son to school (he hasn't been taking him). Now thats not to say he didn't miss the bus or something, but I THINK and HOPE that some of what I said got to him? <BR>Explain the marriage to me ex to me please.

Daycare Disaster - <BR>Second Thoughts, NO NO NO I don't like being treated that way. I hate it. But am I wanting too much (mothers day)? I am not his mother. Though, he didn't do anything for his mom either, he just called her.<BR>My youngest (our) son is whats keeping me there, along with the comfortable life we live and the fear of messing that up for all my kids. Not good, huh? But see, he works from 8 am till around 9 at nite, so I don't have to be around him too much. I figure if I can stand him for the weekends, I can get thru this till my kids are old enough to be on their own. What do you think?

cndy, yea, that's it. just put your life on hold until your children grow up. it's not original, but it'll work. i recall as a boy hearing my mother tell of this or that couple staying together for the kids. i guess, in support of your idea, you aren't putting your whole life on hold. you're still rearing your children, you're enjoying your life with them, etc.. as long as you two are together there's hope you'll work things out and that would be the best, all around fix.<BR>btw, cndy, did you notice how closely daycare disaster's and my suggestion sound so much a like? i noticed your interest in daycare disaster's comment about your still married to your x in gods eye. now that should make it easier to get back with him. just kidding. hang in there. i'm on your side.

Frankie -<BR>Well as you "know" I have felt the guilt thing (in my heart as well as religiously) about divorce. I'm not a good interpreter of meanings (Biblical) - as everyone in every religion has a "different" point of view. Some say divorce is acceptable in Gods eyes for reasons; some say it isn't. I don't know if anyone but the maker himself REALLY has the answers to that. <BR>But, I do know God forgives. For that, if I did the wrong thing, he will forgive me. In his eyes, I don't know what is right and wrong (as far as the divorce and whats been done) but I know he can see that I am trying to maintain a commitment I made the second time around. The reason my marriage now is so difficult and painful now may be his way of punishing me. I probably deserve this - but I have no real way of knowing. Do you? Its his place to forgive me and no one elses. I still haven't forgiven myself - - - I've tried, but its tough. <P>Daycare - Have you told your spouse to take a hike? If so, what has happened and how did he react? <BR>Frankie - you too, same questions, how did your spouse respond?<p>[This message has been edited by Cndy (edited May 12, 1999).]

Cndy,<P>Well here's something that I hate to admit, but there have been many times when I feel the same way as you describe, that this is some kind of "punishment". You see, my current H was the OM. I was married before, very young and immature. After 1 year of marriage I was uncomfortable... lots of excuses you know, married for the wrong reasons...etc. Still trudged through for another year and half, and then started making alot of mistakes, one being having an affair, then the divorce and all the mess that goes with it... at least no kids were affected. After a couple years with my husband, I knew something was wrong, but I was not going to screw up again. I was going to keep this committment no matter what. I understand how you feel guilty about the past and not sticking it out, and I understand you persistence in this marriage and refusal to give up.<P>For me, alot of times I've felt this must be punishment for my terrible mistakes before, but I've started to try to believe that God is giving me the opportunity to learn, so I try to find the good in this. I have a beautiful daughter that I might never have had, in the past year I've begun developing a relationship with God, and actually feeling faith and comfort, I've learned to love and appreciate my parents instead of judging and criticizing them, I've learned to try to hold off on judging anyone too quickly and instead trying to find the good. Wish I could do better at this with my Husband, another hurdle to get past! So, instead of asking God, "why are you punishing me and when will it end?", I keep trying to ask him "what is it you want me to learn?"<P>Helps me... God bless.

YY - <BR>I think you are RIGHT!!! God is wanting us to learn - if not - none of this would have happened. I've learned too - like you, which is why I want my commitments to be just that - commitment. As long as I can feel that he really loves me, and I do, and as long as I love him, and I do, things just "have" to continue on the path of trying. I believe in the Plans A and Plan B - and I think some of these things have helped me so far and may be the reason my husband is showing "some" signs of improvement. To me, any sign right now is an improvement! You keep trying and I'll keep trying and maybe one day - we'll be on here boasting about how GREAT things are!

