If you read any of my previous posts in the subject "Is this Situation Unique?" you will know my history. One funny thing that I didn't ponder until now is that she wants us to keep this separation between us. She doesn't want friends and family to know. She said this is just our problem and nobody else's business. What's up?

My husband left three weeks ago, and he still hasn't told his family about it. I suspect that either he is ashamed and doesn't want them to ask embarrassing questions (we had problems but he had an A), or that he hasn't made up his mind yet if this is a permanent split. I lean heavily towards the first suggestion though. Maybe your wife is the same.<P>Jacky

Good Man,<P>My W didn't want people to know either - at least at first. We concocted an alternate explanation. I am "renovationg the house" and the dust and noise is too much for the baby - so we got this apt. as a getaway. She told that to some people - and so did I.<P>I am actually doing some work on the house - o it's not a completely untrue story.<P>She hasn't told her Mom. That is the scarriest thing yet for her. I mean, she did tell her Mom the renovation story - but I don't think her Mom is buying it.<P>I have told some people - first, her nephew who lives with us, that it's not just because I'm redoing the kitchen. I haven't told my family - although she's been out for 2 months. Mom's in a nursing home and it would break her heart. My W was really really an angel to go with me - taking the baby to see Mom on her birthday. W hates to go the the nursing home - and is afraid that the baby will get germs there. It was wonderful of her to do that - maybe 3 weeks after moving out. Also, she went to my brother's son's birthday party (he was 7) with me. So, she wants to keep up appearances for some reason.<P>The reasons may be that she (and your W) is not sure if we'll get together again - and doesn't want to have to deal with all those people in this. OR, in your W's case, she is ashamed of people finding about about the A. I haven't told anybody about my W's EA.<P>-AD

I think we all know the reasons our WS do not want to tell. The may be some of our own reasons or hesitations... dont want to hurt anyone else, guilt, fear, shame, etc. They would have to own up to the fact that they had an affair. This 'reality' they created may not be as wonderful as they fantasized.

We have not yet separated - I'm still trying to decide what to do - but we have not told anybody that there are any problems. Our case is different, I know, as my husband would lose his job the second anyone found out about his unfaithfulness. Still, it's very hard to put on a happy face and go about as though everything is great in life. Sometimes I wish I had at least one person (besides a paid counselor) who I could talk to and who could be my support system. I guess that's why I keep coming to MB - to at least say some things that are building up.<P>If we do split up, I think I dread his parents finding out the most. They will be crushed.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by A Good Man:<BR><B> One funny thing that I didn't ponder until now is that she wants us to keep this separation between us. She doesn't want friends and family to know. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>AGM,<P>There are many good, sound reasons for keeping this situation just between you two. If you go back to the main page, and read some of Dr. Harley's columns, you will find the answers to your questions. But the essence of it is this: When family, friends and others find out about your situation, enormous societal pressures are brought to bear on an already diffucult situation. People start taking sides, and the results can be disasterous. Still others may seek to take advantage of the situation.<P>When I found out about my wife's infidelity, I tried to keep it a secret, only to find out that her family and friends knew all along, and protected that information. Make a long story short, ex wife's best girlfriend was facing the fact that her husband was involved in a knock down drag em out affair about the same time. Well, we started comparing notes, and before long we were sharing feelings. One afternoon we met for coffee and went for a walk in a park. Suffice it to say, "Splendor in the Grass" had an entirely new meaning before the day was over. . <P>For me it was instant addiction, and from that day until the day my lover died, the idea of ever being a faithful husband to my wife never even occurred to me. So far, a total of six marriages have been destroyed that were related to the ensuing infidelities.<P>If you have any hope at all for your marriage, it is probably safest to keep the situation just between the two of you and a the professional counselor you both so desparately need.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

My wife is doing the same thing about her affair. She's staying with her parents and she said she told her whole family about it, but in talking to her sister, who I still get along with, the only thing they know is that she says she's "made a big mistake." I don't know if I should tell them or not. I love her and I don't want her family to think less of her, but it would be nice to have a little pressure on her from her family. She's from a very small town, raised on a ranch, and that type of people don't take to well to affairs. Small town gossip being what it is.<P>I think part of her problem is that she thinks if she comes back things will still be bad because I won't be able to forgive her. Fact is, I have for the most part forgiven her. Its now her problem to forgive herself and realize that marriages are hard work and its often easier to run away than to fight(for the marriage).<BR>