his new relationship I mean.<P>As you know, he has moved in with his gf. To the select few that I have shared this with, their responses have all been the same.<P>Either "it won't last" or "wait and see" or "he'll find out what he's let himself in for" or variations of the same.<P>Last night I spoke to a friend (male) that I hadn't spoken to for quite a while, and mentioned to him that they had moved in together. He said the same sorts of things too.<P>Do all these people know something that I don't. I was the one married to him after all, but they all seem to know him better than I did/do.<P>My point is this. Why can't it work? Why do all these people think it won't work? Are they saying these things to try and make me feel better?<P>I don't need to feel better, I'm quite ok about it. I 'let him go' a long time ago.<P>From a conversation I had with her, she is a conflict avoider of the first order, and seeing as he is also, this would seem to be a match made in heaven. They will never discuss anything, they certainly won't bring issues out into the open for discussion, soooooooo, they'll probably be very very happy. And that's ok with me.<P>I don't want to be friends with them, they are not the sort of people I like, but that doesn't mean that I don't want him to be happy. He never was happy when I needed to 'discuss' an issue, he would rather bury his head in the sand and hope it went away. Well now he can do that. In peace.<P>I've wanted to say this for quite some time. I'm tired of people saying to me 'it won't last' - it's almost as if they are saying "well, when he's finished here he'll be coming back for you". I don't want him - I want him to be happy where he is right now.<P>Am I being too over sensitive? <P>Am I hiding my true feelings? Do I want him back? A very dear friend asked that exact same question in an email last week. I have pondered ever since. I think I can honestly say that no, I don't want him back. Maybe the old H I knew, but he no longer exists. I miss that old H, miss what we had. I think what I'm getting maudlin about are the good memories. I still have so many of those. There weren't many bad spots in our 13 yr relationship - just a lot of good times. <P>Well, that's it. He has every right to be happy in his new relationship. Everyone has that right.<P>thanks again guys for being here, I'll be interested in your thoughts.<P>I have to get children ready for school etc so I'll check back later<P>have a great night<P>hugs<P>Jo<P>

Jo,<P>People have told me the very same thing about do I want my ex back. I realize now that I don't. My ex married the OW about one month after our divorce was final. But I am with you in the belief that their relationship might work.<P>They have a strong bond that they carried out their affair in complete secrecy hiding it from me and fellow co-workers for a long time. My ex said that "they were very careful" when they got together. I think that since their affair was a success and that they actually pulled it off and are now married is going to be something that keeps them together for awhile.<P>Like you, I miss the H that I thought I knew but realize that he is gone forever. I still sometimes wish that they would have consequences for their misdeeds but more often than not I don't really care what happens to them one or the other.<P>In some ways I hope their marriage does last at least 6 years (most of my relatives/friends give it 2) because after six years my D will be in college and her father's relationship situation will not be that important to her - she will be too busy with her own life.<P>Good Luck<BR>Pat

Same here, everyone questions my decision to let my stbx go his own way. I gave up after months of verbal and the threat of physical abuse. Sorry but as Maya Anjelou once said "when someone shows you who they really are believe them the first time".<BR> In any case, I truly hope his OW doesn't rip his heart out but I wouldn't count on it. Me, I'm starting a new life and a new relationship and am very hopeful for the future. Sometimes it's best to put the past behind you.

Jo,<P>I think often when people say things like that, they tend to mean that "life" has a funny way of coming back around. Sometimes I think the old saying "do unto others as you would have done to you" could be reworded to "do unto others as you would have done unto you, or else you will have it done unto you"...<P>So many times you see things in life that you say are ironic. Ever watch Seinfeld? Ever see the episode where Jerry becomes somewhat of an "Even Steven" - he loses a dollar, he finds another in his wash, he gets dumped by a girl, he finds another one. I think that more often than not, "life" is like that.<P>So for those WS's, betray your vows with another and someday there is a good chance your vows will be betrayed by someone else (the circle of life)....<P>just a thought...<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Hi Barrington,<P>long time no speak!! Glad to see you're still around and doing well.<P>It's funny isn't it, how our feelings towards them change. I don't very often feel the hurt or the anger anymore. It's more a case of "oh well, it happened, now deal with it and get on with life" My life that is - and I'm full of optimism about the future. I have no idea where I'm going, or who with!!! but it's exciting. I have a chance to start again, with a fresh clean slate.<P>Good to talk to you again Barrington, you'll have to give us an update. xx<P>Nduli - I like that saying. I've never heard it before. Geez, if only you'd told me that 2 years ago, I would have stopped the fight. The one where I fought to keep the man I thought I knew!!! Now I realise he wasn't ever really there!<BR>Thanks for sharing that with me.<P>Mike - hi. I try to live by that credo, but I will admit to some feelings of "gee I wish he could have it happen to him". Just so he knows a little of what I have been through. I doubt that even if he did have it happen to him, he would really understand. I say that because everything that happens to him is someone else's fault, or circumstances, or etc etc etc........... He takes no responsibility for his own actions, he has never really searched his soul or his very being for some answers. He thinks he is just fine. And while people think they are just fine, you know what, they are!!! That's very deep isn't it??<P>Anyway, it was just my thought first thing this morning. But it's only onward and upward from here right.<P>have a great day, and big hugs<P>Jo