My wife feels our marriage has a faulty foundation. She obsessed over me and was infatuated with me until we got married, then her interest in me became less and less over 14 years. Her infatuation never transitioned into mature love. She is interested in different kinds of men. Does anyone know of a way out?<BR>Other factors: She's a Christian. She has been romance-addicted all our marriage and has had a massive fantasy life.<p>[This message has been edited by BillX (edited August 06, 2001).]

A way out? I thought we were looking for cheese, man!<P><B>Welcome to Marriage Builders!</B><P>No, if I did I would not be here, either. Now, if you are willing to work at it real hard, you might find a way back...go back to square one....in your marriage, and at this site...read until your eyes fall out, pick them up, pop them back in, and read some more...you need to educated yourself...'romance addicted'? Looks like you need to make a few realizations about your wife's emotional needs...like yesterday. Why did her love not mature, do you suppose? -Mike

BillX--<P>Whoa, deja vu all over again. Not sure the specifics but sure sounds familiar. I'm in my tenth year of marriage and my wife had her third affair in three years (may still be having it for all I know--was passively solicited by a former classmate just yesterday). She insists she is not seeing OM. Whenever I have found proof, she lies and denies it. She is the monarch of denial, constantly reinventing herself to feed her ego.<P>Your phrase really caught my eye: romance addict. Very profound. My wife reads and watches Jane Austen constantly--some of which I have seen and enjoyed. Some stuff I don't care for. Knowing that it has such a profound impact on her is troubling. She longs for it, pines for it. In addition, she earns nearly twice my salary and yet now insists she always planned to be taken care of! Feels like a no-win situation but there are still signs of hope. Someone once referred to her as a paradox in a midlife crisis. Early 30s seems young but the signs are sure there.<P>We got married in the Catholic Church, tried doing church together, got our kids into Sunday school and then everything suddenly changed. My brother, as part of an ongoing letter correspondence with my wife, wrote her a long letter (16 pages, single-spaced, typed) on why they don't enjoy a better relationship. She was too insecure to accept any kind of feedback and now there are two kinds of people in the world to her--those who enjoy her attention and those who want her to be better than what she is, less flirty, more committed to her marriage and family. She is so not there and seems to claim that she's just not into marriage any more. Proclaimed the "love me or leave me" routine just last night. She agreed to read TrueHeart's long post about wayward spouses but she is still too much in denial (she compared it to an alcoholic) for it to matter. Seeds take patience and watering so I remain hopeful.<P>We had a big discussion last night about what our foundation was, is or should be. Both my parents died, divorced from one another, but strong in their faith in their last years. Witnessing that taught me the importance of having a relationship with God and not waiting until you are at your weakest to do it. Her parents were married in the church but decided, either consciously or by non-choice to not raise a religious family with 7 kids and career-oriented parents. My contention is that whether we realize it or not, often times the common-sense ideals for any relationship tend to have religious roots. <P>I am encouraging her to give MB a try but she is reluctant as it seems to be too religious. In a good way, I find these boards to have a balance--some are, some are not. The point, the goal though is to get people into a plan that will improve their marriage. <P>I wish I knew what one does when it's a one-person road to recovery. I am reading the Harley article about that and it is helping but it's so hard doing all the work knowing that it may not lead to the desired result--better marriage and a solid foundation on which to build. My feeling is she just wants out of this marriage thing and if we went that route, by the time she escapes the fog and realizes what she had, it will be gone as I will have found someone else. How much longer to wait is a tough call. I think the kids are helping me keep the door open as long as I possibly can. <P>My prayers are with you. Fight the good fight.<P>Mike<P>

A small insight just hit me. I've read many stories on this message board of couples who have had a powerful beginning, who are now facing divorce. And I've read stories of couples who don't even talk about their beginning, instead they just point to their committment as the reason that their marriage works. So I don't believe that specific circumstances or behaviors or actions early on in the relationship will define it's success or failure. I believe it's simply a committment to love and be thankful for God's provision for you in a mate. This being said, the human mind (or the Devil) can throw us some powerful destructive curves. I don't know how one snaps out of it when one has their mind "in the fog". It's sad to think that only time seperated (with issues of kids and finances) will cure it, if at all.

Bill - <P>Have you been through the Concepts part of MB yet? I think there are some basic EN's that your wife isn't getting met. You may THINK you are meeting them - but men/women often perceive needs differently. Romance is a BIG need for some women - and some women get it from reading those incredibly saucy novels. Some women aren't able to distinguish between the reality and the novel. The novel is written generally by another woman who wishes that is the way it could be. Maybe you should try reading one of those novels. They do have some great ideas in there.... But, more to the point - try finding her emotional needs and meeting them. Fill out the EN's questionaire with her - and the LB questionaire WITH her... then work together to find a way of meeting her needs more often - as well as meeting your needs.<P>This is a good time for you to find the PLAN A section - read it and get started on a good PLAN A.

Oh, I know I'm not meeting her EN's. And, sure, I need to review the basic concepts sections. Thanks for the suggestion. I'm frustrated though. I've made more effort than ever lately to meet her EN's, but she was in the middle of an affair at the time, which I didn't know about. Now she is pretty hardened against my efforts. She also seems to be working with a new-found-revelation that we are inherently wrong for eachother because of the kind of person I am. I have a long way to go in self-confidence and romance skill, but my weekness in this area has always brought on her wrath, which made growth doubly hard. Plus, I feel like her fantasy life all these years has put her mind in a difficult to reach place regarding what she values in a man. She values what she has gleened from two brief affairs and one on-going cyber affair. How does the person who takes care of all her practical needs compete against her fantasies? I believe that if she really lived with these other men, she wouldn't view me as so deficient. But, although I'll work hard to overcome my shortcomings, I can do nothing to alter her fantasies. I did read the article about Recovering Sexual Desire, and I had my wife read it. She commented that "having your husband join you on your pathway" was too abstract. How do you do this practically????? She just gets angry at theories with no practical steps, or at practical steps that she's tried and don't seem to work (for her). Any thoughts?<BR>

Maybe try here: <A HREF="http://www.retrouvaille.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.retrouvaille.org/</A> <P>There is an ole saying, 'Everyone looks good on Sat night'<BR>hard to overcome that. When you wife sees the OM with their best foot forward and you are running around the house in your underwear. One of the best books I have read on marriage is called the '5 languages of Love' by Dr Gary Chapman. It might be worth a read for you both. <BR>As to her fantasy life, maybe it is time to let her live it awhile. The green grass on the other side most of the time is only covering pond scum. <p>[This message has been edited by Tater_tot (edited July 28, 2001).]