My wife and I seperated on 06/29/01. We have enjoyed frequent, friendly contact since, almost daily. We will be going to the shore for 4 days w the kids in early August. <BR> So.. I keep getting the "just want to be good friends" line. A common one w affairs, it seems. The issue is being accommodating ( Steve H. says welcome the opportunity) vs. defining acceptable limits ( o.k.you're still w OM, you've trashed my life ,we've sold our great house and you want to be friends? Do friends lie and cheat,etc. etc.) Accepting this seems to mean accepting the unacceptable.<BR> I am still in plan a and seem to be able to deposit in the bank, but there is no intimacy, SF, I'm just givin'!<BR> Any thoughts?<BR> <BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited July 27, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I keep getting the "just want to be good friends" line. A common one w affairs, it seems. ... Accepting this seems to mean accepting the unacceptable.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My soon-to-move-out wife is giving me the same line. Wants to do things together with the kids; hopes we can occassionally go see a play together; wants to plan holidays together. Yesterday, she was over at her new house, painting, and called me to talk about dinner plans, and we had a truly enjoyable half-hour conversation about work, friends, etc. <P>It's hard- part of me wants to cut off completely, saying "you want independence? You got it." But let me share something Steve told me in counselling: Plan A sometimes will feel terrible. You'll feel its grossly unfair; that you're being a doormat; that you're enabling her destructive behavior. <B>This is normal.</B> It's not a sign that things are going wrong. Plan A won't make her fall in love with you again. It will set the stage for reconnection later, when her fog lifts. <P>So instead of listening to that voice of hurt inside me, the one that wants to scream "how could you do this to me?" I'm listening to the voice that says I love and respect her, and can see that her actions are not caused by maliciousness toward me, but by confusion in her self. <P>Do you have a journal/diary to write in? Try writing some affirmations about her. Remind yourself of why you love her now, why you fell in love with her in the first place, the things that haven't changed about her. Maybe that will help you fight the negative urges coming to the surface.

Thanks dbt for the great insight. Family Man, I am right there with you-torn between the hurt and confusion, and the need to be patient and take the right approach. My W and i separated 7/14, but see or talk to each other almost every day because of the kids. Sometimes, it seems almost too normal, and I want to say 'Hey, what's the deal here?'<P>Anyway, I really do relate to you, and hope to read more about how it is going. I put up a recent post 'Staring into the Abyss'.<P>One question-someone suggested i send W a 'Tough Love' letter essentailly telling her she is free if she really want out of the marriage. Any thoughts on that?

dabigtrain,<P>Thanks for the great advice. I know it wasn't directed my way but it was exactly what I needed to hear today. I've been having one of those, what's in this for me? weeks and I was getting rather frustrated with the whole Plan A thing as it pertains my H's perception of me. I KNOW it is good for me to focus my strength and attention to improving myself and becoming a better person. Plan A just seems so fake sometimes because I truly have to bite my tongue and smile at the same time. I'm a very "what you see is what you get" type person and I have extreme difficulty stopping all the thoughts that pop in my head from exiting my mouth. I'm working on it. <P>Thanks again for the encouragement. I think I can approach the weekend with a better attitude. <P>L

Glad you all found my comments helpful. It's a struggle, isn't it? But I'm living with the hope that when my wife comes out of the fog, she'll see that her husband stood by her through it all. That has to count for something.<P>And if she remains in the fog, at least I'll be able to say I acted out of my love for her, and it made me a better person.<p>[This message has been edited by dabigtrain (edited July 27, 2001).]

<B>Dabigtrain</B> you state that Steve told you this... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Plan A won't make her fall in love with you again. It will set the stage for reconnection later, when her fog lifts. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So, in my case, where there is no affair, Plan A will not help him fall in love again? He has NO fog. This is not such good news for a person who's trying to cope with the reality that her H just wants to be on his own and there's not a thing I can do about it...<P>Oh well. <P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Dabigtrain, you state that Steve told you this... So, in my case, where there is no affair, Plan A will not help him fall in love again? He has NO fog. This is not such good news for a person who's trying to cope with the reality that her H just wants to be on his own and there's not a thing I can do about it...[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Plan A will not make him/her fall in love with you again" was my words, not Steve's- sorry if that was confusing. I think you need to ask Steve or another counsellor about your specific situation. <P>My wife thinks she's not in a fog, as well, but I think she is. Time alone will tell. In the meantime, plan A, for me, is the most honest and constructive expression of my feelings for her, and it sets the stage for a future reconciliation. Like you and your H, I can't do anything to change her- I can only show her who I am and what I want for us. The desire to change will have to come from her- and in your case, from him.<P>I'm sorry this is painful for you- believe me, I know, because looking at my situation objectively, I'd say my wife obviously wants out and wants to be on her own. But I'm not objective. I see her fog, and see it has less to do with her one-sided EA than with her own unhappiness.

I said this to someone else tonight....Plan A for yourself. Be nice, be accomodating,etc, because it MAY help with reconciliation, but it's all about YOU. <P>NOT giving in to those nasty little comments that flit through your mind when something happens give you such a sense of self-worth, you wouldn't believe!!! I really wanted to let fly today, buit with the help of a few people here, I didn't, and boy do I feel good about myself! He on the other hand is totally confused. GOOD! Gives him something else to think about. <P>Take care!