ExH left for OW in November(abruptly) and never returned. He never even gave me a chance and has not spoke kindly to me since. Yes, I planned a and planned B. Nothing....I have been in counseling since December. What I don't get is I feel like I never existed at all to him and I am a repulsive human being. He has gotten rid of EVERYTHING that belonged to us. Even traded in his truck this last weekend-we both loved that truck. He married OW about a month ago-two weeks after our court date. I just do not get it. He never asks about me or anything. Its like I don't exist. He hasn't even called to check on this new income tax money that we are getting??!!!!! In court he even pronounce my name wrong. He used to be a real nice man and always treated me nice....than it all stopped....Has anyone else experienced such a rejection????? I am trying so hard to move on but first my parents do this to and then My H....sometimes I wonder whats wrong with me...I just can't get past these hurdles so I can move on....

When she was moving toward leaving and divorcing me, my XW professed that her biggest fear was that I would <I>"diss"</I> her out of my life. <P>Several months after the divorce, and feeling obligated by knowledge she had imparted to me during the marriage that a relative had attempted to molest her some-odd years ago (when she was about 13 or 14), I asked her to work with me to assure me that the information would be imparted to another relative with daughters approaching puberty, since the first relative had relatively frequent access to them. <P>I got no response, and after about 30 days I did it myself, by an anonymous letter that didn't specifically identify XW.<P>After that, communication from ceased except through her attorney (and he told me not to attempt to contact her--the one time I saw her later she waved me away and wouldn't even get out of her car). And cooperation on wrapping-up details got spottier too. I'm still angry on-and-off. Guess she is too. Guess I'm "dissed" out of <I>her</I> life. <P>Some folks here have held "funerals" for their marriages. That may be what you need to do. Maybe me too.

(((White Dove)))<P>I just don't understand how these people can even live with themselves. Since my x-wife left in May we have only had one conversation in which I wasn't called a name or some how dogged out.<P>She has told me many times that I'm repulsive and just the sight of me makes her sick. Keep in mind I'm the BS. So anyway I just continue to be nice, that's the only way I know how to do it. I'm sure that our children see who the "good guy" is in our case.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

In my case also, it was my wife's abrupt coldness that confused me the most. I had already suspected that she was working up to thinking about divorce, but her sudden desertion caught me by surprise and I just could not understand how someone so sweet and loving could suddenly treat me like an unwelcome stranger and seem so oblivious to the pain she was causing.<P>White Dove, see if you can find a copy of Madeline Bennett's book "Sudden Endings: Wife Rejection in Happy Marriages". It is out of print, but it's worth getting through interlibrary loan. The book has some flaws, but it was what put me on the track to understanding what had happened to my wife.<P>The bottom line is that for my wife, I could not be <I>allowed</I> to exist. She could never have taken the actions she did without radical self-surgery, and her subsequent behavior can only be described as bizarre. But it <I>is</I> all understandable, and the more I have learned, the clearer it is that my wife's attitude has very, very little to do with me.<P>Oh, and that's...interesting...about your husband getting your name wrong. That doesn't surprise me in the least. I still don't know if my name is spelled incorrectly in my wife's divorce complaint against me because <I>she</I> got it wrong, or because of a transcription error.<BR>

Well, this part of the divorce process is indeed difficult. My H rejected me with a vengeance several months ago. It was as if he was another person altogether. I was completely dumbfounded, and tried desperately to be heard. During one moment of clarity, I recognized the signs of an affair (you know, been there, done that, got the video). I did some private investigating that confirmed my suspicions. He had been hostile and rejecting, castigating me as the most horrible person anyone could ever live with. This was just a ploy to keep me away from the new girlfriend. No problem there.<P>Our communication continued to strain to the point that exchanges regarding our son became most contemptuous. Oh, but I heard the lines, "I'll always love you. You're my best friend." Talk about confusion! This was really destroying what little spirit I had, so I decided to take control of my relationship with a manipulative, alcoholic spouse. I stopped all communication with him except through our lawyers. He appeared upset at first when I would not engage him in conversation with any more than one word sentences. Even written correspondences proved impossible as simple requests or information regarding our son was returned with sarcasm and arrogance. <P>I still have my ups and downs, and it may be a few weeks/months before the final divorce decree, but I am nowhere near as apprehensive as I was when we were "talking." It was like, he was allowed to go on with his private life while he strung me along like an emotional puppet. I don't think so. <P>HE'S making the mistake of his life, and I'M fixing mine.<P>Nell

Same thing happened here ew left and acted like I never existed a few weeks after she left she moved in with OM and few months after divorced me, she was full of anger and rage and I could not understand why she was so angry with me and why she cut me off the way she did, it was like she died, well i think she did, i realize now she had to do what she did for her self or she would have never done any of it , it was the only way she could do things. I think in time she will come out of the fog and regret it all, in the mean time I am making a better life for myself. I feel sad for her sometimes because I honestly don't think she even knows what she is doing and the OM did the same to his wife.<P>

Hi White Dove,<P> Have you read Private Lies by Frank Pittman? He has some really good information in there. Your ex is in for a big surprise when the fog lifts for him and he sees the destruction that he has caused....it's not going to be pretty.He can only run from himself for so long.<P>I agree with the poster that said he couldn't face what he was doing to you so he ran completely away. He has some serious problems that will catch up with him. It is HIM not you. Take care, LU<P>

Yes, ditto on all of it. The really odd thing is now my XW is almost too kind. It throws me off quite a bit. I never anticipated this turn of events, either. I tend be be very standoffish, I don't trust her intent any more...probably just riding that wave of guilt, but I am actually moving (not physically yet) away from these attempts. She 'wonders' how I am doing...and every time I point out (which I should not do) her wronging me, she says, 'I know, that's a boundary'...right!<P>I have arrived at a spot where I am no longer mad at her for ruining my life (and ruined it is, let me tell you), I just want this particular woman outside of it. I am still waiting for my wife to return, just don't see her around anymore, that's all.<P>It is vitally important that you find a way to disconnect his actions from your character. In other words, like GNP said, it is really not about you at all. That's the real crime here...you get the bad, he keeps the good. Don't let that happen...let him have his illusion, just don't play the part he is trying to force you to play. -Mike

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!!! I was have a rough day. I really do not understand everything, but when I am treated kindly by other people I see that this is my exH and not me. I have read Private Lies. It helps me to read of such things. I will have to face ExH and his new wife soon because I need his signature on the IRS check. I just thought it is soooo strange for people to up and leave like they do and not face situations!!!!!! I have to remember that God is in control of myy life and I will come out a MUCH better person-I already am-I tell the truth and face my problems.....Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope in the long run we will all be much happier because of what we have done. I love the support here!!!!