My husband and I have lived a silent marriage for the past two years now. We have been together 4 years and I have just recently come to understand that we are unable to develop a constructive communication system. When we met, he was very enthusiastic about spending time with me, as was I with him. We took several trips together and enjoyed romantic sunsets, outdoor activity (Which I truly love) as well as quiet nights at home. I have finally discovered that he had never initiated a phone call or affection or anything else for that matter when we were dating. I have also learned that he is an extreme workaholic (Construction) who had some time during our courting days due to slow work. He has been busy for the past three years and now doesn't have time.<P>I understand that he needs to work. I don't understand that we once spent time enjoying one another and now he CANNOT make time. <P>He has never really talked much about himself and his history. Throughout the course of our marriage (3years) I have learned that he is the eldest child of alcoholic parents. I have learned that he lost an infant baby due to the drug abuse of his ex-spouse and I have learned that he is not an active father to the remaining child. I have learned these things from being around his family. These are not things that he has confided in me.<P>During the first year of our marriage, I did not involve myself in his personal affairs. Meaning with regard to his financial situation, his relationship with his son and immediate family, or any of his personal issues. I thought that things were fine. It seemed as though we were very happy together until I began to address matters of a more serious nature.<P>After our first year of marriage he had a vehicle repossessed for failure to make the lease payments. I began to involve myself in financial matters and it took me another year to learn that he was 2 years delinquent with the IRS ($18,000), 2 years delinquent with Child Support ($12,000), and that he had a $13,000 bill with a material supplier for his business. <P>Before finding this out, I started a business for myself. I completed a business plan and thought that I had covered all my ground. I shared my plan with my husband and specifically asked him if there was anyhting that I did not account for. I guess I don't have to say that he still did not bring the above to my attention. 2 months later I received a letter from the IRS. Enclosed was a schedule for my husband to follow to pay the $18,000. It was a follow-up from a phone call he had made to the IRS. Two weeks later I received a phone call from the D.A's office. The lady I spoke to said that she had been trying to locate my husband to serve papers for a court appearence to address his back pay. She finally caught up to him. He did not show in court (to say the least).<P>Anyway, as if this is not enough to drive one to insanity, I tried to address these matters with him in effort to organize a method of payment. He has since been even more withdrawn and has focused all of his energy on work. <P>He has always been withdrawn when it comes to matters of importance. It seems as though we can have fun if he does not have to act responsibly but the minute I approach him about something that requires attention his snaps at me.<P>I have developed an extreme amount of bitterness and pain. Not only because he has withheld important information from me. But also because he has neglected everything around him aside from work. I have made this possible for him in that I handle my business, our home, our financial matters, as well as take care of his needs such as making lunch and picking up all the slack that is left behind.<P>I am very lonely. He does not nor has he ever initated affection, sex, or conversation (And believe me, I am by no means exagerating). He does not comfort me when I am sad or lonely. He just stays away. I know that his method of coping is complete avoidance. How do I fight this. How do I make him know that marriage requires mutual effort and respect. I am so tired. I am tired of trying to reach him. I am tired of having to be the only one who needs to be responsible. I am tired of giving.<P>What's really strange is that he has this endless smile and laughter about him. He tells me that I just don't know how to be happy. I try and remind him that I am overwhelmed and bitter at the fact that He initiates nothing. That just because I cannot put a smile on my face every minute of the day does not mean I cannot be happy. He does not and will not understand that I have given so much in this marriage and I AM EXHAUSTED!<P>But.....I don't want my marriage to end. And that may just be for the sake of commitment. Sound crazy?<P>My bitterness and pain have turned into anger. I have no patience with him when I attempt to talk with him. It is almost as though I am expecting him to snap at me. Unless I keep the conversation light. Then it's not so bad. But how can I keep conversation light while managing a business, our household, and my lonliness?<P>Am I just suppose to be the happy wife who does not complain even though my husband refuses to be an active part of this marriage. Even though my husband has kept vital information from me. Even though my husband cannot come home and share his daily activity with me. Even though he cannot come home and hug me, maybe kiss me, maybe plan an evening out for me? I feel like a babysitter who is simply watching out for and taking care of him. Where is the mutual partner who is willing to share emotion, love, support, and responsibility as well as fun??????<P>Please tell me.<P>Superwoman <P>------------------<BR>Superwoman

Is this your first marriage. Is that why you are striving to make this work? Have you any children with this man? Sometimes we stay in situations which are so bad for us because we love this person with all our heart. Do you share equal in financial areas? Will his debts be shared by your own money from your bussiness also.....? Basically he sounds like a man who just wishes all of it will go away. I have IRS problems also. You tend to live in fear of them placing liens, garnishing wages, etc.. Maybe his pride is just standing in the way and he feels he can get away with this behavior because you let him. Co-dependent perhaps? I dont mean to<BR>sound unfair to you, You are a special women for putting up with all this. He should realize he has a real treasure with you.

Thanks for the response. And no, you are not being unfair. I had been co-dependent most of my childhood resulting from my mother's abondonment. She left myself and my two siblings with a workaholic step-father when we were very young. I took responsibility for that because I was the closest one to her before she disappeared. That's a whole nother story within itself. I have undergone biofeedback therapy for quite some times in effort to rid myself of those demons. Funny that I married a workaholic who lives a life resulting in neglect of his family and personal responsibility, huh? <P>Anyway, This is my second marriage. I was physically abused in my first by a man who was possessive, obsessive, addictive and any other "ive" you could possibly imagine.<P>I want my marriage to work for the sake of making it work, I guess. Sound funny? Don't want to bail out as easily as Mom always did. My husband is not aware of why I continue to make this work. I am afraid that is something he would take advantage of. I know that I have allowed him to continue this behavior. I have tried to express my feelings of sadness, sense of feeling overwhelmed, and lonliness to him. He says he already knows that he is a failure. <P>I think you are right about the pride issue. He certainly does have a great deal of pride. When I asked why he did not tell me of his financial situation he said it is none of my business and has nothing to do with me. That they are his bills. I have recently set up an "IRS only" account to which I am making regular deposits. I guess I am trying to make him see that in this marriage we can help one another rather than live two completely separate lives under the same roof.<P>As for my co-dependency....Well, I am working on that everyday. I have overcome the struggle with trying to make and keep everyone happy. I have also learned that I cannot change anyone. This lead me to explain to my husband that I just didn't feel as though our two lives could unite in any way. I told him that He was not at fault and neither was I. I asked for a peaceful ending and told him I did not want to carry anger and bitterness in my heart. He said if you are looking for approval to leave, you won't find it here.<P>What to do? Don't know. All that I do know is that this has been and is very exhausting. I just want a mutual partner who is willing to follow his own dreams as well as be a part of mine. I don't want to rob anyone of their own identity. I just want to be an active part of their dreams and want them to be a part of mine.<P>Superwoman