I have posted before, but wanted to update things, and pose a few questions to the collective wisdom and experience of this board.<P>Here's the situation: married 14 years, 2 kids 8 and 10. Last few years have been tough - over last year S has struggled with eating disorder, then alcoholism. She has an addictive personality. She has been in rehab and done well for last several months.<P>Rehab was tough, we became distant physically, and my reaction to her rehab was not good, why I really cannot say. Maybe I was addicted to the addict? Anyway, about three months into her recovery, she said she needed some time and space, which progressed to a demand to separate. Said through her recovery she could see clearly, was no longer in love, has not been for a few years. What a whack on the head!<P>After some churning and much angst and tears, we agreed to separate, her staynig in house with kids, me in an apartment close by. Been out of the house about 2 weeks. I tried to use a Controlled Separation approach with her, which she took about half-seriously, bit we have agreed to most of the major components of one. We went for first session with counselor yesterday. She is at a "I don't see much hope" point, and was somewhat disengaged, I am working to repair the relationship.<P>My first reaction to all this was to rty and avoid the separation, hold on tight at any cost. i came to realize that was wrong, that i needed to let go and let things take their course. I must be patient, which is really tough. I have done that, but it was hard. i am now focusing on myself and my kids. When i see her or talk to her we are cordial enough, almost too 'normal', but i still feel anger at having to 'borrow' my kids and feeling like a stranger in what was my home. But, I can feel that anger and see it for what it is. There has been no affair, no gambling, no abuse, although she would say she has been emotionally abused, which may have some truth in it. i am the typical closed, quiet, unfeeling male who won't share his life. But i am in therapy now, on anti-depressants, and learning a great deal.<P>You know, she is the addict, and I am supposed to be the one asking her to leave (although she is sober now). Recovery was supposed to bring us closer, not blow us apart. The whole thing is upside down. She has a very good therapist who i think has encouraged her to separate.<P>Have read much of the material here, and many posts. I have had a hard time seeing how Plan A would work for us, but I read that an affair is an addiction, so maybe my circumstance is not too different.<P>My questions are: can my wife regain the love, what if 'the fog', is there hope? How much space and time should I give her?<P>This inquiring mind wants to know.<P>Thanks for listening.

I'm currently giving my H space (for nearly three weeks). He moved out, he wanted space and one week later, says in our one and only counselling session that he wants a divorce. I think the counsellor worked on him to get him to say this, because she seemed to ask questions in that direction all the time. So I think some counsellors aren't really all that helpful, to say the LEAST!!!<P>Have you read the Tough Love extract by Dobson, posted in the last week? It talks about letting go. I sent the letter he suggests to my H and it seems to have improved things a LITTLE. He needed space, I gave it to him. And OUTWARDLY I have let go.<P>The basic fact of the matter is that if she doesn't want you around right now, you have to accept it and try to get on with things. I know how hard this is because like you, I am in the very early stages of all of this. But, somehow, that Dobson letter hs given me strength and pourpose to my actions and while I would love my H back in a second, really if he doesn't want to be here, what can I do. You can't make someone love you, but maybe it can be slowly rekindled, with a combination of the Dobson letter and Plan A. Maybe not, too, but I'm giving it my best shot.<P>Good luck!<P>

Thanks Nina. I went out and bought the book last night - looks promising. We'll see, although writing that letter may be tough because of the fear she will say 'Fine'. But, I guess if she does, that is how it was meant to be.<P>Anyway, thanks again.<P>btw my daughter's name is Nina too!