hi. I am finally admitting to myself that I don't love my husband anymore. when I think about our marriage I just feel numb. There is absolutely no affection between us. We never hug or kiss each other - I can't remember the last time we did. Our marriage is very lonely and our house is very sad and we both deserve better. We have been married 29 years. Have 3 children all in their 20's. For 25 of the 29 years our focus was on our children. We rarely, if ever, did anything for ourselves. Now that they are all grown and gone we have discovered that we don't know each other at all. We don't have anything in common except our children. I read he hates to read. I love country music he HATES country music. He likes to garden I seldom go out in the sun. He watches TV in the family room and I read in the living room. I guess you get the picture. I have this yearning to feel loved and cherished and my heart aches for what I know is missing from our marriage. My H says he loves me very much and he wants to do whatever he can to make things right. I'm just not sure I care enough to put forth the effort. Maybe I'm restless because I just turned 50. I have never cheated on my husband and I know he has never cheated on me. Lately, however, I am very vulnerable to anyone to gives me any kind of affection<BR>and there is a special man who has indicated that he would like to be more than friends. I have always considered adultery a sin and I am scared to take that first step because I know there is no going back. I don't know what to do.<P>

Hello<P>you are standing on the cliff edge ready to jump..and believe me the pain and suffering you will cause to yourself, your husband, the other man, your families will be BEYOND any thing you can imagine<P>secretly you wont agree with me, you will say but Im not happy, I deserve happiness, the other man really cares about me, blah blah blah<P>honey, plse read the infdelity section..and then tell me if it will be worth it<P>ASK ANYONE in that forum if its worth it<P>here is the answer to NOT making the worst mistake of your life<P>***print out your post and show it to your husband tonite***<P>this will immediately tell him how unhappy you are and that he needs to make IMMEDIATE changes<BR>the good news is you care enough to question before you jump<P>yes it will hurt him, yes you will be scared, but isnt this a lot easier than telling him about your affair in a few months time<BR>Im sure you would rather your children learn that you did this, then learn about how you will soon be sleeping with some other guy<P>immediatley order the book His Needs Her Needs from this site<BR>read it as soon as you can<P>and then together go to marriage counselling as soon as possible<BR>this is VITAL<P>promise to stay away from the Om for at least three months<P>after that time, your marriage will be so much happier you wont need him I PROMISE YOU<P>PLEASE TELL ME you have shown your H your post and that together you have decided to work on your marriage so you are BOTH happy<P>BTW is your Husband happy? maybe he is just as unhappy as you?<BR>why not try together..IT IS POSSIBLE<P>

I cannot tell you how much I agree with B. It is good that you are in these forums looking for answers. Please, please know that your feelings for your husband can be regained. The value and joy of learning to love your husband again is beyond imagination. Please work on your marriage, even when right now you don't feel like it. My God bless you both.

I firmly agree. I am living proof, Although I did not meet the man I am married to now until way after my ex husband and I divorced.<BR>There is something about the man you have children with. Your children will not really accept another man for you or a woman for your husband. They will accept it on the forefront, but think of holidays when the kids and grandkids come home. Where do they come home to. This is expecially true I think, If you get along ok with your husband you just think you will be happier somewhere else. I feel a kindred spirit for my x now that sometimes I just wish the feeling would go away. But it won't. It's not that I don't love the man I am married to now. But you know, I wouldn't have known him if I hadn't gotten divorced and it's awful having many years with your kids father ( mine was 19) and all those memories that you all should share as you get older will just never be the same. <BR>Let your husband know and let him read all of these posts. I understand how you feel and he has got to understand that you both need rejuvenation in your marriage. Go to counseling a bit. Then take some romantic vactions together and REDISCOVER. It WILL be worth it.<P>didi<BR>

