Spouse and I have not talked to each other for any length of time since I was asked to move out of our residence four months ago to “give her time to think”. Upon moving out our relationship went down hill. I finally concluded that spouse is going through a Mid-Life Crisis and wants it this way. We were married for twenty years, but I saw the writing was on the wall and got an attorney. She did as well. We have both served divorce papers on each other. The time prior to me leaving and up to the time papers were served spouse and I were not able to talk to one another with out getting into an argument. Spouse called me on Saturday expressing a desire to mediate the division of our community property as a cost saving step for both of us. I agreed and drove over to our residence. Let me state what I saw upon looking at my STBX spouse… I saw a shell of a women I once knew. Her face was pasty white (she is a dark complected women), her hands were shaking and when she asked me if I wanted some coffee she asked me what I took in my coffee (we had been married twenty years and she knows what I take in my coffee). She had lost so much weight that it looked like she had not eaten in months. Her thought were wondering and her recollection of events was questionable. She has a thyroid condition and low blood sugar level. My STBX is not doing well. The entire time we were negotiating my heart was aching to reach out and comfort this women I loved for so many years and still love to this day. <P>We sat down at the dining room table and proceeded an amiable division of all community property. Spouse initiated the mediation by stating that meeting was in no way intended towards a reconciliation and stated that there were no recording devices in the room and that I would have to agree to the same. I agreed. We started with the residence and the loans against it. Spouse’s proposal made it appear that spouse was not interested in her long term financial well being. She was giving up a future lawsuit settlement and her 401K to pay off a loan. I myself was taken back by spouse’s proposal and even asked her several times “Do you know what you are doing?” I asked if she had found someone else in her life and she replied she is currently not interested in dating anybody. Then I stopped and asked her what the catch was? She replied there is no catch, she just wants closure. This is not her at all. I informed her that at her current salary level that she would not be able to afford the house, that the payments would break her financially. She seemed unconcerned about it, although we still have a 16 year old son to take care of. We proceeded through all our community assets, she left the room several times “saying she needed to use the bathroom. Upon her return her eyes would be puffy (she had been crying). During this time we would take breaks and discuss our current jobs and activities. We are both doing well professionally considering the circumstances. She even proposed that if I wasn’t doing anything or that my family was not around during the holidays that I could spend it with her and her family and that she wished if the circumstances were reversed that she could spend it with mine. I informed her that in the future I might be willing to stop by and help her with the house and cars. She has not changed the oil in her only car for over 7 months. I informed her that I was thinking of going to Mexico for a vacation and did she want to come, she replied “if your paying, I’ll go”. We both work in the same building but rarely see each other…on purpose. <P>Our eldest son is an issue, I am extremely angry at him for his disrespect towards me since he was in the 8th grade (he is now 19). Also informed spouse my anger at her for not supporting me in my efforts to correct son’s disrespectful nature towards me. And that it was a main contributor of the stress in our marriage. Didn’t accuse, I was merely stating fact, she did not disagree. <P>Well we finally completed the division. Stated to her that I have only one question to ask and that if she is agreeable to please respond to it. The question I asked was “Why?” why did you give up on our marriage and our relationship? Why after so many years together did she want out of the marriage? Spouse said that she has the answer but due to the pending divorce she was not willing to give me that answer.<P>I came away from this meeting with more questions than were answered. I am concerned with the health and well being of the women I still love. With her outwards appearance I am afraid she might have a terminal illness and is afraid to inform me. Her emotional well being is also a major concern, I feel she does not know what she is doing and the way I am; even unto divorce, do not want to hurt or take advantage of this women. She was hurt when I stated my feeling towards our eldest son. He walked in during our meeting and I didn’t acknowledge his presence or greet him. I know my spouse and feel that there is a deep underlying motive to what she is doing. <P> <BR>

Forgive me if I'm not quite getting all the facts straight but is it possible that your wife is/was having an affair? As I read your post, I kept thinking this is a woman who has just ended a love affair. My feeling was that there is still feelings there for you but she thinks she has to end your marriage because she can't forgive herself for what she has done. Maybe I'm an incurable romantic.....

I may be a bit naive here but no not to my knowledge. The times she has gone out it has been with the girls. The whole situation sounds like a mid life crisis. She feels she needs to experience her "roaring 20's" again. She was married to me with three children during her actual twenties period. Now she has a supervisory position and most of the employees are famale and in their mid to late twenties. She had mentioned to me prior to all this that "she was afraid of growing old". I have gone from deep depression when I first moved out, to almost being able to function normally. I am concerned with the mixed signals I am receiving from her. One moment she states "This is not an attempt to reconcile" the next moment is almost like "come on over anytime". Don't get me wrong I am not waiting for this women, my mind is made up to start dating and living my own life. I do not know if I would even consider trying again with her. Yes I say I am still in love with her, I am!. She is the mother of my children and I will till the day I die still bestow that affection upon her no matter how hard she has tried to ruin me. My issue is I am concerned with her health and how it is affecting her choices during these divorce proceedings. Yeah I shouldn't give a you know what about her and I should take what she is unknowingly offering...you know what that is not me. Weird huh ladies? a man being divorced by his wife and he is still concerned about her well-being and And you all say men can't make a committment!!!. Wrong not this man!