Dabigtrain...<P>Would you give me a brief about your situation? I am a BS and my wife and I are in the process of divorce. Do you have any children?<P>Thanks<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

Jayhawk, <P>Buddy, I'm sorry I didn't jump in earlier, but I have to tell you, I am encouraged to hear your news. Okay, it's not a "done deal" or anything, but it does sound like your thread title: the fog is lifting. <P>My one and only advice to you would be to go into this with your eyes wide open. I think it is entirely possible for you two to decide you want to try again. YIPPEE!! But...don't ever, ever, ever think that it will be easy. That somehow she will "come to her senses" and understand the pain that she put you through, and suddenly do all kinds of romantic stuff to get you back or make up for it. Nope, it rarely goes like that. Lord, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that reconciling is hard, painful, tiring work--but I would also say that in the long, LOOOONNNGGGG run, the work is worth it. <P>Geez, Jayhawk, can you believe it? I am actually happy for you, and happy for your news. I think it's great!! You know what else? No matter how it turns out, I'll be there for ya. If she dumps you and breaks your heart again, I'll be there to cheer your heart with silly football bets and jokes. And if she decides she loves you and was a fool to ever leave you (which she was, but she needs to see that ), then I get to be first on line to party with you and celebrate--okay? <P>BTW, if you want advice from a reconciliation veteran, I know a cutey from Colorado who'll tell it like it is!!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by positivebryan:<BR><B>Dabigtrain...<BR>Would you give me a brief about your situation? I am a BS and my wife and I are in the process of divorce. Do you have any children?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My wife (41) and I (38) have been married almost 8 years. We have two children (6 and 3). She's moving out on Saturday. Divorce seems inevitable; I love her, but since March she's been giving me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line, and all that follows ("I'm wrong for you" - "we can still be friends" - etc.)<P>She hasn't admitted to an affair, mainly because I haven't confronted her. One time, when I made a reference to "airing our dirty laundry," she asked me to stop using that phrase. "No one is cheating on anyone here," she said. I think she meant physical cheating, not emotional.<P>I later figured out that she was (and is) having a one-sided emotional affair with a man who she knew a long time ago and who stumbled back into her life about 18 months ago. <P>My "take" on all of this- she's having a textbook mid-life crisis. She hit 40, was disappointed professionally and personally, and when this old friend looked her up, she suddenly realized she wasn't the person at 40 she thought she'd be when she was 28. She had no boundaries with this guy, and has projected "perfect soulmate" on him, and fell for him, instead of taking her disappointments to yours truly.<P>In March, she started talking about separation- said she felt I didn't love and cherish her. I tried to slow her down, to show her that I love and cherish her, but that only "put pressure on her," because she didn't feel what I felt.<P>Since then, we've done counseling, and Retrouvaille, but she's the sort of person who, once she's made a decision, is going to follow through on it. I've done counseling trying to figure out how to heal the marriage; she's done it trying to ease the split.<P>Still, because I see this as a mid-life crisis, and because I see the relationship she wants with the other guy as essentially hopeless, and because I still love her, I'm still hanging in there. I'm giving her as much of my love as she can stand- ironically, she has no boundaries with him, but strong boundaries with me- so that, if the fog lifts when I love her, we'll be able to put things back together.<P>Sorry that wasn't brief, but that's my situation.

((((Jayhawk)))<P>You received a lot of valid points from both sides of the issue. Only you know what you're capable of , or what is in your heart. <P>Me and my ex were together since we were 16/17, and we waited 7 years to get married. I think it's hard to know what's out there, when we met our ex's so young, we didn't know we were going to wind up with our "life partner". Also, whats fun and "cool" as a teen/mid twentie's person, is not what we grow into a little later.<P>I do believe, we're all human, we all make mistakes, and I am one of the most forgiving people around, but I also get taken advantage of and treated badly because of it.<P>Take care of yourself, and hugs, Dana<P>

Dana..<P>You point about good people being taken advantage of by the bad ones is very much true! We must remember one thing, we CANNOT change our ways to accommodate that of the bad people or cater to them in anyway. As adults, we should recognize the good in people and never exploit the Goodness in any way. <P>HEY JAYHAWK!<P>Bryan<BR><P>------------------<BR>BJK

<small>[ August 08, 2004, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: laura_lee ]</small>

Jayhawk,<P>I think your news is great! It does give me hope. My husband and I are still not divorced and it has been over a year since he filed. We are getting along great but he still has no plans to come home. Keep the faith and keep praying. <P>gentle

Jayhawk,<P>My 2cents worth is that I think you are very wise. I agree that it is smart to treat the relationship with your XW as a "new relationship" among 2 new and different people. Maybe you will connect in a special way again or maybe you will not. And won't it be interesting to find out. But it sounds like that regardless, you have a better chance of coming out of this as friends and without as much bitterness as this process usually causes.<P>My STBXH also met young (16) and married at 20. He also left me because he just couldn't get it out of his head that he might have missed something out there. I finally realized, after lots of misery, that this was not a rejection of me. It wouldn't have mattered if I was perfect, he just felt compelled to "comparison shop". I guess that is the most dangerous aspect to marrying young.<P>With that said, I think that there are possibilities for you guys. I think you are doing a great job of keeping a level head and a compassionate heart. <BR> <BR>Since I am in a simular situation and divorce looks inevitable for us...you give me hope that we can have some kind of new relationship. That divorce does not end the relationship that I have cherished for 20 years.<P>Good luck!!<BR>Lisa <P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

Hey Guys! Thanks for all of the support and advice in regard to this one. I haven't had any other contact with my ex since I posted this last week, but I am still feeling that soothing sense of calm and it really is a nice feeling. I have stopped questioning the past and I'm still not trying to read too much into things as they are today. I am a thinker by nature and I have found that if I start thinking too far into the future I get myself all worked up and that doesn't do me any good either.<P>One of these days my life will make sense, as will my relationship with my ex. Until that day, I guess I'm aboard this little ride for good

Hi J,<P>My situation is very similar to yours. My wife and I met when we were in our 20's and have only been married for a couple of years. I think my wife felt she was trapped by marriage, and needed freedom. I wish she could tell me what I was doing wrong to make me leave, but she can't give any reasons. She tells me her family had expectations of her that she would marry have children etc. She realised that she just wasn't happy with her life, and that she needed to be free to express herself. I think we both went into M expecting everything to be perfect. I just wish she could see me in a light which isn't just something from her past!<P>We have been seperated for 9 months. For 6 of those she ran off and travelled around the world! She livees with me but is seeing OM, I've been Plan A'ing as best I can, but I feel that sometime soon I'm going to need to do Plan B. She has spoken about 'brining things to a close' ... which I guess means D.<P>Plec.