After a year of separation and a total of three years since I told my wife about my infidelity, I received the papers for divorce. It's sad because I've grown a lot over these past years but I tried too much to figure things out on my own and rely on providing for my family too much as my way of showing my love.<P>This past couple of months I feel like I've really become the man I've always wanted to become and the man I know she always wanted to be married to. It was just too late though because she's still afraid that I want someone other than her. <P>I look back at all the opportunities I had these 3 years (especially this past year of separation) to really show her how much I love her, but instead all I saw was my own pain and loneliness and reacted to that rather than her attempts to reach for me.<P>I've been reading this site and it has helped tremendously. I also started seeing a counselor. After 12 years, 3 children, a lot of love and a lot of pain, I'm hoping that we can remain friends and build a relationship of respect and support that we never had before. In fact that's what we both talked about tonight. She wants that as much as I. I've said many times this past year that our problems aren't because we don't love each other: We do. They're not because we are angry at each other: We're not. It's about pain. She's tired of hurting and being scared. I'm tired too to be truthful. I'm ready to be her friend and to learn to respect her and build her up. I'm ready to learn how to truly put her needs before mine. Actually, I really believe I've learned those things already. I just did it too late.<P>I'm sad right now but hopeful. I believe that we can still have a wonderful life together. She's just very much dead inside right now. She can agree in principle that it would be a good thing if we could one day put it back together but her feelings for me/us are simply gone right now.<P>My problem is that I have a hard time just letting go of anything that is beyond my control. I know that what I need most is patience and to work on myself, but I'm scared. I don't want to lose her forever. I also don't want my kids to grow up not knowing how to put their spouse's needs before their own, how to care for others more than themselves, how to nurture and respect their spouse, etc. In short, I want them to grow up to be happy in their marriages by personally showing them how.<P>If I don't keep myself on the path I've begun though, I'll never accomplish that goal and I'll greatly increase their chances of screwing up their lives the way I've screwed up mine. I also won't stand a chance of putting my marriage back together. <P>If anyone has any magic words I sure could use them right now. If not, prayer would be nice. Actually, a time machine would be best. I wish I could go back about 11 years and be the husband I could be today. We would be blissfuly happy if I could. I really don't want to spend my life without her, whether that's alone or with someone else.<P>Thanks for listening.

I am not divorced yet although my wife wants to be. I don't have any magic words for you. But I'll say a prayer for you. <P>God bless you and keep you.

Don't dwell on the past but look to the future. Not sure why us men have such a hard time with the "patience" thing? We all seem to want things fixed right now at this moment. Fortunately God knows this about us and His way of building us up and making us stronger is by showing us the need for patience in our lives. It sounds like you have had quite a few chances in the past to begin to "fix" things, but for whatever reason, at those times you weren't ready. Now that you are ready, don't expect your wife to just jump on board. It will take time.<P>If you have true faith in God, you will trust in His love. If you trust in His love you will realize that all things good, come in His time, not ours. Once you realize that, you will begin to see how important patience is in all aspects of our lives. You may be praying to God harder than ever right now - just be sure that you are taking the time to "be still" and listen for His answers. <P>Maybe go along with the divorce for now, but ask for her to take it all slow.<P>It has taken many years for you and your wife to get to this point - Don't for one second think you can fix it all in a week - a month - or even a year. But you can start to fix things today. Key word here is "start". Practice building each day on the one before. As Bill Murray's movie that was out several years ago - "Baby Steps". Know that there is NOTHING you can do say or think that will fix things overnight. It will take time. But be consistent - your wife will be looking for any/all examples of you reverting back to how you were - don't. And if you should slip (we're all human) honestly apologize to her and work hard to not make that mistake again...<P>The good news - If you are sincere in your efforts, if you are patient with both you and your wife, if you are consistent in bettering yourself - you will see improvements. Pray to God for the strength to be patient and for the perseverence to get through the tough times ahead. Your prayers will not fall on a deaf ear....<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike,<P>Thank you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Today I am very sad. She seems relieved and actually happy. Not so much because she hates me or anything, but relieved to have a large weight lifted from her shoulders. I understand and, in truth, am glad she is on a road to being happy. <P>She talks of us needing a "death" to our old marriage and that perhaps one day a new one can grow from the ashes. I belive she is right but still I am afraid that someone will come along, treat her with the respect I did not, and she will be so starved for it she will go to be with him. It's out of my control and if it happens that way then I have only myself to blame. I wish I could have been able to "see" myself as I do now a year ago, six months ago, or even a month ago.<P>Your reply helps me immensely. I need a life that is full and giving rather than the introverted existence I've lived this past year. I need to join a men's Bible study at church (which meets tonight at 8:30 BTW). Mostly though, I need to finally trust in God and really believe that He has my best interest at heart. I need to come to a point that I believe that He cares for my children more than I do. And I have to trust that He knows what's best for us all. <P>When I can get to that point patience and fear will not be a problem for me anymore. I must admit though, that right now my attitude is more closely aligned to: "Da**it! Help me find that patience & trust quick, I'm scared!"

S#!t...I've got the flux capacitor ready, but I don't have a Delorean! How about this...rather than try to go back in time...move forward to where the hurt she has is gone, and you two are back together, better than before! -Mike<P>P.S. Yes...Give me the patience NOW!!!! She has told you something that I have not heard that much...she actually wants to be with you in the future....you've already won! Spend your time becoming the man she can't resist...most of your instructions can be found in the Bible...seriously...James is a real eye opener, and you can read the whole thing in 30 minutes, or less...its all about faith....then again, you already know the outcome, so faith is pretty easy in that case!<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 25, 2001).]

If she's worth having (and it sounds like you definately think she is) than she is worth waiting for. Take this time to work on you and trust that God will mend your marriage! Just remember, in God's eyes, you are still married. It doesn't matter what the divorce papers might say. Give it time and I will be willing to bet she will be back and ready to embrace the new and improved YOU!!!