From another thread...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AbandonedDad:<BR><B>One of the key things in this book is the idea of "forcing a crisis". In my case, I don't know exactly what form this might take. There is a natural crisis coming up - but it seems to harsh to use it - and my counselor at first said "let the chips fall where they may" and then changed his mind. Anyway, my W is an immigrant - and wants to live in this country. At the end of the month we are supposed to go to a "marriage interview" with the INS - which will be video-taped. They will ask (since I am sponsoring her for immigration (she originally came here as a student - and filed a "change of status")) "Are you living as man and wife". They WILL ask. My current thinking is that I will answer truthfully "no". That will be a crisis. I can't imagine 4 hours in the car comming back from there with her! My Counselor, on the other hand, on second thought, gave the opinion that this would be entrapping her - and counterproductive. I don't want to trap her - but I've crossed too many boundaries already to come to the point of lying under oath on video tape for her.<P>What do you think?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>In the absence of coercive circumstances, there is no way, no how, that I would lie for my wife in order to "save" her from the consequences of her own choices. What that would communicate about my integrity (or lack thereof) is not the kind of message I want to send, and it would do nothing to foster a sense of responsibility in my wife either. (If that sounds overly paternalistic, I quote M. Scott Peck's definition of love: "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth.") If my integrity makes my wife mad, "tough" - on both of us. But "enabling" her won't help her grow up.<P>However, with that said, I'm not sure that the answer to the question "Are you living as man and wife" is all that clearcut. If, as you imply, you are still involved sexually with your wife, then it seems to me that you <I>are</I> living as man and wife. In a troubled marriage, no doubt, but even so...<P>

Gnome,<P>Thanks for your comments. In the present situation, maybe we ARE living together as man and wife. I don't know the exact form of the question. The notice they sent us said something like "proof of valid marriage relationship completes your application". Perhaps just showing up with the baby - with birth certificates etc. will take care of that. I hope so. I don't want to lie, but I don't want her to lose this either. W has lived here for almost 5 years and its about time that she had some kind of permanent status. I think we're getting back together, but I don't know if it is only this INS thing that is causing her to act like she might come back. Time will tell. I'm not afraid of being made a fool. I just want my family back together.<P>Thanks again for your comments.<P>-AD

Every time I hear the phrase 'living as husband and wife', I hear the same thing...having a sexual relationship. That does imply more in a 'normal and healthy' relationship, but we are talking about something else here. The separation requirement in Illinois goes so far as to state 'physically apart', although the bureaucracy allows in house separations, and my take on the whole thing is if you are having sex, you fulfill the requirement. No exceptions.<P>Whether the baby will constitute proof likely depends on the person handling you case. I suspect that it would not, given the sort of rampant fraud I have heard (Any substance to it? - Idunno) about in these matters.<P>Maybe she is playing you in order to get the green card, but that is of little importance. Lose your pride on this. This is an opportunity, don't mess it up by being proud! -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 24, 2001).]