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We told the kids on Saturday that Mom would be moving in two weeks to her new house. Our 6-year-old kind of gets it, though I don't believe it's going to hit her until she wants Dad when she's over there, or visa-versa. Our 3-year-old seemed not to understand anything at the time. But:<P>Monday was the first day back at daycare (after the provider's two week vacation). STBXW got him as far as the door, but he didn't want to go, and she relented and kept her home with him all day. Today, I took him, and he clung to me, cried, didn't want to go- all sorts of behaviors that I haven't seen in years. In fact, I don't remember him behaving like this at day care ever.<P>My wife's explanation for yesterday was that "he knows when I don't really have to take him there" (she's a teacher, but has no summer classes, and is very flexible right now). Sounds like denial to me- especially when my son says things like "but I will miss you all day, dad!" I think the insecurity of this situation is starting to hit him. <P>I am angry that my wife is averting her eyes from this problem- I'm trying hard not to turn it into an accusation, which would be a "love-buster" for sure: "Look what you're doing to our children, you selfish woman!" But I need advice from anyone else who has dealt with this. How do I bring this up with my wife without it turning into a knock-down drag-out?<P>Also, any suggestions on reassuring my son (and my daughter, when it hits her) would be appreciated. I keep reminding him of the things that will be the same, telling him when exactly I'll be home ("see you at dinnertime," etc.). But shouldn't I also let him be sad about it? It is a sad situation, and he shouldn't have to put on a happy face all the time.<BR>
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DBT:<P>My heart goes out to you about your situation. I can imagine the hurt you must feel when your son tells you that he will miss you. I know how I felt when my kids told me that when my W and I separated.<P>It is very confusing when or when not to approach your W about any volitile situation. There is no Win Win here.<P>Consider tho - maybe she is not in denial or "averting her eyes". Maybe she hurts as much as you do about the situation but does not know where to turn (hence, keeping your son home and making an excuse about him knowing he doesn't need to go).<P>You should be proud that you recognized you didn't want it to turn into a LB and avoided starting an argument.<P>I am sorry that I don't have any healthy advice on what to do with the children except maybe a strong union with the STBX about how to approach the childrens needs.<P>My prayers are with you and your STBX but especially with the kids.<P>
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DBT,<BR> I, too have searched long, and hard for an answer to this one....I have come to the conslusion that there is not answer...how does one candy coat the destruction of the family? Or, try to imply otherwise? Our society has made this 'okay' by allowing people to please only themselves, and avoid any sort of responsibility, or blame...there is not way to explain this away to someone without any sort of guile. We can lie to ourselves, because we have been trained to deny, and explain away the truth...a three year old has nothing to use in that respect...that says a lot to me about the wrong we do to children, and to ourselves. I hate the concept that a white lie, or lack of total honesty is a good thing...it is not...look at where it has gotten us as a society. Pretty grim, and far removed from the way it is supposed to be...the first lie ever told is in Genesis, and the first murder, and subsequest denial....yes, we are all our brother's keepers...we just don't do a very good job of it...IMHO.<P>I am truly sorry about things, both for me, and all others here. Maybe a counselor has something to help, but somehow, I doubt it very seriously. Sorry. -Mike
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by HowlingAlone:<BR>Consider tho - maybe she is not in denial or "averting her eyes". Maybe she hurts as much as you do about the situation but does not know where to turn (hence, keeping your son home and making an excuse about him knowing he doesn't need to go).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Actually, I know that she's hurting- she's just trying not to admit it. Thanks for the reminder- that's the problem with anger, you know, it gets in the way of your vision. <P>Before we left the house this morning, our son did try to convince STBXW to let him stay with her again today- tears, whining, "I don't want to go." Our daughter burst into tears when she discovered my wife had put her hair (the daughter's, that is) in pigtails instead of a ponytail. My wife is not a callous person in any sense, and especially not with our children. It's got to be affecting her. <P>
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by waiting_for_her:<BR>I, too have searched long, and hard for an answer to this one....I have come to the conslusion that there is not answer...how does one candy coat the destruction of the family? Or, try to imply otherwise? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The standard for divorcing couples now is to do just that: my wife's phrase is "one family in two houses," which has never made sense to me, but turned out to be exactly what our family counselor told us when it was clear that my wife was going to move. "Tell the children you're still a family. Remember that divorce doesn't destroy families, it just changes and rearranges them." B.S. I say, but I can't say that to the kids, because then I'm the bitter, unsupportive one. I guess I'll have to save the true talk about the breakup until they're adults.<P>And it does no good to say (as is so popular today) that there are lots of different kinds of families. I know a single mother who never married her daughter's father, and calls him a "birthday and christmas dad." Of course, she thinks of her and her daughter as a family, as do hundreds of thousands of other broken and rearranged families. That's called "making the best of a bad situation." <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>...there is not way to explain this away to someone without any sort of guile. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Very true. In telling the kids, I warned my wife that I would have to pick my words very carefully, so that I wouldn't have to lie to them. To her credit, she agreed with that. Again, maybe when the kids are in their 20's, they'll be ready to hear the whole tale.<P>Thanks for writing, as always.<BR>
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The first week after my husband left, my three year old wet her pants for the first time ever! We think it won't affect them because they're small...and would I love to tell my H what he is doing to the kids! But I won't for the same reason you don't want to.<P>It has only been two weeks now, but I have seen various behaviours in all three children (the other two are 8 and 5) that are completely out of character. Naturally, because they miss their dad. And they do blame themselves because he isn't here any more. It is heartbreaking, and just so unfair because they ARE kids. <P>I wish you luck, because I know how hard it is going to be for you. Just love them as much as you can when you have them, they are so precious!<P>
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Hello! I usually post in GQII...but lurk here for Q's and topics just like this.<P>We have 3 boys (8, 5 & 2)...My H is in total denial that our 'separation' has affected them in anyway...<P>We are taking a parenting class...and I am making sure that he is with boys as much as me...<P>Boys have said some eyeopening things to me ("I don't love you, like daddy doesn't love you....Now that daddy's gone, I am the man of the house...) H has accused me of putting these ideas in their heads...so now I encourage boys to talk to him...I tell them I can't speak for daddy, they need to talk to him or ask him....<P>He has also made statements that he is not leaving his family...the dynamics are just changing...<P>As I stated at the beginning...denial isn't just a river in Egypt...<P>Cali<P>------------------<BR><I>Live Impeccably In Your Word.<BR>Don't Take Anything Personally.<BR>Make No Assumptions.<BR>Do Your Best Always. </I>
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