I posted a meesage describing my situation last week and the replies were to use plan A. The problem is that my wife no longer lives with me and really refuses to see me very much at all. Whenever I do see her I am very kind and reassuring to her. I've told her that she can come by at any time and she is always welcome. She spends most of her free time with the OM. We have two children ages 9 &10 and she has started taking them around him too. This bothers me to no end. What do I do ? Confront her about it and go against one of the plan A rules or just let it go. Its almost like I'm in plan B by default since she won't allow me any time with her she's definitley in the drivers seat here. Our divorce date is looming on the horizon (mid sept.)and I'm running out of options. Any suggestions

There is no such thing as Plan B by default. If she is not contacting you, then that doesn't imply that you are in Plan B at all. You need a more thorough understanding of the principles behind Plan A/B. If you are pleasant when you encounter her, and agreeing, and agreeable, that's Plan A. If you are not contacting her, and generally aloof when you communicate, that's more or less Plan B. These are not model building instructions, more of a set of general guidelines that regulate the interaction. More than anything else, they are <B>consistent</B> methods of interaction.<P>Yes, that is pretty much the standard reply...try plan a, try plan b. Well, I have yet to encounter a person who did that, and had it poof! work magic just like that. Your situation is more typical, you are hardly the exception, here. Basically, don't pursue, or pressure her...that's the drill. Agree when you can, be friendly, and silent when you can't. Make returning a safe option...Then get the patience of a saint...because you will need it.<P>The harsh truth of the matter is that you will not likely avoid a divorce at this point, unless she has some sort of major revelation, or change of heart that is totally outside of your control. You have NO OPTIONS at this point, and your failure to see that is causing you to take actions that only serve to drive her further away, I suspect. I might be wrong. Yes, I don't like it when my XW tries to include my children with her OM either...but, neither do they. It is a serious LB to call them on any of that right now. Nor should you discuss it with the kids beyond what they offer without provocation on your part. You need to leave him totally out of it...he's not a part of your family, despite what she thinks. Be your children's father, and they will do what they will do...not your concern.<P>The PA is statistically doomed...even more than your marriage at this point. Look, make yourself a model father and husband (without a wife, true, but you've got to play the hand you're dealt!)...that is a safe option for her. The fog is not likely to lift until after the divorce, and the PA ends, too. That is not under your control, so don't waste any effort trying to control it. You'd be better off trying to control the weather, or rotation of the earth.<P>Spend your time doing things that are doable. -Mike<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 25, 2001).]

I think WFH is a little too fatalistic to say there is nothing you can do. There may not be much you can do, but there is something. Giving up is not the way, man. <P>I'm always suggesting books. Try "Learned Optimism", by Martin Seligman. He's been researching the "giving up" response for many years. I haven't finished the book yet myself, but I'm optimistic about it. <P>-AD

Then I guess I did not make myself clear...I never meant to imply that it was hopeless. The original post was asking how to stop her...I repeat, you cannot...only she can do that. Repeated attempts in the current style will only serve to sever it sooner. What I am trying to say is that he can <B>eventually</B> get back, but this is another of those requests for immediate, stopgap measures, and they do not apply here, IMHO...Fatalistic...hardly...realistic...absolutely. -Mike<BR>BTW, that book is referenced in the link on my 'Models' thread...before you assume that you know what I am saying, check it out.<p>[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 25, 2001).]

WFH,<P>Thanks for the clarification. Maybe I should read a little more slowly.<P>-AD

Thanks for the Input Guys it is much appreciated. I think I will reread the book so I don't go about this so hap -hazzardly. I will continue to be agreeable and kind towards her and heed some of your advice. It does take a lot of patience though, Because when she is around me she really lets me have it with both barrells about any thing from our past she didn't like.<P>Thanks again