Been a while since I posted. My wife left in June. We have been separated and just signed a Separation Agreement that will not be filed with the court. Things have been up and down. She doesnt want to talk about much at all. We are both trying to get the finances in order and to date, everthing is caught up and paid off. I have been sober as well, no more anti-depressants and I feel wonderful. My wife doesnt seem to like my exuberence very much though! I want our marriage to work out, but I was so depressed a month ago, I just wanted to die, and probably would have drank myself to death had she not moved out. My question is, why is she not happy with my happiness? She is still on the anti-d's and may have slipped back into drinking (she is alcoholic, like me). She made a point to tell me that she was going over to an old girlfriends for a party (she hasnt seen the girl in over two years, because she didnt want to be around drinking and carousing), but the last time we split up over drinking, I cleaned up and she went in the opposite direction. When we got back the last time, she quit and then I started back. Now, that we have split again, I have quit and she is back at it!? This is so frustrating! She said she still loves me and my kids said that momma said "We are going to school over at her house, but we might go back to Oakbrook near your house in December if things work out between you and mommy" I was overjoyed, but still she wont talk about anything. She is still up and down. I was told I was the root of her unhappiness, but now that I am gone, she is still down (actually she is worse than before). She still wears her ring (when I see her; paranoid???), but frankly what she does with the marriage is up to HER. I have let go emotionally (outwardly) but I just want her to be happy. She seems to have a problem with being happy, she always has. I love her though, I long for her daily. I feel so very alive!!!!!! I think that I have finally realized that I cannot change a single thing but me! Any ideas on why she always asks me "Isnt this hard for you Rob", I tell her "Yes, but I cannot change anything but me and I refuse to imprison myself again, ever. I will not look back at my past. I did that for 10 years and it hindered me from proceeding forward!"<P>God is SO Good!<BR>Thanks,<BR>Rob

Rob, I feel for you. My H is alcoholic. He was sober for 10 years and started drinking again about 1.5 years ago. He became really depressed and blamed me for all his unhappiness. <P>He found an OW who would drink and use along with him. It was "love" and supposed to make everything better. When he moved out last December, I was devastated and depressed (I'm still on anti-depressants) but I've been getting better with the help of Al-Anon and God. <P>My H on the other hand, has slid rapidly down hill. The OW wasn't the answer, drugs and alcohol aren't the answer. Being willing to look at yourself, as you said, is all important. He seems to be slowly coming around.<P>It sounds like your wife is caught in her alcoholism. You sound like you're doing the right thing and setting appropriate boundaries. She knows what she needs to do, give her time and keep taking care of yourself and your kids.

Hi Rob,<P>Just one of those weird things isn't it? Why do they want to see us floundering? So they can justify leaving us. So they can go on saying that no one else will want us. We are supposed to be devestated, wallowing in self-pity. It takes a while for us to start feeling good, as you know, and it sounds like you have worked really hard on yourself...YES! She, meanwhile, is going downhill fast and she knows it. I worry about your kids though Rob. Is her alcoholism taking a toll on them? Do you need to get custody of them?<P>Listen, keep up exactly what you are doing. You have officially GOTTEN IT and though there will be hard times, and self-doubt, you are doing a great Plan A here. She's thinking Rob...no doubt about it. Just take care of those kiddos.<P>allison

Thanks for your input and insight. I know that I hurt her deeply with my drinking and spending and I am truly sorry for that. She is a great mom and I am not worried at this point about her drinking. We both did not drink and take care of our kids. It wasnt worth the risk. However, I will keep a close eye on the situation. Her father has her convinced that we are just two "different" people and divorce would be best for all involved (even our children). Can you believe that?! Anyway, I realize now and most importantly, that God is in control. I love my wife and I know we BOTH must leave the bottle and forge ahead in life. My father told us nine years ago, that we had to place God first in our marriage and despose of the booze if we were going to be happy. He was so right! But looking back wont change one dang thing. I know that and I REFUSE to look back. It is one day at a time. Simple, simple, simple! I am now enjoying all of those things the bottle and pills took away (my choice though). I want her to be happy no matter what! That is my prayer. We can never be happy together until SHE is happy inside. I will wait for her. No dating, nothing. I am content to rediscover all of those things I love, reading, sports, the beach. It is absolutely amazing what one gives up for a hangover and depression. I have started my own networking company (i still have a day job as an engineer) and landed a big job with and evrionmental firm. She seemed upset about that. I think it is the fact that our separation agreement keeps her from getting a piece. I think she still loves me and wants it to work out. I believe she is upset that I didnt do these things when we were together. She was really supportive up until she left. I was coming out of the fog, but she left before I emerged. I miss her! But I cant go back to being depressed and down. I want to live and enjoy life. I am content to wait for her, as long as it takes. She deserves that, the kids deserve that, and so do I.<P>I am trying to find a new house and such so that when things do work out, we can start fresh and new. I am expecting that God will do something spectacular! I believe that with all of my heart. That gives me such joy and hope. "For I know my plans for you; plans to prosper you, not harm you!" and "Thus saith the Lord, I will do a NEW thing!"<P>How are things going in both of your situations? I would like to listen (I WAS a bad listener and I want to learn). <P>thanks much,<BR>Rob