Cndy,<P>I'm with you there! This past weekend I was so down, but this time instead of praying for God to open his (H's) eyes, I asked him to help me open mine! I think he gave me about a millimeter, enough to really realize (not just understand the words) that I can only really control and change myself, and that it's not bad or selfish to act on my own behalf rather than just float along waiting for my H to wake up while watching my life pass by. I used to blame him for "p*ssing away my life", well my life isn't his responsibility is it. My ideal is that we can someday really share our lives with each other, the beer's got hold of him now... but who knows?<P>Take Care

cndy, i never told my w to take a hike. i was the unfaithful one, that is, the last one to be unfaithful. she had an affair many years ago. i've posted this somewhere else. if anything, she should suggested i take a hike. we are now living together and doing ok but not very good. in 2wks. i'll get the results of my aids test back and we can try sex. i'm not worried, about aids, but she's not taking any chances and i don't blame her. i did take some chances and would never forgive myself if i passed anything on to her.

Frankie - you'll do better. There is probably a lot of stress right now waiting on test results and such. Fortunately, for me, I haven't had to deal with infidelity, on my part or his - I know thats hard. My first marriage ended (I ended it) because my husband had a one night stand. I couldn't handle it. I was young, and probably could have worked it through if I'd of had enough sense to know that marriages DO survive affairs and such - but at the time alcohol abuse (his part too) was a big factor and he wasn't getting help for that. I felt it was all useless. Nevertheless, marriages CAN be built after affairs and such. Yours can too. Many may not agree with me, but if the love is there - it can work. <BR>Sometimes, when people tell me to tell my husband to TAKE A HIKE - I feel like thats a copout. Yeah, I would be rid of him as a problem, but what other problems would I encounter down the road of life? To me, with children and everything we have built - our communication, affection, and problems like that CAN be worked on - some problems can't. I know me and my boundaries - I didn't handle my ex's affair - couldn't - and I know I couldn't and wouldn't handle physical abuse. But when the problems are such as a hardheaded stubborn husband - I think with time and work (even if its resulting in baby step improvements) I can't throw the towel in. There is still too much inside me to do that. I WANT this family and marriage to work. I may vent my problems and worries here - but I'm gonna keep on trying.

cndy, good point, well taken. i think we start focusing on the bad points and forget the next person will have some hidden faults as well.

Frankie - <BR>I'm back to the "taking a hike" option sounding like the best. Of course, if he were to disappear it would be easier. Or if he were hit over the head with a bat. Or if he walked. Maybe I should look for the North Star tonite and make a wish ...?

cndy, wouldn't it be nice if you could just say stop and get on the roller-coaster?

I should stop and get OFF the rollercoaster and quit being so darned stubborn thinking that this thing is going to finally one day - work. My kids just don't mean enough to him. Some things you just can't make happen. But, to my own defense, its my fault I am where I am. I could have left this mess a long time ago and many things are keeping me hanging which are the things that shouldn't keep me hanging in. I'm hanging for the wrong reasons and could CHOKE that I don't have the guts to make him leave. I have too much FEAR of what he will do to me, my kids, and my life as far as making it miserable. He's not the nicest person to deal with. COULD YOU GUESS?

cndy, let's write about those reasons for staying and the problems your h could cause.<BR>why would he be a difficult person to deal with?

Frankie - <BR>Well, for one, my husband is really into our 3 year old. He would fight me till the bitter end for custody, he wouldn't work with me on anything in that regard, and I'm NOT willing to give up time with my son. Secondly, he has done so much work to our house (added on a porch, built in a pool, etc) that he would fight me tooth and nail for our house. I'm not willing to give up my house that me and my children live in. His past is secret service, drugbusting, investigating, and some pretty rough and yucky work - and he's sneaky. I just don't trust what he "might" cause me. I don't know what he'd do, but hes the type person I wouldn't want to mess with too much.<BR>So, my reasons for staying are FEAR of what I would face by leaving #1 my son, #2 my home, and thats really all.