Does anyone else struggle with this? Feelings of selfishness and pity like DAILY!?? When is it MY turn to be tired and selfish and taken care of? When is it MY turn to cast off the cares and scruples and have some fun before I die????<P>I know that isn't "christian"- but I'm telling you what, living the Christian life has been just one stinking struggle after another- with my STBX's betrayal as the final blow that seals my coffin!!! I understand that Christ said to take up your cross to follow him- but does he really mean for us to be laying on the side of the path with broken legs and a bleeding heart??? ALL OF THE TIME like this?????????<P>Why doesn't even ONE thing good happen to me? I mean I have my kids- but I'm talking in general- I understand life isn't a bed of roses- but is there EVER a period of more than a few days where things might go good? Do I just NOT DESERVE to have a dream realized? Even dreams that have been centered in the Lord have turned to ashes and burnt me so badly I'm like a walking zombie!!!<P>I feel like I want to just disappear from life <P>TLFM<P>What am I doing wrong????

Christ also says that his yoke is light. I have little to tell you beyond the idea that there is payback, here or in the next life. Even so, total <I>asceticism</I> is not, and never was, required.

Aaaah, I'm going to give you the answer that my Al-Anon sponsor gave me - I'm sure you won't like it anymore than I did!!<P>It IS "your turn". You could right now, this second, abandon all morals, values, commitments and obligations and pursue your life of "fun and ME".<P>But you are CHOOSING not to. You are NOT a victim. You are choosing to feel like a martyr, but you are most certainly not one. You have CHOSEN to honor your responsiblities and obligations. There is not ONE person who could force you to do otherwise right now. You are freely, from your own choice, choosing to do what you are doing.<P>Nope, not a victim...so take off that martyr robe!!<P>I can tell you that a little over a year ago, I called up my sponsor, and I threw a major temper tantrum. I was furious at my H and furious at God.<P>My H left me for another woman, he was living on his own, living the life of bachelor freedom, dating a woman who was free to do all kinds of recreational things with him that he had always wanted to do...<P>And I....I was sitting at home, with 2 young boys with psychiatric difficulties, no career because I had been a stay at home mom, and to top it all off...I was PREGNANT.<P>Oh yes, 2 weeks after he moved out to start his new life with his "soulmate", my pregnancy test turned up positive. And it was a high-risk, difficult pregnancy too.<P>Ok, so I had good reason to be pissed both at God for letting me get pregnant, and for my H for getting to run off and live the fun life.<P>So when my sponsor gave me the answer I just gave you above...I was furious. <P>She pointed out that I was prefectly capable and free to abandon my children at any time, just as my H had. No one was stopping me...I was making a choice.<P>And she asked me, "So, BR, what will be the consequences of your choices, and what will be the consequences of your H's choices?" Of course, I whined and moaned about my future, how I was going to struggle and how my H was freely rushing into a bright future.<P>And she asked: "And what about your relationship with your children?" <P>Well uh,....and she asked, Who do you think they will love and respect ....and who do you think they will not have a relationship with as a result of your choices???<P>And so she made her point. It all boils down to what we want out of life, and what we CHOSE to do about it.<P>Its funny, I thought EVERYTHING in my life was going wrong. Not even ONE detail of my life seemed to be working right. As long as I stayed in that victim attitude...thats how I continued to perceive my life.<P>Once I stepped out of victimhood and took responsiblity for my own life and my own choices, my life all of a sudden started looking up.<P>You can't ever have it all. So make your choice and follow it, but don't ever think that you are a victim.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

I said the same thing to my best friend Monday(I am also in counseling with a Christian Counsler and my best friend is a guide thru my sessions) This is how she helped me when I said this.... She pulled the Bible down and started to read the 10 commandments to me (the last thing I wanted to hear!!) She asked me if I knew why they were written and I said to restrict me and she said no "to protect you" There are consequences for all of our actions and that is why we need to follow "these rules" they are not to hinder us but they are from someone who loves us and wants to protect us from bad things. I hope this helps you like it helped me.

God gives to each only that which He knows they can handle.<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

I am just having a selfish hard and angry day. I know that I need to get off my rear end and live my life centered in God and for my kids-<P>I'm just sick and tired and feel like running away- even if it is for a short while!! Can't it be even for a short while??? <P>Why do so many bad things happen to good people- right now- I think Satan won- I KNOW he won- he has destroyed my family, my faith, my life- and it is all I can do to try to keep him from destroying my kids- but sure enough- since we are in I think the FOURTH GENERATION of cheaters and affairs- I don't think there is a whole lot I can do to protect them- and don't think there isANYTHING God is going to do to protect them...<P>I'm sorry- I just feel so sick and hopeless- why do I feel so miserable when I choose to be the strong one for my kids all these years while my STBX was out having his cake??<P>Sorry- that makes me mad- mad enough to not ever let him love me now because he WILL NOT have had his fun and then get me too...<P>Sorry- blowing off more steam here- just wanting to disappear- i wish i was dead

Well...TLFM...I tried to tell you about this before, and I failed. At the risk of getting my head bitten off (again )...you could always return to your H, who at my last count wanted to make things better, and had returned to God.<BR>...or, you could try to find a soul massage place .<P>Either way, at the end of the day, you are always left with you. I suspect that you are not too comfortable with you.<P>No, I don't think it ever stops, and no Satan lost 2000 years ago. Rage against God if you must, just don't stand next to me when you do!<P>{{{{{ TLFM }}}}}....you need to forgive yourself for how you feel. You are after all, only human. Subject to human failings, human desires, human mistakes.<P>...and what's up with blaming genetics? -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 25, 2001).]