Geez.......<P> You all really crack me up. This lady says she does not love him anymore. I know where you are coming from hon. I went to thereapy for a year and she knew all about my marriage. She told me that I was happy with everything till I talked about hubby. My thereapist told me kids will get over splitting in time. She said thats better then seeing you unhappy year after year. She also once told me think about when your kids grow older. They ask why you stayed in a marriage that you were not happy in. You tell them because of you kids. They will look at you and say its not our fault you were not happiley married. When she told me that it made alot of since to me. You think about it. I have been married 14 years been with for 16 and I am not in love anymore either. It does not just come back either. Sometimes you just change so much you drift apart. You all make it sound so damn easy. Well its not. I have tryed almost 2 years and we just don't have anything in common anymore. As for another man. SOme people don't have guilt after this. You can only take feeling empty and lonely inside for so long. I know most think infidelity is wrong. Well we all have needs and there comes a time and point where those needs need meet. I know all will think I am wrong here. But those are my feelings. Antother think I learned in thereapy. Your feelings are yours and nobody can change them. I am sure I will get alot of crap from this post too. Also wanted to add what about a boring sex partner? Oh yeh what a blast there. And not willing to learn on there own. As to reading or talking to others etc I think you get my drift there. If they are not willing what are you suppose to do. I learned myself and talking to friends,reading. Now I enjoy it more then ever. Wish I could just enjoy with somenbody I was in love with. Well thanks I venged my opinions again.

geez you crack me up<BR>why didnt YOU just leave your marriage then<P>you prefer to cheat and lie to everyone you know I guess and gloat about it<P>hey I just said she should be honest with her Husband, and show him her true feelings (her post)and maybe he will wake up and change if she's totally honest<P>what the hell is wrong with that<P>I guess she can look forward to being someone like you if she enters into an affair..a very bitter person. I hope she doesnt follow your path, you sound really unhappy with the life youve made for yourself<BR>

B.........<P> Let me tell you something. For one I was not gloating I was writing my feelings. ANd who said I had an affair? You better read that over again. I said we all have needs and if you cannot find them any longer with who you married let it go and move on. I am still married because for 2 years trying to see if my feelings come back. They have not. So am working on trying to find happiness for me for once. Why don't you try being in a marriage where you were verbally abused by a drinker for 13 years see where it takes you. Well me took me into depression where have to take meds now. Also had to see a thereapist for a year. Wow me never thought it could happen. Well it does and the one you were loving to year after year did that to you. No I am not saying I was perfect. God knows none of us are. But sweeping it all under and keeping my mouth shut was what I did wrong. So now you tell me I am gloating. Some people think its so easy as black and white. Well wake up honey we are not robots I have feelings too here. And I never thought I could feel so empty inside as I have for 2 years now. So if ya don't like what I write then don't read it. See ya

ok Im sorry.I hope you DO find happiness.<BR>But if youre thinking of an affair, its not going to answer your problems. I wish you luck in finding the strength to leave your marriage if its that bad.<BR>at least we can agree that she needs to be completely honest about how unhgappy she is<BR>lets hope she can share her post with her husband so at least her unhappiness is completely understood, before she makes a very bad decision of only TEMPORARILY easing her problems by entering into an affair

WONDER--I TOTALLY AGREE, BUT I THINK YOU PROBABLY STAYED TOO LONG. AS FAR AS I KNOW, WE ONLY GET ONE LIFE TO LIVE AND WE DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE IT IN MISERY FOR MOST OF OUR LIVES. AS YOU KNOW, WE WOMEN ARE FAMOUS FOR TRYING TO "CHANGE" OUR MEN-IT DOESN'T WORK. SHE NEEDS TO MOVE ON AND COUNT IT AS A LOSS--FOR HIM!

KRB........<P> You know I was once told you only find true love once in a lifetime. Some maybe twice if they are lucky. Well where is it here? I probably have stayed to long. But then again I did not know better. I finally opened my eyes to the drinking but was years later. 13 to be exact. Hes a good person don't get me wrong. Just not the one for me i don't think not anymore. I don't know looking back now if he ever really was. In therapy we did find out his drinking was only part of our problems. We never really communicated at all. Pretty sad huh? Well now I know what I have missed out on and that is ALOT. I also have stayed of coarse like others for the kids. But I know an affair is a temporary fix. But sometimes i wonder what if that would be your true love you were looking for all along? Its so so hard to be unhappy day in and day out. The worst fear I have is if I were to leave this earth tommorrow that I would be leaving it an unhappy person. And that scares me to death. Well thanks for the respones all please keep it up. Thanks

