Hi everyone,<P>Today was my 40th birthday. I decided to live it like any other day. After all, my h and I are sleeping in separate rooms, divorcing, and going separate ways. I went to a therapy appointment and then to work.<P>No expectations for anything but just getting through the day and coming home to my d. Well....I come home tonight, (h is in his room sleeping,) I go to my room and find that he has bought me a new stereo and wrote a card that really made me cry. It read as follows:<P>"I wanted to buy a card with the shadow of a man and woman holding hands, standing on a road which forked, with two different directions in which to go. Then I thought to look on the bright side of things. So, on a brighter note, as of now, I will seek to bring my music out as a medium to help others cope with the likes of good and bad times. I'm starting with you. Since I don't think you will ever start playing a piano or sax or something, I give you an instrument I know you know how to play. <BR>I wish you well on your life's journey. Happy Birthday. <P>He might as well have taken a knife to my heart!<P>I wonder why he did this. I know we are becoming friends and getting along better than we have in years. Maybe he wants the marriage still, but without all of the work required to make it happen. I don't know, but I felt some guilt based on receiving this gift and card. I don't know why.<P>I do know it is so painful when things like this happen because I don't have the anger towards him any longer to guard against the pain.<P>And here, I thought I could let this birthday come and go without a wimper!<P>hopefulheart

(((((hopefulheart)))))<P>I am new at all of this, like you, but maybe the reason you're feeling so blue is because he gave you a conflicting message. From what I've been reading and experiencing already, this seems common. We feel bad about them because it gives us a spark of hope, after all hope has been taken away.<P>I had a bunch of conflicting messages put on me on Sunday, and again yesterday. My H wants to talk about the future...but not mine, the kids. But when I say okay, when, he hesitates and says he's busy, er how about next week. I mean he phoned me to see if I got his email the previous day regarding this...it seemed like he was in a hurry to talk, but when I wanted to make arrangements, he hesitated. So this is a conflicting message for me...he wants to talk, but not now...hey! Why??? Is he having doubts, etc etc.<P>Then he asked if I was going to a function that he will be attending. I said, no I didn't think he would want me there (the "Space" issue). He says he doesn't mind if I go too as they are my friends as well. So give me space, but it's okay to come along??? <P>Someone told me yesterday this may have been caused by a moment of guilt on his part. Maybe your H had the same thing when he bought you the stereo. <P>I really wish you well.<P>Jacky

Nina too,<P>Thank you so much for your prospective. Sounds like you are going through these conflicting messages as well. It seems to make things far more difficult sometimes. Sort of a push and pull effect on the heart. <P>I guess when this happens, it's up to us to decide how we feel and what to do with those messages. In other words, defining ourselves and making our own choices outside of the messages we get.<P>I do know in my heart that my marriage is completely over. For good! Same with you?<P>hopefulheart

hopefulheart,<P>It's only been a little over a week since he told me he wanted a divorce and two and a half weeks since he left. He tells me he doesn't want to be here, and I know I have to accept that. One thing I know for sure, the marriage as I knew it is over. If, and it's a big if, we reconcile, it will not be the same relatiopnship. <P>You are right about looking after ourselves and defining the situation in that way, too. My dad has a saying <P>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going."<P>I'm trying to live that now. I hope you can do the same. I'm glad I could give you some comfort. Keep writing, I'll keep looking at your posts. I'll be happy to chat, but I have to go out for a couple of hours now.

Hi Nina too,<P>You really ARE new to all of this. <P>My H and I started sleeping in separate rooms in May, I filed the end of June, and here we are the end of July. Our whole settlement is complete except for the loan my H is seeking so he can buy out my share of the equity in our home. Then I move out for good.<P>In some ways, moving out will make things easier for me. He often gets a little "clingy" when he sees me coming and going so much. I am living my life to the fullest despite my situation. Lots of time with friends, walks on the beach, etc...I was staying at home crying...but no longer.<P>I hope you are coping with all of this. It's so hard isn't it? Probably the hardest thing I have ever been through.<P>Take care of yourself and we'll touch bases again later.<P>hopefulheart

(((hopefulheart)))<P>First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, didn't your mommy teach you that your not suppose to tell how old you are after 27?? <P>That sure was a nice thing for him to do. I hope that if y'all stay together or if you divorce that you can be friendly. I HATE THOSE MIXED MESSAGES, TOO. I've been separated for 3 months and divorced for a couple of weeks now. I am one of the nice guys and still do just about anything my x asks me to. I still end most every conversation with "I Love You" and life goes on. Problem is sometimes she says it, not necessarily a conflict, but still rips the heart open.<P>Anyway, it gets better as we heal, grow, and re-connect with ourselves. Take it slow, steady, and bath in each emotion that you feel so that the healing process is allowed to run it's course.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Dear LostHusband,<P>I guess I still feel and look young enough to give my age away! My 13-year-old daughter begs to differ with me on this, however!! You know, a separating from her parent kinda thing. To her, all my clothing and music choices are old, old old!!!!<P>I say, the best is yet to come!!! You know, in our exchanges I have told you I am moving on and fully embracing personal growth in every way possible. This "bump in the road" with my H is par for the course I suppose. It's become painful to live here with him. I'm about ready to move out, thankfully.<P>He still calls me honey, babe, and sometimes, lover, ect... I don't do that with him anymore. My feelings for him are love and friendship but a different love than before. I still care about him and am sometimes concerned about his pain. <P>The problem is, he is actively addicted to so many things. All that numbing has disconnected him from me, his children, and himself, emotionally. It has taken our pending divorce for some emotions to reveal themselves. <P>I would be selling myself short if I reconciled with him. Intimacy would be so shallow and I am a Myers-Briggs Type, INFP, (Healer) if that means anything to you. Unfortunately, my H can't begin to meet my Emotional Needs. We will settle for friendship.<P>I'm with you on it getting better with healing. <P>I wish you healing and growth and a journey full of learning and peace, LostHusband.<P>hopefulheart