Could it possibly be that right now, right this second, this is the lowest you have felt? Then maybe right now is the time God has been patiently waiting for - maybe He is expecting/hoping that right now you will give it all up to him and ask him for His help AND BELIEVE that it will come.<P>Yes evil does exist, but it IS subservient to God. I know you are just venting - its probably been a "****ty day/week/month/year" and to hear something "preachy" is the last thing you want to hear. I remember being in your shoes - I remember feeling that way - I remember crying so hard that my chest hurt - I remember wanting my wife to come back so bad I made myself sick to my stomach and I remember praying so hard for God to answer my prayers.<P>That was about 6 months ago. Now I am divorced, so all my prayers have not been answered. But I'll tell you what - He helped me persevere through the worst. I still have a long way to go to get back to "me" and maybe one day He will help to reunite me with my X. But even if He doesn't, looking back I can so clearly see the times He DID step in. What appeared at the time to be coincidences, now I see that it was only my prayers being answered one at a time. Just as He can't (won't) MAKE your spouse come back or come to his senses, He will be there for you if you only let Him.<P>Know that we all sympathize with you right now and we all wish there was some way for you not to experience the pain and hurt, but also know that it DOES get better. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep on going - one day at a time - one hour at a time - even one minute at a time...<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Mike- <BR>Is it genetics? Or is it just a fact in life that everyone cheats or is cheated on? I guess I'm not sure which- I don't think I can name one couple that one or the other spouse (any times both) hasn't been either the betrayed or the betrayor- we come from four generations of affair happy people- I look at my three kids everyday and shudder to think what the future must hold for them!<P>It scares me too much to allow my future relationship and security in love be based on the state of someone else's relationship with God- such is the case for me...<P>sigh..... <P>so I guess I get to live alone in my misery (and say ta ta to future sexual activity- which I KNOW you KNOW I love)-<P>I am NOT happy with myself at the moment- how did I get to this point? How could I have been so damn stupid? and so damn DISPENSABLE!!???? I'm not happy with how I feel the need for revenge- how I feel about a future alone- and worse how I feel about not wanting to spend the next twenty years looking over my shoulder if I allow myself to succomb to this "changed" man...<P>You will also have to pardon my hopeless state of being at the moment- I just returned from such an emotionally draining week with family- all of which have been thru affairs and not ever settled, changed, or grown in love, happiness and the Lord....<P>I just want to run far far away and never look back- and to take my kids with me and protect them from everything I possibly can that has come along and ripped my life to shreds <P>I'm not ripping, infact, I'm sitting here crying for all of the "could have beens" and "never will be's" for they and I.... I feel like I'm about 7 years old shaking my fists and saying "it isn't fair!!"<P>When do the tears stop falling again?<P>Sauni

If I could answer that one, I wouldn't be here, either. I had a day like that one Monday. XW called, asked me if I would watch our 6 year old...of course I would...he's my little buddy...except that I'm trying to put together a Chapet 7 bankruptcy...make house house habitable, get employment, move on, find a reason to live, etc...you know, just normal stuff.<BR>Well, the tax check comes...of course it requires her signature...no problem, she signed. On my way to cash it, the water pump fan flies off, lodges itself in the radiator, and we are stranded. No problem, I've got $600 dollars in my pocket, right? Bank flat out refuses to cash the check! A Treasury Department check! Not a joint account...well, no duh...I'm divorced from her, ya moron! So, I'm stranded 5 miles from home, its 95 degrees, and I'm flat broke, with an unhappy 6 year old in tow...great.<P>I'm not sure how much of this is my doing, God's reproof, Satan's game playing, or my imagination at this point...really, its too much...when I choose to make it so. Like BR said, its all about choices, and perceptions. All too easy to lie down, and quit. Believe me when I tell you, my plate is full, full, full. Give it to God? Trust that everything will be alright? Have faith? In the midst of all of this?<P>The simple answer is simply yes. That is exactly what is required...plus, as you stated, getting off our butts, and doing something...anything at all.<P>I think you made a couple of very key statments in your last post...something about not being happy with yourself <B>at the moment</B>....and the implication that you were going to be celibate for the remainder of your life. It is important not to confuse the moment with the rest of your life....Hell, at one point you thought that you would be married for the rest of your life...totally convinced. So, life is more liquid than we thought.<P>This is seriously heavy duty stuff that we are mired in now, and we want some absolutes, because what we thought was absolute was not. Don't force them like that, Sauni...its not healthy! Besides, I suspect that your level of interest in sex will not change, and also...someone else will benefit from that, too! (Maybe some lucky cabana boy...who knows? )<P>I wrote up something I 'stole' a great deal of from a book that I am reading about the brain...there is a link to it on my 'Models' thread...maybe not a good choice of words...like my handle...I've recently thought to rename myself 'not_holding_my_breath_for_her', but that's just too damned much typing!<P>Look, TLFM, I've always liked you...mostly because of your committment to being true to yourself...you know that we disagreed pretty harshly at first...but I respected the absolute connectedness you have to the way that you feel, and that is integrity in action...very rare. Don't deprive the rest of us of that...we need that in the world, don't you think? BTW, your kids will remember that the most about you...character...that may be the only thing that keeps them from having a PA when they grow up.<P>God bless you...relax some, and feel better about yourself...if for no other reason, I told you so! -Mike

Just wanted to say, I read your post and this week I really could have written it almost word for word myself. It has been a "what about me?" kind of week. It seems we are both in the same place now and I will pray that we seek God's wisdom and accept His timing. I readily admit this is my weakness. I give things to God then try to help Him along with them, just in case He's too busy, ya know??? It's pretty hard to let go and let God when I can't get past the let go part.<P>Anyway, I am thinking about you. You are not alone. You are being prayed for. You are being a good influence on your children. Don't sell yourself short. God Bless<P>Lynn