Hi..Thank you all for your responses..You have given me much to think about. Right now I am trying to relax and let my brain shutdown for a day. I am secretary/ receptionist/chief cook and bottle washer at a small MD's family practice office and she and I had quite the week. Saw lots of very sick people including one little 8 year old girl who has a particularly severe case of shingles and EVERYTHING she came into contact with at the office had to be cloroxed...Well my skirt WAS dark blue when I started that project! Even though I wear a lab coat my skirt now has white polka dots. The Dr. and I did close the office early on Thursday and went sailing with the Chiropractor in the office next to ours. He has 40' boat and took us sailing in the bay for approx. 4 hours. The sky was so blue, the wind was perfect, the sails billowing in the wind. The boat has a stereo system so we listened to Bob Marley and Jimmy Buffett as we sailed along....The Doc makes a pretty good margarita, too! I haven't had that much fun in a long, long time, and it was overdue. I really do love working in MD's office, though. We have large # of Medicare patients (ages 70 and up to a woman who is 94 and still driving- can't stand the idea that she has to use a cane because it cuts into her social life) and I love them and they love me....I get hugs and kisses most every day. Since there is no<BR>affection at home I eat this stuff up like a puppy getting a pat on the head. Even though there is sadness when one of them dies there are also so many rewards. My H tells me I give too much of myself at work..maybe he's right but if I didn't get affection there I wouldn't get any at all. I'm sorry, I'm rambling....First of all, no I did NOT show<BR>H this stuff. Our daughter graduates from college next weekend and I would NEVER do anything to ruin that special day for her, H, or myself. She is our baby and a very special young woman and it is her day to shine! Also it is not possible for me to stay away from OM...he is a patient of ours and comes in at regular intervals to have BP checked (he has some long term complications as the result of having had Lyme Disease) and will continue to be a patient for a long time to come. I just have to try and keep the relationship strictly professional. When I think about possibly leaving H the first thought that comes to mind is do I want to have to memorize someone else's Social Security number? I know I'm being facetious but I think you probably know what I mean. I have known this man since I was 19 years old...am now 50. We have a lot of history together. I guess I'm still sitting on that fence. H absolutely refuses therapy...says we don't have a problem and he will not "spill his guts to a shrink" - even our daughter has tried to convince him to go and usually he'll do anything she asks but he still refuses. He does know that I'm not happy and I can tell that he doesn't know what to do about it. It all seemed to come to a head at Christmas. There was so much tension in the air that our 3 children couldn't wait to get back to their respective homes to get away from it and us. H returned every gift I gave him..told me I am a *****..and don't bother to get him any more gifts--don't worry I won't. A few days later he wanted to be all lovey-dovey again which is usually "slam bam thank you mam" stuff. No cuddles, kisses, just get down to doing it and get it done...oh wow! What a turn on that is!I know I am not an easy person to live with. I have a history of manic-depression which is being successfully treated with meds. There was a period of time when I was really down, suicidal, knew how and where it would happen just not when. A good doctor helped me get through it but as I said my husband doesn't believe in or have any confidence in Psychiatry. I asked him to come to a session with me and he got so angry at the Dr. he almost punched him. That was good for my depression, too. I still see MD but H never asks how session went or how I am. He just knows it's a night when he has to fix his own dinner. Well enough for now. The cats are demanding food and I've got to go. Take care, all of you.

GSG,<P>I totally understand where you are coming from. I am also married for many years and I have 2 daughters in their 20's who are living away from home. Now that the distraction of kids, and their friends in and out of the house, it is more obvious to me what is missing in my relatiopnship with my husband. I am in therapy and dealing with this issue. It is very difficult......as you indicated we have shared a lot of life together, but I also feel lonely and know that there has to be more in a relationship for me. It is just so damn hard to deal with this, and do it. I have often thought of an affair,(to offset what is missing for me at home), but I know that it will complicate matters for me, so I am trying to put that aside until I decide what I am going to do here. This is absolutely not an easy or pleasurable place to be!<P>

GS and DL........<P> Boy are we all three in the same boat. Only difference is my kids are still fairly young. But boy can I relate to DL when she said something is missing. I have not been married as long as you two but feel all those feelings. DL I was in thereapy for a year. It did help sort somethings out for me but not all. I do know from going to thereapy I learned we never really ever .communicated. I know what I want to do just have to wait till right time. I know that might sound cold but really am not trying to be that at all. I do not repeat do not want to live like roomates till kids are gone. I want to feel in love again. I am not sure if thats in the cards for me or not. And about seeing if someone else can fulfill your needs well (affair) I can also relate to those feelings also. Thank goodness for my friends and family. I did build a nice wall around me for awhile also. Still sort of there figure won't be hurt anymore that way. So many say you have to work at the marriage and the love feelings. Well to me you should always feel it in your heart no matter how long have been with them. And I don't feel that at all. And havn't for almost 2 years now. Well sorry so long hope you respond back. Nice to know others out there just like me.

