I've talked on the phone with my H every day for the last several days. He is trying to quit drinking and going to AA every night. He asked me for "Surviving An Affair," said he wasn't ready to read it before. He says he's ended the relationship with the OW and says he's avoided her calls for 3 weeks. He says he could not understand before when my lawyer asked him if he realized how inappropriate his behavior has been, but now can't believe he did it and feels full of remorse. Today he even told me that he knows that I did everything I did because of the circumstances and he's sick of being mad at people anymore. He says he's going to call Steve Harley and make an appointment tomorrow. He says he loves me and hopes that we can someday get back together. <P>I hadn't seen or talked to him for about 2 months, except in court. He wants to see me, but so far I've said, "No." This change of heart seemed to come so suddenly. The divorce is filed, I have a restraining order to keep him away from our home and business, and he's living in his parents' mobile home at the beach. Besides talking to him on the phone, I don't know what to do. I told him I want him to be sober and in counseling. I didn't bring it up again, but he seems to be doing what I asked.

Well then ~ if he is open to talking to Steve, tell your H that you'll talk about reconciling when Steve tells you that it is safe. <P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I second that emotion.<P>You know, I really do believe it's possible for people to have a lightbulb moment and see how the heck they've been acting. HOWEVER, given his past track record, I would definately be on the side of caution here. Please let calmer heads prevail, and listen to wise folks like the Harleys. Let him know you're glad to see he's sober and whatnot, but also make him earn your trust back. I know you're anxious for him to earn it, but don't just give it back--otherwise the message he gets is that all he has to do is "act" like he's being sober, and he gets to come back. Know what I mean?<P>Be strong, sister. I hope and prayer that this change of heart is sincere, but always, always, always remember to do what is in your best interest to protect yourself. <P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{LetSTry}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks BR and CJ, That's basically what I've been thinking. I've got an appointment with Steve on Thursday a.m. His change of heart (if it is that) is just so weird after all this time. I was getting pretty comfortable with being alone. When he wanted to reconcile before, I felt so insecure, I wanted him to come home immediately, even though he thought he should move in with a friend and we should date for a while. This time, I'm in no rush at all. I've been through too much... <P>He told me to call him anytime to prove he's not with the OW. Strangely, I hadn't thought about it (oops, her ). I already feel "divorced" in the sense that I feel our old relationship is over. I don't know what the future will bring. I'm sure I'm leaving myself open to more hurt by even talking to him. It just seems so different now. <P>I'm "letting go and letting GOD," and I feel like I'm really ready to accept whatever happens (at this moment anyway). I'm running our company alone, which has actually boosted my self-esteem quite a bit and with the help of the infidelity diet I haven't looked this good in years (IMHO ), and I'm turning 50 in 2.5 weeks! I've been going to Al-Anon and the gym regularly, basically doing what I can to take care of myself.

As long as he is drinking, you will never be first in his life. It sounds to me like you're not willing to settle for that (you go, girl). Make sure he proves his worth to you in actions, over an extended period of time. I like what BR says; go with the guidance of an intelligent, experienced third party.<P>God bless you, dear. You deserve to be happy. <P>Love,<BR>Nell

<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>From the Al-Anon suggested opening:<BR>The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>((((((hugs)))))) Looks like once again, the 12 steps are working!

Hi there,<P>I have no experience of alcoholics and what they do or say in the midst of their drinking, however, I did want to let you know that I'm thinking about you. And praying for you.<P>Whilst on the surface it looks promising, (all that he is saying and doing), you must remember to be true to yourself. You and only you know this person. Allow your instincts to guide you, as well as experienced people like the Harleys and others here who have been where you are.<P>I wish the best for you, and that whatever you hope for will come to fruition.<P>love and hugs<P>Jo

Thanks everyone, Nell, BrambleRose, and Jo, I definitely plan to move very slowly. Talking on the phone is much easier than in person. He keeps asking me to see him or go on a date, but he's not rushing to get back together right now. He isn't comfortable coming to the small town where we live (I live) because he's afraid of running into the OW or her husband, sister, mother, etc. He basically gets anxiety attacks about running into anyone he knows because of the mess he's in.<P>Nell, I agree about the drinking, but this is still a sore spot with him. He doesn't want me to tell him what to do. I explained that I'm only telling him what is tolerable for me, he's free to do whatever he wants.<P>BR, Yes, Al-Anon has made a big difference in my life already. BTW, I get the same advice there.