i appreciate everyone's honesty, especially wonders'. i too don't feel in love with or real love for my w. she's a wonderful person and treats me wonderfully. i had an affair, it's been over for several months, but i still think of the ow every day. it's so hard for me to know my true feelings. i've read a ton on stuff on this board and still haven't figured myself out. i'm visiting the area in which my xow lives in a few days. i find myself thinking of leaving a note pinned to a tree and what i want to write. i know it's wrong, i know it will never work out for us, the ow and me, and it serves no useful purpose what so ever. but i'm still thinking about it and will probably leave a note. i see it being like the note left on the bridge in the movie, bridges of madison county. this feeling i have must be expressed. i suspect she will think it's silly, but maybe not. i too wonder, am i going to spend the rest of my life with a hole in my heart. yea, i'm hurting, silently. my w asks me if i'm glad i came back. i lie. the thought of breaking her heart, again, just kills me.

Wonder,<P>We sure are in the same boat! Not an easy one to be in, either.........Is there any hope for your relationship? In other words, have you told your husband how you feel? If so, does he try to connect with you more? I have told mine, and he tries, but it is not enough at all..............I agree, thank god for good friends and my sister.....Even though my daughters are on their own, so to speak, it is still difficult to leave a person whom I have lived with this long. It is a process, if you know what I mean.....

Frankie and DL.......<P> Gosh Frankie I think the note on a tree is really neat. I wish somebody would do that for me. But never have had that. I have never really been romanced and I know its something I would really like to see in this lifetime. I also know the feelings of thinking about another all the time. Its hell not knowing one day to the next what will happen. I say if you have found true love for yourself go for it. They say true love only comes once in a lifetime and if your lucky twice. I have yet to find the first. Because I feel in my heart my hubby was not the first. I know that sounds mean but you cannot help how you feel. I think at times when we are young when we get married we are in such a hurry to get married we might have not married the right person. Yes I know people tell me you must have loved him at one time. Well yes I must have to put up with what I did for so long. But then again I did not know any different back then. One grows and change thats when you look at the true picture. Yes DL my hubby knows I am not in love with him anymore. In fact a few weeks ago we were talking and I told him I forgot what true love felt like. He said he did to. I said well how can you sit there and say you still love me then. So he more or less contridicted saying he still loves me. Yes he trys to do things that your hubby trys but it does not change my feelings. I don't think I can ever be in love with him again. Its just not there and in my heart I feel he deserves to find another who knows him as he is now not who he was. As for me I have such a big hole don't know if anybody could ever fill it again. Its like you are in this dark tunnel and you cannot see the light. They say God only gives you what you can handle. Well if he wants me to hit rock bottom first I am damn close. Friends tell me it will get better they know it. Well I cannot see the positive at all like they do. You feel any of these things DL and Frankie? I am glad I know there are others out there who have these feelings also. Now wish that door would open to all the ones I have had close on me. Keep in touch please.<BR>

Wonder, Frankie,<P>Wonder, you just said so much of what I feel, it is almost weird! I was thinking of that after reading frankie's post.......That is an awsome thing to do for a women! Frankie, why do you feel that you and the ow cannot work something out together? Is she married also? You really sound as if you are very much in love with her! Taht has to be painful for you, since you are not with her. It is sad......<P>Wonder, You seem very sure that you don't want to stay anymore. I forget, why are you staying now? the kids are young? You sound so sure and ready to move on..........I am getting ready to do that, but at a snails pace. I asked my husband to give me time alone......a separation.........he is thinking about it. He may have to consult in another city in Sept, so he said that he would get an apt there for awhile. It IS living taking each day at a time! Totally! I have heard that same thing, that I must have loved him to marry him.......I was young...just finished undergrad school. I did not know myself, let alone who would be good for me. Also, sexually, I was always hotter and needed sex more than he. Always thought that would change for him.....At times it did, but for the most part......not at all! I met someone online who is married also, and in a similar boat. We have become close, but we pull away from each other at times because of circumstances. We are very close, and care about each other, we have talked on the phone, and may meet someday, but I am worried that I will be in your place, frankie, in love with someone who is not really available. Got to run......catch you all later........<BR>

Here's a thought that may or may not apply:<P>No one can be happy in a relationship until they are first happy with themselves.<P>And a second thought:<P>Happy people find that happiness within themselves, they do not ask others to provide it for them.<P>If you accept that, then the converse follows:<P>Miserable people are miserable because they make themselves miserable.<P>If you are blaming your spouse for your unhappiness, and that unhappiness runs deep, then maybe the best thing you can do for both of you is leave. That way, in time, you will be able to see if the marriage really was the problem, or if it was just a catch all for other sources of unhappiness in your life. It takes years to figure out, because all the grief and then the emotional roller coaster of dating all these new people who all start out perfect but end up "worse", and then remarriage, etc., it is all very distracting. I think that is why so many people who write in these posts that they now have new respect for their former spouse, and aren't sure about the new one. But once you leave, you probably can't go back. If you find out later there were other factors, it's too late.<P>Something that I found useful when I recently had to reconsider my life was to work with a counselor on my own "core beliefs". Also useful is to make a list of real objectives for your marriage and your life. I mean real things like "is a good mother/father" or "pays half the mortgage". For your life you might put "get a degree in fine arts" or "open my own business". "Love", the kind that makes you feel all gooey inside, doesn't belong on the list because it comes and goes. It's an emotional response to having all your unfilled needs met by someone else. Eventually we have to learn to meet many of these needs on our own. In one of his books on families John Bradshaw referred to this type of love as an "illness". It's not the type of love that builds strong relationships, which is based on commitment, mutual respect, and giving.<P>Anyway, once you have your list, see which if any things are being met. Then look around and realistically see if there is a wide selection of other spouses that would be much better at meeting your needs and also seem relatively available. If anything, this exercise might provide a better understanding of just what shade of greener the grass on the other side really is. Also, you might find that maybe the unhappiness is just a signal that your life is stuck and you need something more. I'm thinking especially of gsg50. With all the kids grown, maybe your responsibilities are greatly reduced and you need something new in your life? A change of career maybe? Or get involved with an important charity organization? Just a suggestion.<P>Don't get me wrong, I can see that the marriage needs work. Your husband needs to come around on the counseling idea. But maybe let your daughter handle that one. He may feel defensive or believe your are blaming him for the failures in the relationship.<BR>

Nonpulsed.......<P> I agree with you on some of your post. You do have to be happy with yourself inside. But knowing you loved this person and they took that for granted can destroy you inside too. Everything needs work yes. My husband is a good father for the most part at least alot better since the drinking quit. He does work hard at his job I know that. But then so do I. I am trying to find another part time job I enjoy to add to my other 2 but right now what I wanted and applied for have not gotten yet. That was another let down for me. Who said the grass is always greener on the other side? Well can't be any blacker then what I see or feel now. We don't know who we are suppose to meet etc. We supposedly meet certain people for a reason. I know people who were not happy and found another and alot happier also. What about affection you never mentioned that? I miss that the most. Not just the sex but the intmitacy that goes along with. We were never no damn lovey dovey couple but thats no fun when someone smells like alochol all the time. I have worte things down. I try and look at the big picture. But don't see much yet. I know I have to be happy with me first and God knows I have tryed. I try everyday I wake up. All I know if it does come to seperating I know I can not feel any more alone then I do now. Some think its so easy. I have forgivien him for the verbal abuse but it will always stay with me cannot forget it. That might be wrong and I am trying to get over the resentment also but just hangs in there. I pary every night asking for help on all this and to open a door for me again but so far nothing. So Gs and others if you can relate to what I am saying please let me know. Thanks

I also have the heartache. I want so much to be loved and appreciated for who I am. But on the otherhand somehow I have to make myself happy because, guess what, I couldn't afford to leave! It takes both our salaries to make the mortgage payment, utilities, food, help the kids when necessary....there just wouldn't be any left. So I'm stuck in this relationship and have to find a way to be content somehow. Right now I am going through the motions everyday.Get up go to work, come home, fix dinner, go to bed. Some days I don't think I have had time to have a single thought about ME. I just run on automatic. I'm tired of feeling so empty all the time and I know the change has to start within me. Just don't know how to do that. Any ideas guys?